


Pieces of Ourselves

by writerval



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV), The Wilds (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Bly Manor Happened, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Family, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Foster Care, Foster Parents Dani and Jamie, Hurt/Comfort, No Lady of the Lake, and dani and Jamie being good moms, and toni and jamie butting heads, basically just family stuff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:09:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 82,070
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28376736
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerval/pseuds/writerval
Summary: Dani and Jamie are the foster parents to fifteen-year-old Toni Shalifoe. These are snippets of their lives together. Lots of drama, lots of angst, lots of love.Basically I have major writers block and wanted to see these two universes collide.Also, Jamie and Dani did meet at Bly Manor; there is no Lady of the Lake; and they live in Vermont and run The Leafling together. This takes place in present day, so Dani and Jamie are legally married.If you have any ideas for these characters that you want brought to life, feel free to leave any prompts in the comments! The angsty-er the better!
Relationships: Dani Clayton & Jamie, Dani Clayton/Jamie, Hannah Grose & Owen Sharma, Hannah Grose/Owen Sharma, Jamie & Owen Sharma, Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe
Comments: 331
Kudos: 1001





	1. the one where jamie learns that she's a good mom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was supposed to be a normal Sunday in the Clayton-Taylor household. That was until Toni got hurt, Jamie panicked, and Dani had to pick up all the pieces.

Jamie never thought she’d be a good mom.

It was the first reason she used to dispel Dani’s question about them ever having children. Dani had approached her two years into their marriage, wide eyed and sly grinning, and posed the question in a way that Jamie typically never refused. But Jamie was downright convinced she would be a shit parent, so she vehemently refused to even humour the conversation. Dani had quickly dropped it.

But Dani, ever the stubborn one of the relationship, came back a week later with the same question. This time, Jamie listened; she owed her wife that much.

And after gentle reminders that her childhood wasn’t a reflection of the parent she would be – and the offer to take things at Jamie’s pace – they had finally settled on a plan. 

They would foster; and their age range would be 10 and up. Old enough for the kid to establish their own boundaries and rules while still needing the guiding hand of a step-in-parent. Jamie had decided that she might not be a good mother, but she could be a good friend. That could be enough.

It took them eight months to get their first placement. Toni Shalifoe - 15 and often times too head strong and stubborn for her own good. Jamie was worried that their matching grit and hot-headedness would make them clash. She worried that Toni would object their attempts to parent and make it entirely impossible for the both of them to gain her trust.

But Toni was an endless box of surprises. While she was oftentimes too quick to let her anger front her actions, she revealed early on to both women that it was the only way to keep herself safe.

Jamie knew too much about self-preservation. It was what kept her alive through her time in foster care and prison. For a long stretch of her childhood, she was the only person she could rely on, and that was clearly the same for Toni. 

And while Jamie was convinced she would never make a good mother, Toni slowly began to make her believe otherwise. While she once feared that their similarities would drive them apart, they only seemed to draw them closer together. Toni took comfort in having a foster parent who knew the struggle, and she relished in her first true experience of having a safe home to live in.

And while Toni still flinched when either Jamie or Dani made too sudden a movement, or she went nights without sleep because of the nightmares that plagued her, by the fifth month of living in the Clayton-Taylor household she seemed to have accepted that this situation was good and that she could actually let her guard down.

And with that lowered guard, Jamie slowly found herself playing less of a friend to Toni and more of a mother. And she was a _damn good_ mom.

Granted, she often thought that Dani was the better mom between them, not that it ever bothered Jamie. Dani was delicate and tender with Toni. She wiped tears, chased away nightmares, made meals that elicited gleeful giggles from the tough 15-year-old. But Jamie was the only one who seemed to have the right words for Toni when her anger consumed all of her. She could talk the girl down from the edge of an explosive episode, and she could pick up the pieces that came when that anger turned to desperation and sadness.

They all seemed to fall into their places as a family without even knowing it; and things were good. Jamie felt good. She felt like a good mom.

Until the first Sunday of their sixth month together.

It had started like any ordinary Sunday. Dani and Jamie had a slow start, cuddled in bed until 10, and then shared their breakfast on their small balcony surrounded by Jamie’s beloved outdoor plants. An hour later, Toni joined them outside and scarfed down four pancakes without even hesitating.

That was one thing Jamie loved watching; Toni accepting that food wasn’t a tool used to get her to behave. It was available to her whenever she wanted it; and she was free to eat however much she pleased. And boy could Toni eat. Had the pancake batter not run out, Jamie was sure Toni would’ve asked for a fifth serving.

It wasn’t until after they cleared away their breakfast and settled down in the living room that Jamie noticed the slight squint to Dani’s eyes. 

Being with Dani for nearly six years, Jamie had memorized what all the shifts and changes in her body meant. When Dani squinted her eyes like she was, it typically meant her head was hurting and she was especially sensitive to the light in that moment. 

“Poppins, you alright?” Jamie gently asked, making Dani look at her with a weak smile.

“Just fine. Why’d you ask?” Dani asked before she returned to looking at the math problem that Toni was trying to show her.

“You’re squinting, love.”

“It’s just a headache.” Dani tried to bat off her wife’s worried hand which was aimed to touch her forehead. But there was a slur to her words that Jamie had come to know as a sign of a migraine. She had no doubts that Dani was already putting up with the start of it and that it would only get worse from there. 

“Maybe you can try sleeping it off then, yeah?” Jamie proposed as she finally brushed her finger’s over Dani’s neck. No fever. It wouldn’t be a bad one this time.

“I’m fine. Really,” Dani disregarded again as she tried to focus back on Toni’s math homework that the girl desperately needed help with.

“I can finish by myself,” Toni tried to interrupt, but neither women would have it. 

“No, I promised I’d help,” Dani started to say.

“Let me have a crack at it, Poppins. You go rest and I’ll help this gremlin sort out her numbers,” Jamie said, winking at Toni who crinkled her nose at the nickname. She would never admit it, but Jamie was sure that Toni liked the pet names that she and Dani threw her way.

“Are you sure?” Dani breathed out, looking between her two girls unsurely. 

“I doubt she can make me more confused than I already am,” Toni supplied with a shrug.

“See. We’ll be just fine,” Jamie promised as she grabbed Dani’s hand and gently led her back to their room. 

She flipped all the blinds shut, drew the curtains, and plunged the room into as much darkness as she could in hopes of easing the pain that was clearly thumping in Dani’s brain. 

“You sure you’ll be fine?” Dani asked as a blanket was draped over her.

“We’ll be fine. Really. How hard can math be anyways?”

Turns out, grade 10 math could easily kill Jamie. There were letters and the language the book used seemed far from English. Some symbols depicted numbers that weren’t there but already existed and other symbols depicted numbers that weren’t there but needed to be found. And if Jamie hadn’t already gone grey from just being a parent, she sure as hell grew a few strands in the three hours it took her to help Toni through her review package. 

But they managed; after some heated periods between the two, and awful jokes that resulted in prolonged fits of laughter, they managed to finished all the questions with a certain degree of certainty that they got _most_ of the questions right. 

“Finally,” Toni groaned as she dropped her pencil and rested her forehead on the coffee table. 

“That was awful,” Jamie said past a laugh as she puffed out her own relieved sigh and leant back into the couch. 

“Can I make cookies?” Toni asked, the triumph of completing her math work bringing back her endless hunger.

“Cookies? Better be something good. None of those weird oreo ones that Dani made the other day,” Jamie teased, making Toni laugh at the reminder.

“No, no. I was thinking of making Dani’s favourite chocolate chip recipe? She’ll probably wake up hungry too and-,”

“That’s a very sweet thought,” Jamie interrupted before Toni could go on one of her explanation tangents. It was a habit that she clung to when she worried that Dani or Jamie would tell her no. “Go ahead, love. Kitchen’s yours.”

Toni enthusiastically shut her textbook and scrambled off, leaving Jamie to tuck into the couch with her tea and book for a while.

The baking seemed to have gone off without a hitch. While the cookies sat in the oven, Toni took reprieve on the couch with her head on Jamie’s lap. Jamie combed her fingers through the girl’s hair, read her book, and smiled every time Toni would chuckle at something she read on her phone. 

When the timer went off, Jamie let Toni go to retrieve the tray. She knew that the girl could manage just fine. She’d handled hot pans before. But fuck, if Jamie could go back in time and force Toni to stay on the couch – if she could go and get the cookies herself – she would do it in a heartbeat.

Toni was never one to show her pain. She’d taken hard hits in her basketball practices and games. Some hits that could warrant a tear or two. But Toni always laughed through those incidents. She’d shake off the concern of her foster moms and tell them that it didn’t hurt at all. Jamie briefly wondered if Toni could actually feel pain; or if years in the system and years of abuse had rendered her unable to physically process pain.

But today, Toni proved otherwise.

Jamie knew what to listen for. The oven door would creak open, the pan would scrape as it was pulled from the rack, and the door would creak once more before it clanged shut.

And it started that way. The door creaked. The pan scraped. But then Toni cried out in pain. And the pan that she was likely holding crashed down and clattered against the oven and floor. And then Toni was cursing under her breath and there was a clear tremble to her voice. Toni was in pain.

And Jamie was up in an instant. 

She never had to help Toni while she was in pain. This would be new territory. But Jamie was surprising herself and thought she could handle this.

That was until she saw the burn; and heard the sound of Toni’s pained gasps which resembled the wails of little Mikey who had pulled the pot of boiling water down on himself. Jamie suddenly felt like she did when she saw her little brother. She felt helpless and scared and while she wanted to reach out and comfort Toni, she physically couldn’t.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Toni was repeating as she cradled her arm to her chest and cornered herself at the far end of the kitchen. The hot pan and scattered cookies divided her and Jamie. It set the wedge between them that Jamie had always feared.

Thankfully, the commotion seemed to have stirred Dani who appeared beside Jamie in a concerned frenzy.

“What’s going on?” Dani asked as she took stock of the situation. Jamie was now practically hyperventilating, and Toni was no better off across from them.

“I’m sorry - _fuck_. Dani, I’m sorry,” Toni whimpered out. No - if Jamie really honed in her attention she’d noticed that Toni was sobbing. Toni was sobbing and she was just standing there not doing anything.

“Jamie. Jamie, can you get the oven?” Dani was talking to her. She could hear that. But her voice sounded so far away. Too far away. And she was just standing there, not doing anything.

“Jamie,” Dani tried again.

Toni was still crying.

Jamie still didn’t move.

But fuck, she wanted to.

\-----

Dani always took pride in being rather level-headed. It came with being a former teacher, turned au pair, turned business owner. She’d dealt with a lot of people of varying ages in different states of being. She’d dealt with children hyped up on sugar, throwing fits, having meltdowns; she’d dealt with adults in a rush, demanding a better deal, cursing her for being unhelpful. 

And with every scream, yell, cry: Dani never faltered. She never swayed. She just took a deep breath and worked through the situation. 

Today was tricky because she had not one, but two people melting down before her. And she was still a bit hazy from her migraine induced nap, but she was aware enough to know that she had to lay out a plan. 

“Okay,” Dani breathed out when she realized that Jamie was too lost in her own head to deal with the oven. 

Dani grabbed the nearest oven mit and used it to grab the cookie sheet which had clattered onto the oven door; some of the cookies were still on it, so there was something positive to consider. Not all was lost quite yet. 

She set the pan on top of the oven and finally shut the door, effectively preventing any further injury or panic for either of her girls. 

“Jamie, honey, I need you to clean up the floor. Can you please do that for me?” Dani asked, looking at her wife who seemed to finally blink herself back into reality a bit. “I need to look at Toni’s arm. Can you please pick the cookies up?” 

Jamie gave one stuttered nod. Then another. She understood. 

Dani sighed out in relief and finally turned away from Jamie and towards Toni who was still pressing herself as far back into the corner of the kitchen counter as she could.

“Toni, baby, let me see,” Dani gently urged as she reached her hands out for the girl’s burnt arm. 

“No,” Toni croaked out as she flinched away from Dani. “I’m fine,” she whimpered, though Dani knew better than to believe that claim. 

“If you burned yourself we need to get you cleaned up to prevent any blistering. Can we go do that?” 

Dani allowed Toni to look at her. To just look at her and scrutinize her for however long she needed to come to the conclusion that she was safe and that Dani was there to help her, not hurt her.

“Okay,” Toni relented, making Dani smile softly as she gently settled her hand on the girl’s shoulder and started to guide her from the kitchen. 

Dani gave one last glance to Jamie who refused to look up from the floor which she was still plucking cookies off of. She would have to talk her wife down from whatever memory she was reliving. But for now, she needed to make sure that that whatever burn Toni sustained wasn’t worthy of a hospital trip. 

Once in the bathroom, Dani turned on the cold water and looked once more at a still snivelling Toni. 

She had calmed down significantly, but she still seemed ready to run off at any moment. 

“Can I have a look, please?” Dani asked, making Toni glance at her once more before she gave a stuttered nod and allowed her right arm to extend out. 

On Toni’s forearm, there was a long, red burn mark that ran across the middle of it. Dani surmised that she likely lifted her arm too early and caught the lip of one of the racks. 

“It doesn’t look too bad,” Dani tried to reassure, using her left hand to reach for Toni’s elbow. When she came in contact with the skin just below her elbow, however, the girl bit back a yelp and withdrew her arm once more.

“I’m sorry, baby. Did you get the other side too?” Dani asked as she worriedly looked over her girl who tried to bite back her pain.

“I’m so stupid,” Toni finally said, a bitter laugh slipping past her lips. 

“Hey, none of that. This was an accident,” Dani said as she finally caught Toni’s arm again and managed to turn it over, revealing that a good bit of skin from the top of Toni’s arm had been burned by the oven as well. It would explain the crying. Two burns in succession of one another on the same arm would make anyone shed a tear. 

“How’d you manage to get both sides?” Dani asked as she gently guided Toni’s arm to the stream of water running from the tap.

Toni hissed when the cold water met her burns, but she soon took solace in the numbing effects of the icy stream. 

“I hit my arm on the oven door, shifted away from the it because it burned, and then caught the top rack in the process,” Toni explained; Dani nodded her understanding and reached up to brush some of the baby hairs that refused to stay in Toni’s ponytail. She couldn’t help but smile when Toni didn’t flinch away from her this time. “I’m sorry I woke you up,” Toni decided to say as she sniffed and used her free hand to wipe at her cheeks which were still sticky with tears. 

“That’s okay, sweetheart. I was already waking up a bit before I heard the noise,” Dani reassured as she reached for a hand towel on the sink edge. She briefly set it under the stream of water before reigning it out and using it to clean Toni’s cheeks. “You can be honest with me, y’know. If you feel like it hurts too much we can go to a walk in and have a doctor look at it.”

“It’s not that bad anymore,” Toni said as she briefly turned her arm over to look at the burn on the other side.

“A few more minutes under the water should help. Then we’ll go to my room and get you all bandaged up.”

Toni nodded her agreement but refused to meet Dani’s eyes again. It was clear that she was now feeling embarrassed, and while the blonde would like to reassure her that this was nothing to be embarrassed about she knew it would fall unto deft ears. Just like Jamie, Toni needed a few minutes to come to her own conclusion and settle her own quarrels.

After five minutes under the cold water, Dani shut off the tap and wrapped the younger girl’s arm in a fresh towel. Together, they made their way to Dani and Jamie’s bedroom, which was still plunged in darkness and left in a slight chaos that Dani’s abrupt wake-up call created. 

Wanting to get things over with, Toni promptly sat on the edge of the bed while Dani retrieved the antibiotic ointment and gauze that they kept stored in the bottom drawer of their dresser and flipped on the nearest lamp. 

“Let’s have a look,” Dani prompted as she knelt next to Toni and set the items down on the bed beside her.

Gingerly, the girl unwrapped her arm and showed off the angry red welts. The one on her forearm was starting to blister, but the one on the opposite side seemed to be doing a bit better. It was red too, but thankfully no bubbles were forming. 

“We have to keep an eye on this. Don’t pick it, alright?” Dani said as she motioned to the blister. 

“I’m sorry,” Toni started to say again when Dani began to layer a generous amount of ointment onto the burns. 

“Toni-,”

“I upset Jamie. I wasted food. I woke you up. I shouldn’t have been in your kitchen in the first place-,”

“Wait a minute,” Dani tried to interrupt again.

“I destroy everything! Anything I touch just blows up and I…I…,”

And then Dani saw it. The tears that were flooding Toni’s eyes against her will and making her usually strong voice crack and falter. 

Toni was always so sure of herself. But this was the first time that she let some of her fragility show. And it made Dani absolutely ache because here was her strong girl who tried to prove to the world that it couldn’t break her; here she was, on the brink of tears again because she felt like one accident would be enough to blow their lives up. 

“I need you to listen to me,” Dani began as she gently reached up to cup Toni’s cheeks. Her eyes looked everywhere but Dani until she finally relented and locked her brown eyes onto blue ones. “You did nothing wrong. You made cookies in the kitchen, which you are allowed to use whenever you want, and you had an accident. Jamie didn’t respond out of anger; she was just scared too-,”

“She wouldn’t even look at me,” Toni cried as a sob bubbled to the surface. 

“She had a bad experience with burns when she was a kid. Had it been any other kind of injury she would’ve been at your side in an instant,” Dani tried to explain, though it was clear that Toni still didn’t believe her.

“How do you know that?” Toni croaked out as she angrily reached up to wipe her cheeks. Dani grasped the offending hand and held it gently, trying to convey to her kid that she needed to treat herself kindly. 

“Because I’ve been with Jamie for so long and I just know her.”

“I just wanted to make cookies,” Toni finally whispered out, making Dani release a small laugh. 

“I know, baby,” Dani softly said before she stood up and wrapped her arms around the girl’s shoulders. 

Toni returned the hug after a beat with her non-injured arm and inhaled deeply against Dani’s stomach.

The two held to each other for a beat, and Dani tried to convey in that single embrace that one small incident wasn't going to break the good thing they had going for them. 

“Let’s finish up here, yeah?” Dani offered as she gently combed her fingers through Toni’s ponytail. 

Toni bobbed her head in agreement and allowed Dani to wrap her arm in the gauze and tape. 

“How does it feel?” Dani asked when she set the final piece of tape down. 

“Hurts a bit,” Toni confessed, making her foster mom nod in understanding. 

“Why don’t you lie down for a bit? Maybe sleep some of the pain off?” Dani suggested as she patted Jamie’s side of the bed. 

Toni hesitated but eventually gave in to the suggestion and rested back against Jamie’s pillow. She turned onto her left side and allowed Dani to settle a pillow under her right arm in an effort to prevent her from rolling onto it. A blanket followed suit, and once Dani had tucked Toni in enough, she pressed a loving kiss to the teen’s forehead.

“Thanks, Dani,” Toni mumbled as she watched her foster mom head to the door. 

“Anytime, sweet girl,” Dani replied before she slipped out of the room and gently shut the door behind her.

Now with one of her girl’s settled, Dani went to look for her other girl who was definitely in need of a hug based on how she was the last time she saw her. 

Knowing her wife would probably take her time in the kitchen, Dani went there first. Sure enough there Jamie was, sat on the kitchen floor across from the oven with her arms wrapped around her legs and her chin settled on her knees. 

The cookies had been picked off the floor, and any sign of incident had been cleared away, but Jamie still sat there looking at the offensive oven that had caused all this disruption to their relatively peaceful Sunday.

“How is she?” Jamie asked, her voice hoarse from disuse and/or tears. Dani wasn’t close enough yet to tell. 

“Resting. It really wasn’t that bad,” Dani said as she sat down in front of her wife. Gently, Dani snuck her hands between Jamie’s knees and arms and gave a tug, which prompted Jamie to unravel a bit and let her wife in. 

Shuffling in closer, Dani encouraged Jamie to wrap her legs around her so then they could be as close together as possible. Dani rested her forehead against her wife’s and allowed for a brief moment of calm to settle over them before she interrupted it. 

“It was an accident,” Dani decided to open with, making Jamie shake her head.

“I should’ve grabbed the cookies myself. She’s just a kid-,”

“She’s a teenager, baby. She’s grabbed things from the oven before. Besides, this won’t be the last time something like this happens,” Dani said, laughing a bit in hopes of lightening the mood. It didn’t work all too well considering Jamie was still looking as down trotted as ever. “She isn’t Mikey,” Dani finally whispered, deciding to just address what was likely bothering her wife head on. 

“I don’t think I can do it, Dani. I can’t lose her like I lost him,” Jamie whimpered as tears began to fall down her cheeks. 

“Hey, we aren’t losing her,” Dani promised as she wrapped her arms around Jamie and allowed the other woman to hide in the bend of her neck. “Accidents will happen. She will get hurt and she will get sick, but we will always be there to help her through it.”

“I made it worse today, didn’t I?” Jamie asked as she pulled away and sniffled back her tears. 

Dani weakly smiled her way and used the cuff of her sleeve to wipe away Jamie’s tears. 

“She was just nervous that your reaction meant you were angry. I told her otherwise, but it might help for her to hear it from you directly.” 

Jamie nodded, making Dani smile and puff out a breath of relief. She knew the only way for them to truly get over this bump in the road was for Jamie and Toni to have a proper conversation about it. And thankfully, Jamie seemed willing to do just that. 

“You alright?” Dani asked before she allowed Jamie to get up from the kitchen floor.

“Better now,” Jamie reassured before she pressed a soft kiss to Dani’s lips. 

They sat there for a moment, tangled up with one another on the kitchen floor with nothing but a few inches between them. Finally, less than an hour after chaos interrupted their peaceful Sunday, that former tranquility washed over them again.

“I’ll go have a chat with her,” Jamie finally said before she untangled herself from Dani and got up. Dani sat a beat longer and watched her wife go before she stood up herself and approached the plate of cookies by the sink. Despite losing half of them, Toni seemed to have done a fine job of preparing Dani’s go to chocolate chip cookies. 

Just like a kid, Dani plucked a cookie from the plate and began to slowly eat it as she snuck over to her bedroom door to see how Jamie and Toni were holding up.

To her pleasant surprise, Jamie had laid herself parallel to Toni and was speaking to her in a hushed whisper. She was gently brushing back Toni’s hair and the teen was nodding her understanding every so often.

It was a beautiful moment – a private one that Dani had no intentions of interrupting – but a beautiful one nonetheless that she wanted to watch for a few minutes longer.

If only Jamie could see things from Dani’s perspective. Maybe then she could really grasp just how good and loving of a mother she truly was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! 
> 
> Thanks for reading this first snippet of Jamie, Dani, and Toni's lives together. If you have any ideas you want to see play out, please feel free to leave a comment and I'll do my best to write it sometime soon! 
> 
> Also, if there's any questions about the rules of these two worlds colliding, go ahead and drop those in the comments as well. I'm still working out the kinks between Bly Manor and The Wilds coming together, but I have a good sense of what I'm bringing from each show and what I'm leaving out. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	2. the one where toni loses her cool for the first time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first time that Toni loses her temper in front of Dani and Jamie, and the first time she comes out to them. 
> 
> Enjoy!

Toni had always done her best to keep her temper in check when arriving at a new foster home. Some families made it easier than others, but as a general rule of thumb she did everything in her power to maintain some semblance of control over her emotions for the first few weeks.

In hindsight, she doubts it would really make a difference whether she had an outburst in the first week or after four months into living with a family; most of them responded the same way by calling her social worker and having her moved.

But Dani and Jamie were her 15th family in 9 years. She’d even switched states and still failed to last anywhere longer than a few months. And yet, she still told herself that she needed to watch her attitude at least for the first little while if she didn’t want to get sent off to a new home. 

Toni would never admit it but being shuffled around so much fed into her belief that no one could ever love her. Love, in almost every form, was something the young girl craved but that damned temper of her’s kept stopping her from ever achieving it.

She thought that things could be different with Dani and Jamie; as did her social worker who insisted that this placement should stick for a while considering there were no male figures for Toni to butt heads with. And deep down, Toni really did want to stay with the couple; they hadn’t hit her, starved her, or locked her out of their home. Hell, they treated her like she was someone special, not that she believed it, and Toni would be an idiot to let something good like that blow up.

But that temper - the one started boiling in her belly at the age of six when her mom got dragged away by two cops and left her screaming in the backseat of their car - it was something Toni could never tame.

She’d been with Dani and Jamie for just under two months and whatever anger had bubbled to the surface during that time was surprisingly never directed at them. Toni would kick dumpsters at school, and chuck rocks at the old brick structures in town, but she had yet to lash out at her foster parents.

But then she saw the post on Instagram. The one of Regan and another girl - they were kissing and holding each other in a way that made Toni’s chest ache. The caption read “my one and only.”

 _My one and only_ \- that’s what Regan used to coo to Toni as she held her at night. That’s what she used to say as a promise. She’d say that Toni was the only girl she’d ever need. But they were barely fourteen. Just babies in love. And while Toni (only fifteen now) knows that what they had was only sickly puppy love and was never meant to last, she still couldn’t fight the bout of jealousy that coursed through her veins at the sight of the post.

Curiosity got the better of her. She should’ve powered off her phone and gone for a walk around the block. But fuck, she needed to see if there was more. So, Toni popped over to Regan’s page. And while there weren’t more photos with the other girl, Toni quickly realized that her ex’s feed was cleaned out of any evidence of their relationship. 

All the posts, all the cheesy comments, gone. Never to be seen again. Even their first (and last) Christmas photo was deleted. The one that Toni cherished with all her heart, not just because of Regan, but because she was welcomed into Regan’s family picture. She got to stand with Regan’s parents, grandparents, siblings, aunts, uncles, and cousins. She got to stand there and pretend, for the first time in a long time, that this was her family and that she could hold onto them forever.

But just like that, it was gone. Wiped away. Cleared for the future photos that Regan would likely post with her new girlfriend. Her new _one and only._

Toni managed to control herself long enough to block Regan. Long enough to turn off her phone, set it back into her jeans pocket, and then to look around the store she was standing in.

She’d been going with her foster moms to The Leafling every Saturday. They had offered for her to stay home alone in their apartment while they worked, but she’d had instances like that bite her on the ass. Foster parents would leave her alone, come back, and claim that some valuable had been stolen. While the Clayton-Taylor’s seemed like good people, she still had to remain alert for those kinds of things. So, Toni went to their flower shop and would either keep to herself in the back room or walk around the front and admire the plants.

Today she was looking over the lavender bushes when the Instagram notification popped up about Regan posting for the first time in a while. She had been standing by the lavender bushes which she now directed her boiling anger towards with a far-too-strong swing of her leg. The clay pot that she kicked subsequently toppled off the small stand it was arranged on and cracked against the floor of the shop, sending dirt and lavender bits around.

Toni froze. Hell, the whole shop froze. There had only been two patrons and they both glanced her way but they eventually continued their shopping shortly after.

Toni, still a bit blinded by her anger, didn’t register the consequences of her actions until a hand was on her forearm and she was lashing out once more.

“Don’t fucking touch me!” Toni yelled, drawing curious eyes once more. But she could only see Dani now. Dani, and her worried brow and extended hands which were threatening to reach out once more.

“Toni, what’s going on?” Dani tried to ask as her hands went to touch Toni again.

Toni knew she shouldn’t fault the woman; she didn’t know that touching, especially when she was this riled up, was what made her lash out more. 

It was when Dani’s hands came into contact with Toni’s hands that the younger girl did what she tried to stop herself from doing for the last two months. 

“I said, don’t fucking touch me, Dani!” Toni yelled even louder this time as she gave her foster mother a decent shove that sent her stepping back. 

It wasn’t enough to topple Dani over, thankfully, but it was enough to send her back into the arms of Jamie who was approaching the scene.

“What’s this about, then?” Jamie asked, her tone much harsher than Dani’s as she rebalanced her wife and looked at the still-pissed off teen. 

“Jamie, it’s fine-,” Dani tried to say. Toni didn’t know it yet, but Jamie could run as hot as her, and Dani was doing everything in her power to mediate what could very well be an explosive interaction.

“You call shoving people fine?” Jamie conquered as she looked between Dani and Toni. “And last I checked, that lavender wasn’t smashed on my shop floor.”

It was an accusation; a right one, but an accusation, nonetheless. Toni hated being accused of things. She hated facing her actions and putting up with the consequences. So, she did the only thing she knew how to do and-

“You can both go to hell! I don’t give a shit about your lavender or this place. God, just leave me alone!” 

And then she tried to storm off, because Toni knew that if she didn’t leave now she would do something potentially damaging to more plants or her foster parents so she decided that now would be the best time to cool off.

But Jamie wasn’t having it. 

“Jamie-,” Dani had said, her voice almost sounding like a warning.

Jamie’s hand caught Toni’s wrist. It wasn’t aggressive, or remotely close to painful, but it was still firm and it startled Toni and sent her reeling. She felt trapped and she never liked being trapped.

“Let go of me!” The teen screamed, her voice cracking near the end as her emotions boiled over. The two patrons abandoned their shopping at that point. In an awkward moment of silence, the two people slipped out of the shop and left the two women and teen standing around the mess on the floor. 

“Back of the shop, now,” Jamie said, her voice even and leaving no room for argument.

Toni, breathing heavily and clenching her fists in an effort to stop herself from punching Jamie, did as told and stomped to the back. She wasn’t about to let her façade slip, but Toni was starting to shake. Not from her anger, but from her fear. What if Jamie was going to hit her? What if she was going to do something cruel and leave her traumatized like the other families did before?

She didn’t have much time to think about the what ifs as Jamie and Dani were following close behind her and eventually had her in the back room with the door shut. 

“Sit,” Jamie said in that same voice that Toni was too scared to argue with. The woman pointed to the couch they had in the back, and Toni exhaled shakily before falling into the cushions, which she locked her fingers around in an effort to hide her shaking.

“Are you going to say something, or should I?” Jamie asked as she leant against a nearby worktable and crossed her arms in front of her chest. 

Dani continued to stand by the door and chewed her thumb nail. Toni almost wondered if Dani was as nervous as she felt. 

Toni bit down on her tongue and refrained from speaking. 

“I’ll start then,” Jamie continued, taking in a deep breath as she looked over Toni’s tense posture. “I’m not sure what got you going but shoving Dani and breaking things are not appropriate actions. Period.”

Toni clenched the couch cushions tighter. 

“Would you like to explain yourself?” Jamie pressed, tilting her head in an attempt to catch Toni’s gaze.

Toni just continued staring at the hardwood floors and fighting the tremors that coursed through her body.

“You can make the call already,” Toni grit out when she noticed Dani and Jamie looking at each other and having one of their silent conversations. 

“Say that again?” Jamie asked, looking back at Toni; she almost looked hopeful. Like she wanted to hear Toni’s reasoning for her actions. 

“Just call Marlene and get this shit over with!” Toni barked out, making Jamie’s eyes widen slightly and Dani sigh out, almost sadly.

“Toni, no,” Dani said with small shake of her head. “We’re not going to-,”

“Don’t do that!” Toni demanded as she stood up and allowed her hands to shake frantically in front of her. Dani didn’t recoil at the chaotic motion, but Jamie was clearly put on edge. She stood up straight from the worktable and shuffled closer to Dani in an almost defensive manner.

“Do what?” Dani asked, her voice less worried and more sure sounding. 

“Don’t say shit that you don’t mean! Everyone I’ve ever known has lied and then abandoned me. Don’t you fucking drag me through that shit again. Don’t-.”

And then her voice was cracking. A painful, pitiful crack that sounded like it was coated in tears. Toni was never one to cry in front of her fosters. It made her too weak. Too vulnerable. 

She wasn’t about to start now. But she was feeling so much in that moment. So much sadness and pain surrounding Regan and the family that she had with her and that she lost because of her stupid fucking temper that she just couldn’t control! 

“Why’d you break the lavender pot?” Jamie asked, her question coming out of nowhere and feeling almost bizarre to have floating in the air after her outburst about being abandoned. 

But Toni didn’t know that Jamie, for all of her own anger and outbursts, was a very calculated woman and knew just the right things to ask and when to ask them.

Instead of asking about Toni’s past, or who abandoned her, or why she was so upset in that moment, she knew to ask about the lavender. The poor lavender that was a victim to her anger that arose because Regan moved on and left her behind.

“Because I fucked up and lost the only person who could ever love me,” Toni gasped out as the anger within her simmered down and she was left with the residual ache of sadness and desperation in the pit of her stomach. 

Dani and Jamie shared a look again. They shared a look and Toni couldn’t handle trying to dissect their silent conversation so she backed up one step, two steps, and then she was colliding with the couch again and falling into the cushions in a numb heap. 

She’d felt like this before. Exhausted, numb, broken, abandoned. She’d felt like this a million times before, but none more severe than the first night she’d spent sleeping in her foster parents’ backyard after Regan dumped her. After she’d lost control, swung out to hit some drunk homophobic assholes but ended up clipping Regan’s lip instead. 

It still hurt to remember; she was trying to defend Regan, and yet she still lost her. But she didn’t just lose Regan that night. She also lost the only semblance of a family that she had. 

And when she tried to sleep that night, all Toni could feel was the ache. The all consuming ache that gripped her and threatened to never let go.

Sitting on the couch now, Toni felt trapped in herself and didn’t know how to snap out of it. She needed to be angry again. But all she could do was sit, and shake, and fight back the sobs that bubbled in her throat.

“Toni,” a voice to her left said softly. So sweet, and so softly. 

Toni closed her eyes and let out a shuddered breath. 

“Toni,” the voice said again, just as tenderly. Fingers brushed her temple as they moved some hair from her face. Toni didn’t recoil from the touch, but it did prompt her to open her eyes and look to her left when Dani was crouched beside her and offering the most sympathetic gaze she could. 

“Please talk to me,” Dani whispered, her small plea more genuine than anything Toni had ever heard from any foster parent before. 

“It’s so stupid,” Toni began as she blinked back tears and looked at her lap. From her periphery, she noticed that Jamie had taken a seat beside her on the couch but was giving her some much needed space. 

“None of that,” Jamie spoke up, finally getting Toni’s eyes on her. “We just want to know what we can do to help you.”

That was also something new about these foster parents. They wanted to help her, and Toni would be lying if she said she didn’t want to give in to the offer.

“Regan, my ex from Minnesota,” Toni breathed out and contemplated her next words. How could she say the rest without sounding like a butt-hurt teen who didn’t know how to move on? 

It completely went over her head that she just admitted for the first time to any foster parent directly that she had a girlfriend or that she was into girls, period. But she couldn’t imagine that her _lesbian_ foster parents would have a problem with that revelation, which is what probably made it so easy to reveal. 

“She has a new girlfriend,” Toni continued, her voice shaking a bit more. She sucked in another breath to control herself. No crying. Not in front of the fosters. 

“Hurt more than you expected?” Jamie prompted, her tone sounding so understanding – Toni couldn’t help but wonder if her feelings were relatable and therefore valid. 

“I had a really rough placement around the time that we were dating,” Toni supplied as she swallowed the lump in her throat. “I… uhhh… I wasn’t safe there, so Regan let me live with her family. And it was the first time I felt safe in a long time. But then I did something stupid and I lost… I lost my whole family that day because I couldn’t control my anger. I lost Regan. And now she’s found someone new.”

Maybe one day she’d share the whole story. Maybe one day she’d tell Dani and Jamie that three men cornered her and Regan in a parking lot and made her feel so little that she had to react in big ways that had big consequences. She might even cry that day.

But today wasn’t for revealing her trauma or crying over her past wounds. Today, she had to explain her actions and give her foster moms something to work with. 

She had to give them a reason not to give her away like Regan did.

“I’m sorry about the lavender. I just… sometimes I get so angry and it was right there. I couldn’t stop myself.”

Toni swallowed thickly. Saying it aloud made her realize just how reactive she had become. How the smallest of things could generate the biggest reactions from her. She needed to get better control over herself. 

“I’m sorry for shoving you, Dani,” Toni said after a beat, looking to Dani who smiled softly at the apology. 

“I forgive you,” Dani said sincerely. “I’m sorry if I touched you when you wanted your space.”

Toni recoiled slightly at the words. No foster parent had ever apologized to her. Never. Everything was always her fault and she always had to do the apologizing. But here Dani was, even after she’d been pushed for no reason, apologizing for doing something that had upset Toni. 

“I’m sorry as well. For raising my voice,” Jamie spoke up, making Toni glance her way.  
Where the hell did these women come from? And why weren’t more of her foster parents like them? 

“What can we do to help you when you get like that?” Dani asked, dragging Toni’s attention back to her. “If you’re really upset, what calms you down?” 

Toni wasn’t going to cry, but fuck, Dani and Jamie making it hard for her not to. They were caring for her, in ways that she hadn’t been cared for in a long time, and it was tearing her apart inside to think for the briefest moment that maybe this placement could stick. She didn’t want to let herself believe something like that for fear that it might fall apart eventually, and then she’d be left heartbroken all over again. 

“When I get upset, Dani tells me to go for a walk,” Jamie said in an effort to help Toni create an answer. “Would that help you?” 

Toni shook her head. People touching or speaking to her when she was angry always riled her up more.

“That would make it worse,” Toni supplied when she realized that she had to partake in the conversation. “I need space when I’m upset.”

“We can give you that,” Dani said reassuringly. “Maybe we should come up with a plan, yeah?” 

Dani looked at Jamie who nodded and then they both looked at Toni who weakly nodded as well. 

“If you get upset in the shop again and feel like you need space then you can come in here or go out back and catch your breath. If we’re at home, then you can go to any room you feel safe in or you can go out on the balcony. You don’t even have to tell me or Jamie. You can just go get the space you need and come back when you’re ready to talk about it.”

Toni looked at Dani hopefully; almost like she couldn’t believe that she was being offered solutions to her short temper that might actually help prevent her from leaving chaos in her wake. 

“Okay,” Toni agreed as she nodded her head and briefly glanced at both women. She realized that during the conversation she had finally calmed down entirely and that her shaking had subsided. It usually took her hours to really get proper control over herself, but just ten minutes with these two women had her breathing easy again. 

“How are you feeling now?” Jamie tested, making Toni nod once more.

“Better. I’m really sorry again,” Toni repeated, making both women shake their heads. 

“You’re already forgiven,” Jamie reassured. “But we really appreciate it if you could help us clean up the mess out there.” 

Toni wasn’t one for cleaning up her messes. She usually caused the chaos but never stopped long enough to repair those things caught in the crossfire. But everything about this placement was different. Dani and Jamie treated her like a person, and while they were considerate of her feelings, they also reminded her that she couldn’t blow things up and then walk away. The smashed pot in the store needed to be dealt with, and it was her responsibility. 

For the first time, Toni didn’t feel burdened by the consequences of her actions, though. If anything, she felt like cleaning up the mess would prove to her foster moms that she was trying just as hard as them to make this situation work. 

“I can do that,” Toni agreed as she got up and started to make her way to the broom closet. 

Back at the front of the store, Toni had yet to stop being surprised when she realized that Dani and Jamie weren’t going to make her clean up the dirt and broken pot alone. 

The three of them worked together to clean up Toni’s mess. And while it baffled her that the two women even wanted to help her in the first place, it was a reality that she would eventually have to get used to. 

In that moment, they didn’t feel like family the way that Regan did. They didn’t fill that aching hole that Toni had in her heart after years of abandonment. But they were enough for now, and just like the mess being picked up off the floor, Toni felt herself healing. 

\-----

That night, long after Toni had gone to her own room and Dani and Jamie had finished cleaning up the kitchen and living room for the night, the two women found themselves wrapped up in each other’s embraces on their bed as they watched sitcom re-runs on the TV. 

Jamie was lulled into a state of tranquility due to the rhythmic rise and fall of Dani’s chest and the gentle thumping of her heart that was echoing against Jamie’s right ear. 

Just before sleep could pull Jamie under, Dani laughed a bit and the vibration through her chest made Jamie alert once more.

Nothing funny happened on the screen, though. And yet, Dani was still chucking.

“What’s so funny, Poppins?” Jamie asked as she stifled a yawn and readjusted a bit so then more of her body was rested on top of Dani. 

“You’re gaydar’s for shit, babe,” Dani said, laughing some more as she drew her fingers through Jamie’s hair.

“Excuse me?” Jamie asked incredulously as she lifted her head slightly to look at her wife better.

“Even after her first day here, I totally knew Toni was gay. And you still insisted that she might be straight,” Dani explained, making Jamie puff out an annoyed breath. 

“You never know anymore!” Jamie tried to defend herself. “Hell, you were even a bit of a shock, Poppins. I thought you were straight as a board when I met you and look at you now.”

“Hence, my prior statement, your gaydar’s for shit.”

“Well, excuse me for waiting for Toni to out herself instead of making assumptions,” Jamie said in a huff, which only made Dani laugh more. 

“Don’t be butt hurt,” Dani teased as she hugged Jamie close and pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Just admit that I was right and that you don’t have a gaydar.”

“You were right,” Jamie grumbled after a beat.

“And?” Dani cajoled.

“I’m not saying that last bit. Not in a million years.”

“Jamie,” Dani warned, making Jamie meet her eyes once more before she gave her an indignant glare. 

“I’m a lesbian, Dani. I need to have some type of gaydar.”

“I promise, we won’t kick you out of the lesbian club because you don’t have one. Now say it,” Dani said again, her grin as shit-eating as ever. If Jamie wasn’t annoyed, she would’ve kissed it away by now.

“I don’t have a gaydar,” Jamie grumbled under her breath.

“Say that again,” Dani said, giving her torso a wiggle, subsequently making Jamie move on top of her a bit. 

“I don’t have a gaydar. There? You happy?” 

“Very,” Dani cheekily said before she pulled her wife in for a long kiss. When they pulled apart Dani was left breathless and Jamie was the one left with the shit-eating grin. “You may not have the gay sixth sense, but fuck-,”

Jamie interrupted her with another kiss. 

“I know, Poppins,” Jamie said as she lifted herself up a bit so then she could hover over her wife. “I just never fail to impress.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! I'm so floored with the response the first chapter got. You are all so wonderful and kind! I'm very excited to write more snippets of these three characters lives and to share them with you. You've all given me such wonderful ideas to run with!
> 
> Again, if there's anything you want to see, feel free to comment about it below. I'm just going to keep writing and updating as much as possible, so we'll see where things take us; as of right now I just want you all to be aware that there is no structure to this story. I will literally write anything from any parts of their lives. 
> 
> Also, someone asked in the last chapter, but I just want to clarify here that Dani and Jamie are in their early to mid 30s in this story.
> 
> And for those asking, you can definitely count on seeing Shelby here eventually (hopefully really soon); I just need to flesh out the logistics of how she and Toni come to meet.
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	3. the one where toni and shelby try to get along

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning for drugging, attempted rape, and derogatory language against the LGBTQ community***
> 
> This is basically a longwinded chapter laying out the relationship between Toni and Shelby. There are areas that I'll come back to and write in more detail one day, but for now please enjoy the 11 most pivotal moments leading up to Toni and Shelby's eventual romance!
> 
> Also, just a heads up that some of the last dialogue at the end of the chapter belong to the phenomenal writer/creator of The Wilds: Sarah Streicher. I would be a fool to not include some of the most important dialogue between Toni/Shelby; but I did make some minor tweaks to fit my story better.

i.

Being the new kid in school wasn’t a first for Toni. She’d been to four different high schools and she only just started the eleventh grade. And don’t even get her started on how many elementary and middle schools she moved between. 

Toni had lost track of how many times she’d been the new kid, but she never lost track of how many times she wasn’t. Only twice in her time in school had Toni seen a new face walk into class. Once in second grade. Another time in sixth.

But today marks the third time it happened. Toni had been attending her high school in Vermont for almost eight months (six if you remove summer break) and it was shaping up to be the last school she’d have to attend until graduation. Dani and Jamie hadn’t sent her away yet, and for the first time in a long time Toni let herself believe that this could be permanent. She wouldn’t have to be the new kid anymore.

But another person would be. 

It was the first day of grade 11 biology, and Toni took her seat with the slight satisfaction of knowing that the people around her knew who she was - not as the new girl, but much rather as the newest and best asset on the girl’s basketball team.

And just as they knew her, Toni was able to recognize all the faces walking into class. All except one.

A girl. A pretty girl with long perfectly curled blonde hair and bright green eyes. Toni instantly imagined how fitting her face would look on one of those vogue magazines that Jamie sometimes brought home for Dani from the store. That, or on one of those tam-pax commercials where the perky blonde was having an inappropriate amount of fun while on her period.

Either way, the girl was pretty and said girl was suddenly sitting beside Toni and smiling a perfect (of fucking course it was perfect) smile her way.

“Hi there,” the blonde said, voice coated in a southern drawl.

Toni was struck by the accent. For a brief moment she forgot that southern accents were real. For the last year, all she’d really heard accent wise was the mid-western accent from one of her parents, and the Northern-English accent of the other.

This girl before her made her acutely aware that she somehow forgot that the rest of the world existed - not that it was necessarily a bad thing. She’d just been so happy living in the little bubble that Dani and Jamie called home. 

“Hey,” was all Toni could dumbly reply as she offered a weak attempt of a smile in return.

“I’m Shelby,” the blonde continued, extending a perfectly manicured hand out for Toni to shake.

“Toni.”

Toni couldn’t stop herself from looking down at their clasped hands which Shelby were shaking daintily. Stupid Jamie had gotten in her head the other night when she cracked a joke that the easiest way to spot a lesbian was to look at her nails. 

If Jamie’s logic was anything to go off of, Shelby was definitely not a lesbian considering she had sharp acrylics plastered onto her nails.

“I think we’re gonna be good friends, Toni,” Shelby said giddily.

How Shelby came to that conclusion, Toni would never know, but it astounded her how confident the blonde was. Here she was, new and in what was likely a strange environment, and yet she was acting like it was a normal Monday. 

Had she not seen her nails, Toni would’ve thought Shelby was attractive.

But Toni doesn’t fall for straight girls.

ii.

That first impression of Shelby was her last good one. Soon after their introduction, Toni noticed that Shelby didn’t wear the cross around her neck ironically and had gravitated towards the Christ Youth Club at school within the first week. 

Toni didn’t want to jump to conclusions, but she learned very quickly that all the members at that club were extremely homophobic, and she had no patience for that shit.

A month in, Shelby had become the face of the club and walked around the school like a giant promo for it.

“Come pray with us,” Shelby would say as she extended flyers in front of passing students. One flyer once got stuck to Toni’s jacket, and despite better judgement, Toni turned in her stride, looked Shelby dead in the eye, and tore the flyer up.

That was clearly Toni’s last good impression on Shelby. The two very quickly went from “we’re going to be good friends” to “you’re lucky I don’t ripe your throat out.”

The hostility was palpable and the girls made every effort to steer clear of one another. But they were still stuck together in bio. Those first day seats had locked them into place. So for their third period, both girls suffered through the existence of one another and tried not to disrupt the class with their arguing.

Eventually Toni’s frustration around Shelby’s existence followed her home and suddenly Jamie and Dani were privy to their relationship (or lack there of).

“She walks around school like she’s hot shit and spews hate but hides behind god as if it’s a reasonable excuse,” Toni huffed out as she stabbed a piece of broccoli on her plate and stared daggers into it.

Jamie briefly worried that Toni saw Shelby’s face in the broccoli but decided quickly that her child would never murder someone - at least she hoped she wouldn’t.

Dani, on the other hand, was looking between Jamie and Toni in confusion and trying to figure out where in her question about how Toni’s day at school went did this rant start.

“Has she ever actually said anything offensive to you?” Jamie asked as she continued to watch Toni’s fork as it mushed the piece of broccoli down. And her she was thinking that having a teen meant she wouldn’t have to remind her kid not to idealize murder with their food.

“Not directly. But that club is constantly making snide remarks about how queer people are going to hell and that we need to get back on the righteous path or whatever.”

“Has Shelby ever said anything like that?” Dani asked next, though the question was less welcome based off the glare that Toni cast her way. The broccoli was now chopped up. Toni still wasn’t done with it.

“Does it really matter? If you’re in the club you agree with what they say. Period. Plus she’s basically dating Andrew whothefuckcaresthatyouhaveatrustfund Reid. Seriously, all he talks about is his money and his love for god. It’s sickening.”

“Love, please, for my sake, stop killing your vegetables,” Jamie pleaded as she watched Toni go for a carrot next.

Toni huffed out an annoyed sigh and allowed her fork to clatter onto her plate.

“Why do people think it’s okay to decide who can and can’t be together? Who gets to say that consensual love between two same gendered people isn’t okay?”

The question was softer. Less annoyed. Toni was genuinely confused why a club like that could run in a school where queer students attended. She was confused why her classmates got to have a say on not only her relationships, but the relationship of her foster moms as well.

“Sometimes when people are scared of something they try to hate it and push it away so it becomes less scary,” Dani said, hoping to give Toni some perspective. “But you have to keep in mind that hate isn’t something your classmates are born with. That’s what they learned at home and in their communities. I’m not saying it’s right, but I’m saying that you need to remember that hate starts at home and they had no control over what they were taught.”

Toni allowed those words to sit with her. She didn’t want to put up with Shelby and her clubs homophobia, but she could appreciate what Dani had to say about the hate not being all theirs.

But for some reason Toni couldn’t disband the feeling of bitterness she had towards Shelby. It was too deeply set in her soul. She may not hate the blonde, but she sure as hell could resent her.

iii.

Two months into sitting next to each other in bio, Shelby and Toni came to the mutual agreement to ignore each other and not speak unless absolutely necessary. It was a system that was working out well. 

That is until Shelby reached for something on their desk and the arm of her jean jacket slid up to reveal a dark bruise on her wrist. Toni stared at it, maybe a bit too intensely, before she uttered the first words to Shelby that she’s said in a few weeks.

“What the fuck happened there?” 

Shelby looked at Toni in the confusion, then down at her arm, which she quickly hid away under their desk.

“My stupid brother shut the car door on me,” Shelby said in an instant, though Toni could see right through the lie.

“Car door, eh?” Toni pressed, deciding to see how far she could push Shelby.

“Yup,” the blonde grit out as she looked back to the chalk board.

“Weird. I didn’t know car doors had fingers.”

Shelby glared at her then. A sharp glare that could easily put Toni six feet under if looks could kill.

“Drop it,” Shelby breathed, her tone a dangerous warning that Toni failed to heed.

“In my defence, bruises on a wrist caused by a hand are pretty distinct.”

“If you know the cause then why’d you even ask?”

“Curiosity,” Toni cheekily bit back as she tapped her lip with her pencil and looked at Shelby for a beat. The blonde was getting more tense by the minute. And Toni was just starting to have fun.

“I’m not having this conversation with you,” Shelby said as she attempted to refocus on the board again.

“Then why do you keep responding?”

Another glare. Toni grinned in satisfaction.

“You’re insufferable.” 

“Have you met you, princess?”

“God, please, can I just do my work?” Shelby asked in exasperation. 

“Funny you should mention him. I was just wondering if that Jesus club of yours would be mad if they thought that those bruises were caused by some kinky restraint thing you and Andrew have going on in bed.”

That was it. That was too far and even Toni knew that after she said it. Her mouth got the better of her sometimes and she forgot to use that filter in her head.

She really should’ve stopped when she was ahead though because suddenly Shelby was way more pissed than Toni thought she could be.

“Why am I not surprised that someone like you is saying abhorrent shit like that?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Toni asked heatedly. She already had a good sense of where that was heading but she wanted Shelby to say it.

“Only someone who lives with dykes would manage to think something like that up. Maybe if you just joined-,”

Shelby didn’t have the opportunity to finish that thought. Suddenly Toni was shoving her out of her seat and onto the ground. Toni landed on top of Shelby with a fistful of hair in her hand. The blonde shrieked for someone to get Toni off of her.

The whole class exploded into chaos. Students grabbed their phones and jeered on the fight while Mrs. Galanis struggled to get through the circle of onlookers to break up the fight.

“Say shit about my moms again, Shelby! I fucking dare you!” Toni screamed as she continued to grip Shelby’s hair for leverage. She didn’t punch her, but fuck Toni wanted to.

“Ms. Shalifoe, enough!” Mrs. Galanis yelled as she finally got through and grabbed Toni’s upper arm. “Get to the principal’s office immediately.”

“But she-!” Toni tried to say as she was tugged to her feet. Shelby looked up at her pathetically from the ground.

“Now!” Their bio teacher yelled, making everyone simmer down in the class. 

Toni shot one last nasty glare at Shelby before stalking off. 

When the principal asked her later on if she was at least sorry for threatening Shelby she would say no. She would never apologize for defending her foster moms. Never.

iv.

After that incident Toni and Shelby were moved to different ends of the classroom. At least now they really wouldn’t have to put up with each other at all.

But Shelby still managed to make an appearance where Toni least expected her. At basketball games, at the grocery store, at the gas station convenience store on the edge of town. Literally everywhere that Toni wasn’t expecting, Shelby would appear, and for some reason Toni felt her heart beat faster each time.

She blamed it on adrenaline. Her fight or flight instincts were kicking in and telling her to knock Shelby’s teeth out - but deep down she knew that wasn’t true.

For all the reasons Toni hated Shelby she couldn’t help but think that there was just more to her than meets the eye. More than the perfectly curled blonde hair and porcelain white teeth. More than the pristine clothes and picturesque style. And (hopefully) more than the devote Jesus lover who hid her hate behind old scripture.

It wasn’t until a month after the biology incident that Toni got a sense of what Shelby was hiding.

She was at work; she’d become a waitress at a diner on the edge of town over the summer and had been there for a few months now. She’d managed to never serve Shelby and her group of friends, either by sheer luck or her ability to convince a different waiter to cover that one table that was in her section. But today luck wasn’t in her cards and Toni was stuck serving Andrew pleaserunyourfaceintoaceilingfan Reid and his friends.

No Shelby, but it didn’t mean that they didn’t talk about her.

Toni only caught sections of the conversation. The guys talking about winter formal. About the limo and after party. About the booze.

But then, when Toni came to refill their waters for the millionth time because boys can fucking control their water intake, she heard the talk about sex.

The Jesus club boys weren’t as devout as she once thought. All of them had apparently slept with their girlfriends. All except Andrew who refused to take the blame on not having done it yet.

“She’d a prude. I swear, if she doesn’t switch gears soon I’m going to have to take matters into my own hands.”

Those words ran a chill down Toni’s back. She was alarmed that Andrew would even feel remotely okay with saying that around a female waitress, let alone one that was his classmate, but clearly he and his friends hadn’t recognized her from school yet.

Suddenly interested in what Andrew had to say, Toni left their table and went to the still dirty table next to theirs in a faux attempt to “clean up” and continue her eavesdropping. 

Andrew’s friends were also suddenly very interested in what he had to say.

“How’re you going to swing that?” One of them asked, making Andrew chuckle.

“My brother said he could hook me up with a roofie. One little pill and I can get all the fun I want without Shelby losing her shit over what god would have to say.”

“Aren’t you worried she’ll dump you for doing that?”

“She’ll never even know it happened. I’ll just tell her she got wicked trashed or something.”

Toni, in her good conscious, couldn’t listen and not do anything any more. Here this dude was threatening to roofie his girlfriend and none of his friends seemed ready to stop him. It looked like she was going to have to take matters into her own hands.

Returning back to the table, Toni clutched the water jug she still held and stood beside Andrew who faltered in his laughter when he saw someone standing near him.

“Uhhh, can I help you?”

“No, but you can go fuck yourself,” was all Toni said before she poured the ice water over Andrew’s head.

He gasped and stood up quickly; his friends followed suit. Toni knew she had to act fast. They were bigger than her and most definitely able beat the shit out of her.

Looking down, Toni noticed all their belongings splayed out on top of the table. Channeling all her strength, Toni grabbed the edge of the table and hoisted it up, sending cups, plates, wallets, and phones flying around as the table went over.

“Toni!” A voice from behind her yelled. 

Well, there goes her job.

“You fucking say shit about roofieing girls again and see how it ends for you,” Toni said to Andrew in one last feat of bravery.

“You bitch-!”

“Toni, you’re fired! Get out!”

Toni ducked before Andrew could swing. And, following her manager’s order, she ran off to grab her things from the back before leaving.

Andrew didn’t come after her.

Toni walked thirty minutes to The Leafling in the snow; while she didn’t regret her actions she definitely regretted not wearing more layers to work. Jamie had dropped her off and was going to pick her up but her dramatic exit had been a few hours too early. 

Eventually, she arrived at the shop and exhaled in relief when she was encased in the warmth from inside.

“Hi there! Be with you in a minute!” Jamie’s voice hollered from the back room. 

“It’s just me!” Toni replied as she began to rub her numb fingers together in hopes of getting feeling back.

“Toni?” Jamie asked in confusion as she stepped out of the backroom and took in the sight of her snow covered kid. “What on earth are you doing here? You said you shift didn’t end until 5.”

“It didn’t,” Toni affirmed as she continued reigning her hands together. Less for warmth now and more as an anxious habit.

“Why’re you here then? Did you walk all the way in just that?” Jamie asked as looked over Toni’s work attire. She was not dressed for the 20 degree weather at all.

Jamie started to slide off her flannel and approach Toni when Dani walked in with a bag of food at hand.

“Hey-! Toni?” Dani questioned worriedly as Jamie wrapped the flannel around the teen and started rubbing her upper arms in hopes of getting the heat back into her. “What’s going on, sweet girl?”

“She just got here,” Jamie said when Toni didn’t move to explain. She’d have to eventually, but suddenly a lot of emotions were hitting her at once and she was trying very hard to compartmentalize them.

“I got fired,” Toni eventually blurted our, making her foster moms both look at her in confusion.

“Care to elaborate?” Jamie prompted.

“I poured water on a guy and flipped his table.”

“Toni!” Dani said in shock.

Jamie on the other hand seemed to be fighting a smirk.

“What’d he do to deserve that, then?”

And then the small feeling of pride slipped away. Toni no longer found the situation exhilarating or even fun to think about. All she could think about was Shelby. The girl she loathed but knew was at risk of being raped by her boyfriend because she wanted to save herself and he didn’t. 

Suddenly Toni was very sick to her stomach. Dani seemed to notice (thanks to years of child education) as she ran over to the counter, set down the bag of food, and returned with a trash can which Toni promptly threw up in.

“Alright, that’s it,” Dani cooed as she rubbed Toni’s back. “Just get it out. Let’s go sit in the back.”

Dani coaxed Toni towards the back room while Jamie took the liberty of locking up temporarily. Once they were safely tucked away on the couch, and Toni had released the contents of her stomach once more, Jamie tried to ask her question again.

“What happened, love? What brought this on?” 

Toni snivelled and closed her eyes before explaining to her foster moms what she heard Andrew say.

She mentioned the roofie and the plans for winter formal. And she mentioned the fear that she felt for Shelby because even though she flipped a table and poured water on her boyfriend it wasn’t going to stop him from hurting her.

“She doesn’t deserve that!” Toni insisted as tears started falling down her cheeks. Dani reached to wipe them away while Jamie pulled her into an embrace.

“It’s alright, love. We’ll try to sort it out,” Jamie reassured. But deep down they all knew it was futile.

If they brought it to the school then they would reject the accusation on the basis that Toni had a record of acting out and Andrew didn’t.

If they brought it to the police then they would laugh them away on the basis that there was no evidence there and that Toni attacked Andrew first.

And if they brought it to Shelby or her parents they would never listen purely because their gayness made them untrustworthy. 

It was a losing battle but Toni wasn’t going to let it happen. She was going to protect Shelby even if she didn’t like her.

“I don’t condone violence,” Dani started to say as she cupped Toni’s cheeks and looked into her eyes. “But I know what you did today was out of the goodness of your heart. So I’m proud of you. But I also want you to be smart about what you do. Andrew is clearly a dangerous person and I can’t have anything bad happening to you. Okay?”

Toni weakly nodded her agreement as more tears flooded her eyes. 

Dani’s words just further affirmed that she should be scared. Andrew was scary and Toni hated that he made her feel that much fear.

“Oh, baby. What can we do? What do you need?” Dani asked when Toni began to cry hard in Jamie’s hug.

“Can you just hold me please?” Toni croaked out as she reached an arm out for Dani.

The blonde didn’t need to be told twice. Soon both women were holding Toni close. And the three stayed that way long enough for Toni to feel a semblance of safety and security return to her. 

v.

Toni didn’t want to go to the winter formal but it was the only way to keep Shelby safe. 

Dani and Jamie initially refused to let her go on the basis that they knew about Andrew and that they didn’t want her getting tangled up in him. But Toni was a skilled liar and managed to convince both women to let her go with her new friends from history. 

Fatin and Dot, two girls who actually did sit behind her in history, were brought into Toni’s "convince moms to let me go to winter formal" plan rather early on. She had the whole thing planned out and her first step was to cozy up to the first duo she could find in hopes of having them agree to go to the formal with her.

While she could’ve just made up some girl names and pretended like she was going to meet them at the school, Toni knew a lie that poorly fabricated wouldn’t fly with Jamie Clayton-Taylor.

No, she had to be crafty, so Toni befriended Fatin and Dot and subsequently fell into their motley crew of friends which included Leah, Rachel, Nora, and Martha. 

When winter formal came around, the girls (more like Fatin with her dad’s fat credit card) ordered a limo to pick them up. And if the exaggerated vehicle wasn’t enough to convince Jamie and Dani that Toni was going to the formal for the right reasons, she was sure that the group photos they took upon arrival would push it over the edge when she would show them later.

Though, to be fair, Toni did genuinely enjoy the company of these girls and was even grateful to be considered a part of their friend group. While she was initially using them to get to the formal, she quickly realized that they were good people to be around and she was able to enjoy most of her night.

But, as she promised herself, Toni went to the formal with the intention of protecting Shelby. Which meant that the blonde was constantly in Toni’s line of sight. 

From the formal, to Kevin Gaston’s after-party, Toni allowed herself to take part in her friends antics while also looking after Shelby. 

She didn’t drink anything, as per Dani’s request but also thanks to the little voice in her head that reminded her to remain sharp and alert. But at one point - for one reason of another - Toni lost sight of Shelby and sheer dread flooded her. She excused herself from her friends and started to frantically search the party for any sign of her.

Eventually, Toni found the door at the end of the hallway on the third floor was locked. She knocked once, tentatively. 

Nothing.

Twice, with some more force.

Again, nothing.

With all her might this time, Toni smacked her fist against the door and even caused some of the wood to splinter.

She didn’t give a fuck about damaging Kevin's door though because clearly her knocking worked and the lock started wiggling.

Unsurprisingly, Andrew opened the door and barked out a “what” before he noticed who it was.

“You,” he seethed. Toni could hardly register his recognition as she noticed Shelby sprawled out on the bed completely unconscious. She still seemed fully clothed, which was a relief, but it didn’t stop the sudden rush of anger that flooded Toni.

“Did you fucking touch her!?” Toni yelled the question as she shoved the jock back and entered the room.

“You fucking dykes never know when to quit,” Andrew laughed as he re-caught his balance and stepped up to Toni.

He towered over her, but she wasn’t intimidated this time. He didn’t have his buddies to back him up.

“I asked you a fucking question!” Toni yelled as she gave Andrew another strong shove. “Did you lay a fucking finger on her?”

“She’s my girlfriend. I can do whatever I want to her,” Andrew said smugly, as if that would be enough to dispel Toni’s anger.

It did the opposite really. Without another word, Toni was jumping at Andrew and swinging her fist with as much power as she could muster.

She caught his jaw, which sent him reeling, but he quickly recovered and shoved her back.

“You little bitch-!”

She swung again. This time he caught her fist, pulled her close, and sent his free hand against her face in a cracking punch against her cheek.

Toni winced at the severity of the hit but managed to regain some semblance of composure. Enough so for her to bring her knee up thanks to their close proximity and sock Andrew right in the balls.

He went down with a wheeze and clutched to his crotch.

“Go to hell, Andrew,” Toni spat as she swung her leg back and gave another kick to his balls for good measure. She needed to make sure he didn’t come after her and something about potentially leaving him unable to have children wasn’t that devastating.

Toni blinked some of the stars from her eyes before she went over to the bed and started to coax Shelby up.

“C’mon. Let’s get you home,” Toni encouraged as she swung Shelby’s arm over her shoulder and wrapped her own arm behind the blonde’s back.

Mustering all her strength, Toni stood up with Shelby rested heavily against her, though it seemed to be enough for the other girl to wake up a bit.

“Wha...t’s...wh...rr.” Her words slurred together and muddled into nothing. Toni decided not to worry about that yet and started to move forward.

“We’re going to get you home, alright?”

The stairs took a lot more effort than Toni would like to admit. While she was a competitive basketball player, she was still only 5'3 and barely 110 pounds. Shelby had a good few inches on her and their combined lack of balance (thanks to the drugs and the hit to the head) were making them a walking hazard.

When they got to the bottom floor, Toni was exhausted and Shelby was practically collapsing to the ground.

“Leah!” Toni cried out in relief when she saw her friend walking by.

“Woah, what’s going on?” Leah asked worriedly as she took in the sight before her.

“She was roofied. Can you get the others? We need to find out where she lives and get her home.”

Leah dutifully did just that. She rounded up the five others and together they eventually tracked someone down someone who gave them the Goodkind address.

They all loaded back into the limo and, despite the offers of Rachel and Martha to relieve Toni of the weight of Shelby, Toni continued to hold the blonde close and allowed her to sleep against her shoulder. 

She wasn’t sure why, but having Shelby near her was the only thing keeping her from panicking. As long as she had the girl beside her she knew she was safe. And that’s what Toni wanted after all.

For Shelby to be safe.

“Toni?” Shelby mumbled out, her first coherent word since they left the party.

“I got you,” Toni promised as she laced their hands together.

Even in her drugged state, Shelby managed to squeeze her hand back.

vi.

Toni had expected a lecture. She expected her parents (mainly Jamie) to yell at her for being reckless and for putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation.

She didn’t expect Dani to cry. Or for Jamie to lovingly pull her close and hold her in an embrace while being cautious of the nasty bruise that was forming on her face. She didn’t expect them to care for her the way they did, but here they were, standing in the living room where Toni rushed through her explanation of why her pants were covered in vomit (thanks to Shelby’s rejection of the drug) and had half her face covered in a bruise.

“Are you okay?” Jamie whispered the question as she cradled Toni’s face and looked into her slightly frantic eyes.

That question really done it in for Toni. Just like the last time she’d talked to Jamie and Dani about Andrew, Toni felt the rush of adrenaline leave her and the numbing pain settle in. 

The tears weren’t even worth fighting as they flooded her eyes and started to trickle down her face.

“I don’t like her but he was so close to hurting her,” Toni said, feeling that similar dread that she felt when she lost track of Shelby. “Fuck, if he had done anything... she wouldn’t have woken up and moved on like he said she would. She would’ve eventually found out what he did and it would... that shit sticks with you. It would’ve destroyed Shelby.”

Dani and Jamie didn’t ask how Toni knew. They already had a good sense based off of the nightmares that sometimes left their kid shaking at their doorway in a silent plea for them to comfort her. But it still tore away at them to hear Toni cry; to relive her trauma through the experience of another girl. 

“You stopped it though. You protected her,” Dani reminded as she wiped away some of Toni’s tears.

Toni held onto that reminder as Dani and Jamie helped her go through the motions of getting ready for bed. Tears still tumbled down her cheeks as they helped her out of her clothes and into her pyjamas, wiped her face clean of the makeup she had on, and then tucked her into their bed with both of them on either side of her.

It wasn’t until Jamie was gentle scratching her back and Dani was drawing her fingers through her hair that Toni finally felt her tears subside.

“I wanted to kill him,” Toni whispered as she used the sleeve of her shirt to wipe under her nose.

Jamie laughed out in slight relief (mainly because Toni controlled herself and _didn't_ kill that monster) and pressed a kiss to the back of her kid’s head.

“No one is immune to karma. What he did tonight will eventually catch up to him," Jamie reassured. 

Toni fell asleep between her foster moms thinking about the ways that she would kill Andrew. But her dreams were consumed by Shelby. 

Shelby and her too perfect smile and the feeling of her hand as it latched onto Toni’s in the backseat of the limo.

vii.

Toni didn’t expect a thank you. She did what she did for Shelby because she wouldn’t be able to live with herself if Andrew managed to do anything without her consent.

What she didn’t expect was for Shelby to be draped over Andrew the following week after the winter formal. At the very least, Toni thought that Shelby would’ve dumped his ass for roofieing her, but yet, there she was, laughing and clinging to him as if nothing happened.

It angered Toni to almost a point of destruction. She wanted to go right up to Andrew and sock him in the balls again. But Fatin had a decent read of Toni and she knew to drag her away before her idealization could come true. 

“I could kill him,” Toni huffed as she slammed her bag down in History and startled Dot who was hunched over her textbook.

“Good morning to you too,” Dot quipped as she looked over to Fatin who could only shrug an explanation.

“Have you looked in a mirror? The only person who’d end up dead would be you, and I say that with a lot of love,” Fatin said to Toni who gave her a slight glare. 

“How can she go back to him?” Toni asked, cuing Dot into what they were talking about.

“People like comfortable things. Maybe she isn’t ready to leave him,” Dot suggested, making Fatin nod her agreement.

“Well, she’s a fucking idiot,” Toni huffed.

“And you’d be a fucking idiot for picking a fight with Andrew Reid so no hitting, you got that?” Fatin said, her tone sounding similar to that a scolding mother.

Toni couldn't fight her laugh. Leave it to Fatin to mom her first thing in the morning. 

viii.

Toni should’ve listened to Fatin. But her fists sometimes didn’t feel connected to her body and she could only see red when she found herself at the back of the school where Andrew had Shelby cornered.

He was screaming at her, gripping her wrist and shaking her around in an effort to get a point across. And Shelby was crying, begging him to stop. But he wouldn’t listen. So Toni had to make him.

She didn’t get a chance to kick him in the balls like she wanted. But she did get a few good swings in. 

He had a bloody nose and lip, but he also had a sudden rush of adrenaline which allowed him to pick Toni up and slam her down on the ground.

Toni heard Shelby scream, and in her periphery she saw the blonde yanking Andrew back and screaming something at him.

But fuck, breathing was suddenly very difficult and Toni’s arm was aching more than it probably should. 

“Leave us alone, dyke,” Andrew seethed as he gave Toni one last kick to her middle and then stalked off with Shelby being dragged behind him. 

Still in a haze, Toni managed to see Shelby looking back at her with nothing but concern. The look didn’t last very long.

ix.

Leah found Toni sometime later. She mentioned something about Shelby catching her in the hall and telling her to go to the back of the school. 

And despite Toni’s pleas for her friend not to drag her to the principal’s, Leah did what she thought was best and took Toni to the office in hopes of getting Andrew straightened out.

That’s how Toni ended up seated next to Shelby and Andrew in Mr. Davis' office. Andrew had since cleaned up the blood from his face but Toni wasn’t given that luxury. She was, however, given an ice pack wrapped in paper towel that she gingerly pressed to her ribs.

Shelby’s parents arrived first, and Andrew’s mom came in with Dani and Jamie trailing close behind.

“Mr. Davis, not to rush you. But would you please mind getting on with it and telling us what this meeting's about?” Shelby’s dad, Dave, said as he gave a distasteful glance at Dani and Jamie who were still in the midst of checking over Toni.

Shelby watched the two women care for Toni for a moment before she looked away; not out of disgust like her dad but out of sadness that her parents didn’t express as much concern when they saw her.

“It appears that Mr. Reid and Miss. Goodkind had a part in Miss. Shalifoe’s attack outside.”

“It wasn’t an attack,” Toni and Shelby said at the same time, making both girls look at each other for a quick second before they looked away.

“I started it,” Toni confessed, making Andrew smile cockily and his mom glower at her.

“Why am I not surprised,” the woman tutted as she crossed her arms and shook her head.

“Now now, Mrs. Reid,” Dave started, putting on that false reassurance tone that made Toni feel sick. He was so fake it hurt. “You can’t fault the child. Look at the conditions she’s being raised in.”

“Excuse me?” Dani asked as she looked away from Toni to glare at the man.

“You better watch what you say, mate,” Jamie warned as she set a protective hand behind Dani’s back and stepped forward a bit. 

“Mr. Goodkind, please keep those beliefs to yourself,” Mr. Davis said in an attempt to mediate the conversation. “Toni why did you start the fight.”

“He was hurting Shelby. I was trying to get him away from her,” Toni explained, making Shelby's mom, JoBeth, briefly look down at Shelby worriedly. Dave could only shook his head and laugh in amusement.

“You people just love stirring up trouble where there is none,” Dave said past a chuckle. “Andrew here is a good kid who would never hurt Shelby.”

Toni looked at Shelby frantically, almost like a plea for her to tell them the truth, but Shelby could only stare at her lap.

“What about the roofie? Don’t you think that’s cause for concern?” Toni cried out as she stood up from her seat. Dani tried to lay a calming hand on her back but Toni shifted away from it. She didn’t want to be calm right now. She wanted someone to listen.

“Shelby drank too much that night and has penanced for that. Andrew was taking care of her when you attacked him. Now, again, I’m not going to fault you for those reactions. You are being raised under unholy conditions. But you can still change your path, Toni. You can still find the righteous way to Christ-.”

“Fuck you and fuck your religion!" Toni angrily interrupted. "Andrew tried to hurt your daughter! He’s an abusive piece of shit and all you can focus on is the fact that I have two moms!”

“Miss. Shalifoe, I’m going to need you to calm down-,” Mr. Davis tried to say only to have Toni interrupt him too.

“No! Why am I the only one that can see how toxic all of this is!?”

“You two disgusting women need to get that monster out of here,” Mrs. Reid barked out as she stepped threateningly towards Toni; that only made Toni turn her anger onto her instead.

“Don’t you dare-!”

“You lot need to back off my kid,” Jamie intervened as she stepped in front of Toni defensively. 

“Alright, clearly nothing good is going to come from this conversation. I’m giving all three of them a months worth of lunch time detention,” Mr. Davis said in finality. “You’re free to go.”

Toni wanted to fight more. She wanted to yell at the Goodkind's and Reid’s for their hateful words and utter blindness to what the real problem was. But Dani was wrapping a comforting arm around her and pulling her away. And she was in pain and too tried to fight anymore.

So Toni walked away with her moms on either side of her; and if she glanced over her shoulder she would’ve seen that Shelby looked on at them, almost wistfully, as she walked behind her parents and wiped the tears that crawled down her cheeks.

x.

Toni got out of the fight with Andrew relatively unscathed. Her ribs were bruised as bad as her face, and her wrist was sprained enough to warrant a brace for the next three weeks, but ultimately the only thing that was truly damaged were her feelings toward Shelby.

After hearing Mr. Goodkind’s words against her moms, Toni had a new found hatred for the man and subsequently his whole family too. She no longer dreamt of Shelby in a good light and anytime she saw the blonde with Andrew she would look the other way and mind her own business.

It was a normal Saturday when things changed for her again; after losing her job at the diner, Toni was offered to work for her foster moms in their shop. She initially refused, not wanting to take the charity of her parents. But Dani and Jamie insisted. They promised Toni that they were looking for help and that they would rather give the job to her than some stranger from town.

So she took the job and started helping them out where they needed her after school and on Saturday. And things were working out well.

Toni was working the till while Dani and Jamie did something in the back. She had just helped a woman purchase a bouquet of flowers for her aunt when the door jingled and signalled the arrival of another patron.

Toni wished her current customer well and continued to smile as she looked behind her to the new customer. Her smile didn’t hold, however, when she noticed that it was Shelby coming in with a small potted succulent that was tied up in a bow.

“What do you want?” Toni snapped as Shelby arrived at the counter with the plant that wasn’t from the shop.

“Are your moms here?”

“Yeah but I’m not letting you speak to them,” Toni said as she crossed her arms defensively.

“Please, Toni. I just want to explain-.”

“No! Now leave!” Toni barked, no doubt alerting Dani and Jamie about the altercation that was growing.

“Hey, what’s going on in here?” Dani asked as she stepped out of the back room and looked between the two girls. “Shelby, right?” Dani said, addressing the blonde with a kind smile. Shelby seemed as taken aback as Toni but managed to give a hesitant nod. 

Dani was always good about that. She never let her distrust or distaste for people show in her words like Toni did.

“Yes, ma’am,” Shelby affirmed when she managed to find her words again.

“Can we help you with anything?” Dani kindly offered as she saddled up next to Toni.

“She was just leaving,” Toni interrupted before Shelby could speak.

Shelby opened her mouth as if to say something. But instead of words, a choked cry slipped from between her lips and tears were suddenly tumbling down her cheeks.

Toni recoiled; she was never good with people crying. But Dani was; Dani was all good and love and kindness and Toni swore that she didn’t even see her foster mom hesitate before she was approaching Shelby around the counter and mumbling reassurances to her.

Toni slipped away to the back quickly, and scrambled to the opened door that Jamie had no doubt slipped through. 

Sure enough, Jamie was potting a large plant out back and smiled up at Toni when she approached.

“Hi, love. You’re not scaring off our customers, are you?”

Toni, still slightly shocked by Shelby’s crying, could only offer a weak smile as she knelt by the pot and began to help Jamie with pouring soil into it.

“It was Shelby,” Toni revealed, making Jamie pause and look her way with nothing but concern.

“I’m surprised she’d set foot around here after last week.”

“She was crying... Dani’s talking to her right now,” Toni explained, making Jamie puff out a breath and sit back on her haunches.

“Should I go check on them, then?” Jamie asked, making Toni look at her pleadingly.

“Can’t you just stay here with me?” Toni asked the question softly, making Jamie smile sympathetically and nod her agreement.

“Mmm, looks like you got something there,” Jamie said as she reached out and wiped Toni’s cheek with her dirt covered fingers. Toni groaned at the sneaky trick and tried to wipe away the dirt that Jamie left behind on her face.

Jamie could only laugh as she re-submerged her hands into the bag of dirt between them.

“Hey, I don’t know if Dani or I have mentioned it to you before,” Jamie started to say as she patted some dirt around the plant. “But you’re a really good kid, Toni. And you’ve got so much love in you. We see that.”

Toni could only smile bashfully at the remark. People only saw her short temper. But finally her true colours were coming though. It made Toni feel good.

xi.

Toni was less on edge about Shelby after learning what happened during her and Dani’s private conversation. 

Dani explained that Shelby was genuinely apologetic for her dad’s words and that she didn’t want to believe what Andrew did but knew that Toni saved her from something horrible. She was clearly trapped in a very tight corner and having someone like Dani to speak to was beyond helpful.

Shelby also left them a little succulent, which Jamie eagerly accepted on the basis that their home could never have too many plants.

Despite Toni and Shelby still not speaking after that encounter, there was a silent agreement that they didn’t have to hate each other anymore. 

That came to help when their bio teacher randomly selected partners for the big mid-year project and Toni got stuck with Shelby. They could be amicable with each other long enough to complete their project, which they agreed had to be done at Toni’s place since Shelby’s family was far less inviting of Toni.

So Shelby went over on the following Sunday after church and the two found themselves seated on Toni’s bedroom floor with a large poster of the human body splayed out before them which they were using as a base for their life-size human anatomy 3D board. 

“It’s weird to think that all these bits are in us right now,” Shelby said in an attempt to make conversation and lighten the mood.

Toni briefly glanced up from the pink-dyed plastic bag that she was stuffing with cotton to turn into a large intestine. She didn’t offer anything in return, which made Shelby look around the room awkwardly.

“I don’t think I ever thanked you,” Shelby said, her voice softer as she nervously fiddled her thumbs and looked down at her lap.

“We don’t have to do this,” Toni said with a shake of her head.

“We do though. Because I’ve said some hurtful things to you and you still stood up for me when no one would. You didn’t have to do that, so thank you, Toni.”

Toni nodded her acceptance and went back to her task. 

“I don’t hate you, by the way. You know that right?” 

Toni felt a pang of anger rush through her. While Shelby showed remorse for her dad’s behaviour, she never downright denounced her beliefs and what she’s said about Toni’s moms before. 

“Yeah, you actually do though. The way you and that awful club of yours talk about queer people and anything that doesn’t fit your agenda is disgusting. I’m sorry, that’s hate. Least you can do is own it.”

Shelby recoiled slightly at the reminder but looked back at Toni. She was having this conversation head on, it was the only way to make things right.

“That’s not just me, you know. It was how my parents raised me. It hasn’t been easy trying to unlearn everything I was told as a kid.”

“Okay, maybe don’t talk to me about hard,” Toni retorted. She wasn’t about to listen to Shelby share the hardships that came with her white-privilege life.

“Okay, nobody believes me when i say this, but I do have actual problems - like way more thank you can imagine.”

Toni huffed out an annoyed breath and stopped trying to work on the project all together. “Right, great. Let’s hear them then.” 

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to have to be perfect every second. To be watched like a hawk for the slightest bit of weight gain or the tiniest wobble in my heel or if my hem is just a centimetre off regulation, or I say the wrong thing about international relations.”

“So you’re really complaining to me about being judged when you literally signed up for that-“

“I know, I know," Shelby interrupted with an unsure sigh. "But I’m not just talking about pageant stuff. It feels like everywhere i go somebody’s asking me to meet some kind of expectation. It’s a lot, is all. The pressure,” Shelby faltered slightly with her words; she seemed almost sad but Toni wasn’t going to let her off easy on the subject matter.

“Yeah well, my dad’s been a no show since day one and my mom’s been in and out of rehab like it’s a fucking White Castle. So nobody expects shit from me; it doesn’t feel great either," Toni said; she could've stopped there, but she really wanted Shelby to know that her attempt to level with Toni wasn't working. "Do you know how many field trips I had to bail on because no one’s been there to sign my permission slip? I don’t give a fuck about going to the planetarium, but it would’ve been nice to have someone there to say that I could go.”

“Yeah, but like what-.”

“Shelby, you know if you’re trying to out sad me it’s a losing fucking battle-.”

“But you’re free, don’t you see that! You don’t have to answer to anybody!” Shelby said frantically as she sat up on her knees and leant in closer to Toni. 

“And neither do you. You’re your own person, Shelby! You have to decide for yourself what you want and you have to go after it. I don’t know what else to tell you-,”

And then Shelby was kissing her. She was kissing her and her lips were as soft as her hands and she tasted like the peppermint gum that she always chewed at school. 

Toni knew she shouldn’t have indulged the interaction. She should have pulled away not only for her sake but for Shelby’s as well. Shelby was probably just confused and Toni wasn’t ready to have her heart broken by another girl. But she couldn’t fight it. She never noticed, but deep down she wanted this probably as much as Shelby did.

When the two broke apart, Shelby sighed out in the space between them. “I know what I want."

“You sure?” Toni whispered the question as she rested her forehead against Shelby’s. 

“Positive.”

Both girls smiled before they pulled each other in for another kiss.

Toni didn’t fall for straight girls.

But maybe straight girls fell for Toni.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As always, it was wonderful to read the comments you guys left on my last update! Some of you had such great ideas and I've already made up a list of prompts that I fully intend to write and use in this story. 
> 
> I know this chapter didn't have a lot of Dani, Jamie, and Toni but I promise the next one will have a strong focus on the three of them again. 
> 
> Thanks again for all the love, comments, and kudos! Keep leaving your ideas below - I'm having so much more fun with this crossover now that I know so many of you are invested. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	4. the one where toni learns to trust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A tense day in the apartment leads to Jamie's losing her cool and Toni panicking. Or, the first time that Toni realized that she didn't always have to flinch.

When Jamie was four, her mother told her for the first time that her temper would get her into loads of trouble one day.

She couldn’t quite remember the reason why her mom said those words to her, or how she managed to remember them long into her adulthood, but Jamie knew that while her mom was wrong about a lot of things, she wasn’t wrong about that. Jamie had a short-temper and it followed her like a dark cloud for years.

It was Jamie’s temper that got her carted between foster families; it was her temper that caused her to run away from her most abusive placement and into the waiting arms of her home-town's worst influences. 

By sixteen, Jamie was well acquainted with drugs, alcohol, and sleeping around for a pretty penny; she was a scrappy thing getting by, but it was those very conditions that ignited more fire behind Jamie’s insurmountable temper.

When she was eighteen, Jamie nearly beat a man to death – she would’ve likely gotten away with it too had the man not been a high-profile businessman on the hunt for vengeance. It was a week after she almost killed him that he had her locked up behind bars. The way the jury saw it, he was a well-respected gentleman, and she was a worthless piece of trash; it didn’t matter that he put her in a compromised position. Either way, Jamie’s temper never simmered. 

Prison would have easily been one of Jamie’s worst experiences had it not been the place that introduced her to gardening and her therapist. Almost murdering a man basically saved Jamie’s life as she finally began to do some much needed healing from her childhood.

And while her therapist from prison did wonders in helping Jamie understand her past, neither of them could ever truly pinpoint where Jamie’s temper stemmed from or how they could go about controlling it.

After prison, Jamie landed a job with the Wingraves almost immediately; the kind couple were far too generous with their money and time and took a chance on Jamie when the rest of the world turned its back on her. And it was their kindness that gave Jamie some good to hold onto for a while; she didn’t feel the need to be angry for a good-long while. And it was nice.

But then the couple tragically passed and, in their place, Henry stepped forward and began to dictate who worked on the property and what happened with his orphaned niece and nephew.

Jamie felt less happy after those changes were made; but she still had her plants, and she still had her creative freedom, so it wasn’t all bad. 

Until Peter fucking Quint rode through. He left a lot of bad in his wake; a lot of chaos that stoked the fire in Jamie and made her temper flare alarmingly more than it had in years. 

Jamie briefly worried that Peter’s effects would leave her permanently fuming; but then Dani Clayton walked in. 

And that fire was suddenly controlled again because Dani knew how to feed it and keep it at a safe size. 

So now, six years later and with a new kid who Dani already loved and Jamie was slowly falling for as well, Jamie thought she had somewhat of a control over the temper that her mother warned her about almost 30 years ago. 

She _thought_ she had control.

Dani and Jamie were always balanced. They knew what to say to one another to prevent arguments and they knew how to control themselves and prevent un-necessary outbursts. Jamie could count on one hand how many explosive arguments they had in their six years together.  
But they were having an off day today; everything they said to one another felt directed and angry and full of spite. And Jamie was at her wits end when she realized that Toni had managed to pick up on their energy and adopted their anger as well. 

Their apartment was small; enough for three but still small. Three angry people filled the space up too much; even when they tried to stake claim on their own space and use it as a hideaway, it felt like they were encroaching on one another and Jamie was just about ready to lose it.

She didn’t mean for her loss of control to unravel the way it did. She thought she had managed her temper – that she could control it. 

But today proved otherwise.

Jamie was in the midst of trying to prepare dinner, a task she regularly loathed since her food always came out looking already digested. But Dani was in a mood too and she angrily told Jamie to make dinner for once since she was too exhausted to be bothered.

Maybe Jamie wouldn’t have lost it if Dani had left her alone. But the blonde had a small (rather annoying) habit of micro-managing when she was displeased with Jamie. So, she stood at the kitchen table and made remarks about things Jamie did over the stove and the brunette was reaching her boiling point. 

“The heat is too high on the sauce, Jamie!” Dani chastised, making Jamie puff out an annoyed breath. 

She was _this_ close to flipping her wife off, but deep down she knew that would be childish.

Nonetheless, the warning rubbed her the wrong way. 

Toni decided to walk into the kitchen then, her nose scrunched in disgust when she smelt what Jamie was trying to cook. 

“Smells like shit-,” Toni began to say, only to have Jamie spin around angrily.

“You can make dinner yourself then!” Jamie angrily yelled as she threw her arms up in exasperation. Jamie blanched when she realized that it wasn’t Dani behind her but much rather Toni.

Toni, who also paled significantly and scrambled back in an effort to avoid Jamie’s arms. 

Jamie wasn’t going to hit Toni; she wasn’t going to hit Dani either, despite her frantic gesture that seemed to make Toni believe otherwise.

But clearly the younger girl didn’t know that, because suddenly she was hitting the wall by the sink and looking around frantically for a way out. 

“I’m sorry, love. Hey, I’m sorry!” Jamie said in a rush as she switched off the stove and moved towards Toni who only cowered away more.

Toni was deep in her panic now; too far gone to even really register Jamie’s words. All she seemed to notice was Dani and Jamie who were standing near her and trapping her further against the wall. 

“Fuck, what did I do?” Jamie worriedly asked Dani who had more experience with Toni in this state.

Dani didn’t regard her wife for a moment. She was focused only on Toni who had started to shake and gasp for air. 

“Toni. Listen,” Dani began to say as she tried to look the teen in the eyes. “You’re safe, okay? No one is going to hurt you here. You’re safe.”

Toni shook her head in the negative. She clearly didn’t agree with what she was being told. Jamie felt sick looking at the state she pushed her kid into. If she had _just controlled_ her anger better she wouldn’t have lashed out and scared Toni into a panic attack. 

“Toni-,” Dani tried again.

“Can’t- brea-the,” Toni croaked out as she frantically grabbed at her own shirt.

“Okay, okay. Slide down for me,” Dani coached as she gently took one of Toni’s hands and used it as a guide to get the girl to slide down the wall and sit on the kitchen tile. 

Despite feeling ill, Jamie went down with them and continued to look on with nothing but concern.

“Arms up. Atta girl,” Dani praised when Toni shakily lifted her hands and rested them onto her head. “Deep breaths now. Right down to your tummy.” 

Subconsciously, Jamie began to copy her wife’s exaggerated breaths that she was doing as a demonstration for Toni. It wasn’t until later that Jamie realized that Dani was using the same calming exercise that she used on Miles and Flora back at the manor – the same ones that she explained worked in her classroom when a student got too riled up. 

“You’re doing so great, sweet girl!” Dani praised, though Toni hadn’t made much improvement yet. It was clearly still startling the teen who shook her head in refusal to believe it.

“Da-ni,” Toni pleaded in broken gasps. She wanted her foster mom to fix this for her like she did the last time. 

“I’m right here. Right beside you. We just need to keep breathing, yeah?” 

Toni nodded and continued fighting her body for proper inhales and exhales. 

Eventually, the teen managed to swallow five deep breaths which helped to ease the shaking in her limbs. When she felt secure enough, she dropped her arms back to her lap and kept focusing on her breathing without Dani’s help. 

Dani relaxed significantly then and sat on the kitchen floor in a more comfortable position than her previous crouched pose. 

“I’m sorry,” Toni croaked out when she finally found her words again.

“No!” Both Dani and Jamie said at the same time, though Dani looked at her wife and nodded, a sign that it was her turn to take the reins. 

“Don’t apologize. That was all me, Toni. I should have never snapped at you like that. I’m so sorry, love” Jamie said as genuinely as possible. She wanted to reach out and place a reassuring hand on Toni’s knee, but she was still unsure of what the teen was/wasn’t okay with. So, she gave her space for now. “I want you to know that I would never, ever, lay my hands on you or Dani in a harmful way,” Jamie continued. She had to blink back the tears that welled in her eyes. She hated that she even had to say those words, but here she was. 

“Other parents said the same thing,” Toni whispered as she picked some of the lint from her sweatpants. 

“I’m sure they did. Some of the families I stayed with would also make me promises and then go against them. But I know how much that hurts, which is why I would never lie to you. I just… I lost my temper and that never should have happened… I will try my best to control myself next time.”

Toni looked at Jamie then; it was clear that her words were being processed by the teen who was likely fed too many false-promises in her nine years in the system. But Jamie could safely guess that the promises resounded more than the ones that Toni heard before; she wasn’t promising to never react the way she did again, but she was promising to try to have a better grasp on her emotions next time. It was an obtainable promise, one that Toni clearly noticed as well since she eventually nodded her acceptance to Jamie’s apology.

“I’m still sorry for saying your food smelt bad,” Toni said, making Jamie crack a slight smile. 

“Smells like absolute shite, doesn’t it?” Jamie jested, finally earning a wet chuckle from the teen who wiped at her cheeks and nodded.

“What do you say to pizza?” Dani suggested as she gently reached out and grabbed Toni’s hand. 

“Sounds a lot more appetizing than whatever Jamie was brewing,” Toni said, making both women laugh.

“I’ll go make the call then,” Dani said, giving Toni’s hand one last squeeze before she got off the kitchen floor and left Jamie and Toni alone.

They sat in silence for a beat, though it wasn’t awkward. Jamie was thankful for that – she initially worried that having a new person in the house would lead to awkward silences, which she hated. But that never happened with Toni. 

“I really am sorry, Toni,” Jamie said softly, wanting to really drive it home and make sure that Toni knew that her reaction was not going to be happening again anytime soon; not if she had anything to say about it.

“No, no, I over-reacted,” Toni tried to reassure, but Jamie could only shake her head in the negative. 

“Your reaction wasn’t the problem. It was my explosion. I’ve always had a bit of a problem with my temper, but I swear to you I have never, and I will never, direct my anger towards you or Dani in a physical way.”

Toni looked at Jamie thoughtfully then, like she was contemplating a thought and deciding whether or not to broach on the subject. 

“You never pegged me as the temperamental type,” Toni eventually said, making Jamie puff out a shocked laugh. 

“You’d be the first to say that-,”

“No, seriously,” Toni interrupted. “You always seem to have such a handle over yourself. That’s why I was a bit surprised when you yelled. Usually I have a good read on whoever I’m living with and I can tell if they can be short-tempered or not. But you… you never seemed like the type…” Toni faltered on her final sentence and looked down at her lap unsurely.

“I can’t tell if that’s a good or a bad thing,” Jamie confessed, making her foster kid shrug. 

“Usually I’d find that scary. But… I can’t explain why but I trust you and Dani. More than I’ve trusted any of my past foster families. Which is sort of nice but really scary because I have no idea if one morning I’ll wake up and you guys won’t treat me the same way anymore.”

Jamie nodded, which felt like the only thing she could do because what Toni just described was something she endured as well as a kid. There would always be families who were too good to be true; Jamie never made the mistake of trusting anyone early on, but she could sympathize with Toni’s fear since she had no way to truly determine if her and Dani were really as good as they made themselves out to be. 

“Can be scary trusting people, isn’t it?” Jamie decided to say, earning a small nod from Toni who had taken to picking her cuticles. “I’m glad that you feel like you can trust me and Dani. And I really do hope that my outburst today doesn’t break that trust too much; but I swear to you, who Dani and I are won’t change overnight. We’ll have off days like today, but this isn’t permanent. Tomorrow we’ll start fresh and be better because that’s what we swore to each other when we got married.”

“Really?” Toni asked skeptically. 

“Got the tape to prove it. I could even show it to you if you’d like,” Jamie offered as a small smile appeared on her lips. She loved thinking about her and Dani’s wedding tape. It was a magical day that she would cherish forever; knowing that she had the video that permanently captured it never failed to make Jamie smile.

“Maybe we can watch it over pizza?” Toni proposed, making Jamie smile wider.

“I like the way you think,” Jamie said as an agreement before getting up and extending a hand out to Toni. 

The younger girl accepted the helping hand and together the two made their way to the living room where Jamie got to work with setting up the video. 

Eventually, once they had pizza and their designated spots settled (Jamie on one side of the couch, Toni on the other, and Dani sat in the middle) Jamie hit play on the remote control. 

As they watched, Toni made comments about the beauty of the event and how nice her foster moms looked in their dresses. 

During their vows, Toni listened closely. And sure enough, Jamie and Dani both made a mention to always move forward when things got tough and to take each day as an opportunity to start fresh and to love each other more than they did the day prior. 

It was by then that Dani had gravitated closer to her wife on the couch; their petty argument long forgotten. Jamie happily accepted Dani into her side and wrapped a secure arm around her shoulder.

“’bout time for my favourite bit,” Jamie whispered into Dani’s ear when the ordained minister announced their new title as wives and invited them to kiss one another. Just like in the video, Dani reached a hand up to cup Jamie’s cheek and pulled her in for a long kiss.

Toni, who was smiling like an idiot because she was always a softie for love and weddings, turned to look at her foster moms and caught them in the midst of their private affection. She should’ve looked away; it wasn’t her moment to intrude on. But Toni had never seen any of her foster parents so in love before. Seeing them like that, as in love as they were two years ago (if not more), Toni couldn’t help but think that maybe she could take Jamie’s word and accept that in this family she would always be safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of a short one, but I was really excited to write this after someone kindly made the request for it. I've got a bunch more prompts to work through, so if you left a request in the comments I promise I'll do my best to write something for it. And for any of you that want something that hasn't been requested yet, I'm happy to receive your ideas down below! 
> 
> Also, happy new year! 2020 was a tough year for a lot of us but hopefully 2021 offers more hope. Just remember to keep your chin up, hearts open, and remember to lead as many actions as you can with kindness. We can't control a lot of things, but we can certainly control how we treat one another. I think we could all use a bit more love and kindness this year. 
> 
> Thank you again for all your ongoing support. I'm having so much fun writing these pieces (not in a sadistic sort of way; no, I don't like making these characters suffer). But really, you've all been so lovely and I can't wait to share more.
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	5. the one where toni breaks

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning: abuse, physical injury, and mentions of rape***
> 
> A compilation of some of Toni's injuries and how she learned to finally heal after finding a home.

i.

When Toni was 5, she learned that big actions, no matter the consequences, were her favourite. She loved to be explosive, to run fast, to fall hard. And every bruise and scrape she earned was like a small trophy she could add to her collection that proved just how brave she could be.

This boldness, despite making Toni brave and confident, was not always accepted by others.

The first time her mother berated her for being too “reckless,” Toni had taken her neighbour’s skateboard, ran to the nearest hill, and allowed herself to ride down it on the most unsure and clumsy legs possible.

Toni made it to the bottom of the road, but she was no longer on the board and her cheek had been scraped raw. Toni didn’t cry, though. She didn’t scream. She didn’t throw a fit about falling. 

No, five-year-old Toni grabbed the too big skateboard and made her way back up the hill for a second run.

When her neighbour found her thirty minutes later he yelled at her for stealing his stuff and told her to get lost. Nonetheless,Toni went home all bloody, bruised, and covered in asphalt, with a satisfied grin on her face.

And when her mother saw her, she lost her cool. Her mom was never great at controlling her anger (something little Toni would eventually inherit) but today she was particularly pissed at the sight of her roughed up kid.

She yelled, she grabbed Toni too hard, and she reminded her kid that _no, going to the hospital wasn’t in their budget._

“You can’t be this reckless, Toni. You can’t be this stupid.”

Toni cried then. Not from the burn of the scrapes, or the ache that her mom’s hands left behind on her arms - she cried because her big actions, which she were so proud of, were seen as stupid.

But that never stopped Toni.

ii.

When Toni was eight, she broke her arm for the first time. It wasn’t a grand story, nor was it one she was proud of, but it was the first of many breaks and the one that she remembered best.

She was living with her third placement; the worst she had experienced yet. In an active attempt to avoid her foster parents, Toni would leave for school early in the morning and stay as late as she could on the playground at the end of the day. On weekends, she would hide around the neighbourhood, under trees and in the backyards of homes for sale, so then she wouldn’t have to be home.

Her avoidance act had worked for four months. Toni hardly saw her foster parents, which meant they didn’t have to deal with her.

But Toni was only eight; she was eight and she was reckless (no, bold) and so she eventually got herself into the kind of trouble that warranted a parents attention.

The school called her foster mom after they found her on top of the roof. No one knew how she got there, but Toni had proudly told the principal that Drew Perry dared her and she wasn’t about to pussy out - yes, she said pussy out.

So, she scaled the dumpster behind the school, hauled herself onto the first short roof, and then used the stone wall to climb to the top. And she made it, unscathed and proud as hell.

But then the seventh grade teacher found her and shrieked like she was witnessing a murder. 

Toni knew she could’ve climbed back down, but all the adults on the ground told her to not move a muscle, so she waited until the fire truck rolled up and a woman in heavy gear was reaching out for her and telling her she was safe.

“I know. I was fine,” Toni said, completely unfazed that she was two stories off the ground. The firefighter laughed as she waved for her team to bring the extended ladder back to the truck. 

On the ground, Toni was escorted to the principal's office which her foster mom eventually stormed into 20 minutes later.

Mrs. Wiseman smiled and played her role of good foster mom for the time it took the principal to explain the situation. He expressed his and the rest of the staffs concern about the lack of a parental presence in Toni’s life, and asked that Mrs. Wiseman and her husband step up a bit more and discipline Toni.

“Of course. We’ll have a talk about all of this at home.”

Toni shuddered at the words - because while her principal may have accepted the lies he was being fed, Toni could see right through them. And she knew that having a talk meant more than just speaking.

At home, Mrs. Wiseman used a wooden spoon on Toni. She’d been spanked before, by her own mom and family number 2, but never with a spoon. Easily the worst sting she had ever felt on her butt. But Toni didn’t cry because her big action had a big consequence. She could accept that.

But then Mr. Wiseman got home. And he heard the whole story which was completely blown out of proportions by his wife, and suddenly Toni was scared again.

Because this man, much larger than she would ever be, was screaming at her and grabbing her and telling her that she was worthless.

Worthless, and unloveable, and stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

Stupid.

And then he kicked her. Too hard and too quickly that Toni didn’t have the chance to back away. So his work boot clipped her arm and something in it snapped.

She knew something was wrong because her arm felt hot and achey and when she looked down at it, it was slightly crooked near her wrist.

She still didn’t cry. But Mrs. Wiseman finally intervened and cursed her husband out for breaking her arm. Not because it wasn’t fair to Toni, but because they had to take her to the hospital and deal with all the shit that came with the trip.

Mr. Wiseman took Toni to the ER. But he didn’t go inside. He just dropped her at the door, honked twice, and then drove away.

Toni made her way inside alone and eventually found a nurse in the waiting room.

“Excuse me. I think my arm broke,” Toni said as she showed off her arm, which was now bruised.

The nurse didn’t leave Toni’s side all night. She stayed with her as she got triaged, x-rayed, and interviewed by her social worker and the police who were trying to figure out where her foster parents went.

It was when Toni had her arm set and wrapped (in bright orange because it looked like a basketball), that the nurse recognized Toni’s most valued attribute.

“You’re a brave kid, aren’t you?”

“I climbed a roof,” Toni proudly proclaimed with a nod, as if it would further emphasize her braveness.

“A whole roof?” The nurse asked, humouring the child for a bit longer.

“Uhh-huh. Because Drew dared me and I wasn’t gonna pussy out.”

The nurse laughed, and continued to sit with Toni.

“Too brave for your own good, I guess.”

And Toni beamed. Because maybe it was going to bite her in the ass again, but she was brave.

Brave and not stupid and someone finally noticed that.

iii.

When Toni was ten, her foster brother from her seventh home, Ethan, tried to put his hands under her shirt.

That was the first time she punched the bio kid of a foster family (and it wouldn’t be the last) but it reared less of the reaction she was hoping for.

Ethan was pissed - maybe his pride hurt more than the punch - so he shoved Toni against the couch and sneered threats in her ear.

Threats that maybe, just maybe, earned a tear or two from Toni that night. But her crying as she fell asleep later were greatly due to what transpired after he threatened her.

Ethan, bigger and strong thanks to his two year advantage, threw Toni to the floor and tried to beat his threats into her. He punched and kicked her. Knocked her down whenever she tried to get up - and he didn't relent. 

But Toni didn’t surrender. No, Toni was all speed and anger and big actions so she fought that fucker back.

And for every kick to her ribs that he delivered, she met his face with her fist. And for every slap he landed on her cheeks, she would try to bash his nose in.

Mr. Monroe walked in just as Ethan snapped Toni’s left fingers back and she kicked him in the balls.

He yelled at Toni for fighting his kid who was left screaming in agony. She had to go with them to the hospital when Ethan found blood in his underwear.

As he was being checked over, a nurse noticed Toni’s purple, swollen fingers. 

“She’ll be fine,” Mr. Monroe excused as he chewed his thumb nail worriedly.

“Those won’t heal on their own,” the nurse concurred. 

So Toni was taken back and treated as well. 

She walked away with three broken fingers and one fractured one.

And Ethan walked away with only one ball instead of two.

Served the fucker right for trying to touch her.

iv.

When Toni was thirteen, she learned that there were more Ethan’s in other homes than she could fight off. 

Kicking them in the balls wasn’t enough, so Toni had to get crafty and block her door at night since the locks always had keys that she didn’t own. 

But one night, at house number ten, the lock clicked undone and the chair she had used to block her door gave way. And the man who wasn’t Ethan but had the same intentions found her.

And Toni tried to fight. She tried to use her big actions, her braveness, her boldness, to knock him off kilter. 

But he was bigger than her. Stronger and meaner and he got what he wanted.

And for once Toni wasn’t brave. 

She wasn’t strong.

She was scared and she was hurting and she just wanted to stop.

She wanted everything to stop.

v.

When Toni was fifteen she met Dani and Jamie. 

By then Toni thought of herself as less brave and less bold. Her fire had been dwindled thanks to the fourteen families that knocked her down before.

Her ferocity was there, though. And in place of her boldness was bitterness and in place of braveness there was unbridled anger that pushed her forward.

But still - still - there was that recklessness. That disregard for her safety, that house after house berated her for not having, that kept Toni alive.

She lived for the spontaneity and rush of doing something so horribly stupid that it left her with those little trophies she started collecting at the age of 5. 

So, when she was dared by a teammate to do a back flip off the stage in the gym, Toni did. Because she was no pussy and she could handle it.

But she overestimated her abilities and clipped her chin on the stage, which earned her a trip to the nurse and a call to her foster moms.

A call, which Toni dreaded but soon learned was the first sign that this placement could be good.

Jamie had come to get her; dressed in her work clothes and covered in streaks of dirt. It must’ve been a big morning for planting.

“What happened here then?” Jamie asked tenderly as she crouched in front of Toni and peeled away that white cotton pad that the nurse tapped to her chin.

Toni didn’t flinch, but she did tense up at the feeling of Jamie’s fingers near her jaw and neck. So many times foster parents have run their fingers around the same place before they moved to grab her face harshly or strangle her in anger. Too many times.

But Jamie didn’t reach to harm her - no, she merely reached to peel away tape and bandage to see what they were working with.

“I tried to backflip off the stage,” Toni confessed as Jamie clicked her tongue at the sight of the wound.

She was waiting for the berating. For the _stupid girl_ comments, and the _how dare you take me away from work for this._

But Jamie didn’t yell. Or sneer. Or threaten. No, Jamie _laughed_. She laughed and shook her head before she replaced the gauze and tape to stop the blood from dripping once more.

“At least tell me you landed it,” Jamie teased, which earned the slightest of smiles from Toni. 

“Nearly. My stupid face got in the way.”

“Mmm well, it was an accident none the less. One that I reckon needs stitches. Let’s run by the shop and let Dani have a look before we head to the emergency room, yeah?” 

Toni was dumbstruck. Jamie was not only okay with her stupidity, but she was also willing to help her fix it? 

Toni could only nod her agreement and allow her foster mom to take her back to The Leafling. 

Sure enough, Dani also agreed that the clip on Toni’s chin warranted a stitch or two. She even offered to take her since Jamie still had work to do in the back.

And if that weren’t shocking enough, they even closed up the front of their shop. So then Jamie could work on her plants in peace and Dani could take Toni to the ER. They sacrificed an afternoon of work because Toni wanted to prove to someone that she could do something she couldn’t.

And suddenly, Toni felt stupid. Her other families might have been on to something because here Dani and Jamie were, being too nice and too caring; all because Toni had to be reckless.

The wait at the ER was three hours. Toni apologized every 20 minutes.

“Toni,” Dani laughed after the tenth apology - they were finally given a room and a doctor was going to see them shortly (but really that meant another hour from now). “Stop apologizing, sweet girl.”

“But...” Toni faltered. How could she prove to Dani that she was wasting her time and needed to accept her apology. “I was stupid and now you have to sit here for forever.” 

Dani laughed again. Mainly at Toni’s exaggeration, but also to show that she wasn’t mad. Far from it even.

“More like four hours, but I agree, it does feel a bit like forever. But I don’t want you to apologize because this is my job as your parent. Your hurt and we’re going to sit here until someone comes to fix you.”

“But it was stupid.”

“Maybe,” Dani agreed, shocking Toni slightly. “But you aren’t stupid for doing it. Though, I would appreciate if you could wear a helmet the next time you try to backflip off of anything. But this isn’t something to beat yourself up about, okay?”

Toni deflated slightly. The fight left her body when she realized that Dani wasn’t accepting her apology and that she might actually not have anything to be sorry about to start with.

“Okay,” Toni breathed out when she spotted the sincerity in Dani’s eyes. 

Dani smiled then and squeezed Toni’s hand. And shortly after the doctor came in and made a quick assessment of Toni’s chin before agreeing that yes, she needed 3 stitches to close it.

It was in the midst of getting her chin numbed that Toni flinched a bit too harshly and caught the attention of Dani.

The blonde was quick to reach out for her hand once more and cup it between her two.

“It’s alright, sweet girl.”

Toni exhaled and relaxed a bit as the needle repositioned in her chin.

“You’re being so brave.”

And on that day, Toni actually felt a part of her former self return.

vi.

When Toni was sixteen, Jamie called her an adrenaline junkie. Not reckless, or stupid. Just a kid after an adventure to make her heart go faster.

Toni had to agree. She did enjoy making her heart skip a beat. She liked the rush that came with doing something bold and brave again. So, Toni chased it.

She chased those feelings right to Shelby who subconsciously fulfilled those needs and made her feel alive while also royally pissing her off.

After her battle royale against Andrew - who definitely deserved to be hit by a semi-truck since he decided to basically slam her into the ground - Toni realized once more that her big actions came with their big consequences.

Dani and Jamie didn’t punish her on the basis that she was out to do something good - she just let her fists lead the interaction. But, despite their gentleness, Toni still couldn’t get herself to tell them that Andrew’s beating was hurting more and more as the hours ticked by.

They had asked her in the car on the way home if she wanted to go to a doctor. If she felt like anything was broken and she needed to get checked out.

But Toni vehemently refused and bit back the soreness that wrapped around her middle and wrist.

No, it wasn’t until 2am that things got too much for Toni to handle. She was in pain and she couldn’t breathe and she knew, _she just knew_ , that only her moms could fix this.

So she stumbled, either from her exhaustion or pain, to her moms room across the hall from her own and pushed the door open.

The hinges creaked as she whimpered and, as if they had sixth senses, both her moms sat up in an instant.

“What’s going on?” Jamie croaked out the question as she rubbed the sleep from her eyes.

Dani reached for the bedside lamp while Toni shakily stepped closer.

“I need help,” Toni said slowly, though her tone was what indicated to both women on the bed that something was wrong.

“Alright, it’s alright,” Jamie said quickly as she jumped from the bed and approached Toni who they now saw was slightly hunched over and had her arms wrapped around her middle.

“What hurts?” Dani asked as she too approached and watched as her wife slowly directed Toni to sit on the foot of their bed.

“My stomach,” Toni whined - yes whined, because she was struggling for air and yet she still didn’t want to cry. 

“Let me see,” Jamie gently encouraged as she took the hem of Toni’s sleep shirt and slowly tugged it up.

Sure enough, Toni was wrapped in black and blue bruises. And it was clear that the most affected area was her ribs as they shook with each inhale.

“Toni, why didn’t you tell us about this sooner?” Dani sighed out as she got down on her knees to examine Toni’s middle herself.

“I’m sorry,” Toni groaned out when Jamie tentatively prodded near her belly button. 

“We need to see a doctor about this, alright?” Jamie said, her voice leaving no room for argument.

It’s not likely Toni would fight them on the idea anyways. She was in pain and she wanted it to stop.

So, the three of them found themselves at the ER. And Toni found herself with her head rested on Jamie’s lap because having her hair brushed back was the only thing keeping her comfortable.

And Dani was speaking softly about something - something she knew was boring and would help lull Toni into a near sleep state since it was 3am and they still had a few hours to go.

Eventually - at 6am - a doctor saw Toni. And her ribs and arm were x-rayed.

Her ribs were thankfully not fractured, just severely bruised. But her wrist injury warranted a brace for a few weeks since there was a minor fracture in her ulna.

And despite being given pain killers, Toni refused to take them on the basis that her mom got hooked on them after an accident at work and had never been the same since. Sure, she didn't want to be in pain anymore, but she could suck it up for the sake of never turning into her mother.

Dani and Jamie didn’t push it; they knew to never push Toni. So they kept the pills with the promise to give them over if Toni was desperate enough. 

But Toni never asked for them. Even at 9am when she finally got home and was tucked into Dani and Jamie’s bed. Even when her breath was short and her eyes were wet with tears. Even when she started to cry because she _fucking hurt_ and she was still pissed about Andrew. 

No, Toni never asked for the pills, but she did ask for one thing.

“Can you hold me please?” She had asked Dani when both her moms moved to lay down for a few hours as well.

Dani didn’t hesitate. She opened her arms and allowed Toni to shift and re-arrange until finally - finally - she found a comfortable position that releaved the ache in her side.

And Dani and Jamie didn’t let her go until the pain subsided - even then, they promised to hold on forever.

vii.

When Toni was seventeen, she thought her need for big actions was less demanding. Sure, she still had big reactions when things became too much, but in terms of their necessity, Toni didn’t feel the need to be as bold anymore. 

She had her moms, she had her friends, and she had Shelby. She didn’t need to prove to anyone that she was bigger than people perceived her to be. They already knew.

But Toni realized that she was, physically, was a small person. Being 5’3 and 115 lbs, Toni had a disadvantage in basketball. Sure, she made up for her lack of height with her speed and wit. But that only worked so much when she was up against the 6’2 player from two towns over.

Toni tried to avoid the aggressiveness of her opponent. She knew that she wouldn’t stand a chance if the girl made contact with her. But Toni messed up. She messed up and she got frustrated - it didn’t help that her coach and team were expecting more from her.

“Get around her!” Toni’s coach had yelled at her when she failed, yet again, to maneuver the ball around the court. 

“Hard to do when fucking Mount Everest is in front of you,” Toni grit out - mainly to herself - before she tried to make a pass. The girl’s hand made contact with the ball and soon the other team had possession over it.

“Fuckity fuck fuck,” Toni sneered as she chased after her opponent.

Toni tried to reach for the ball, but the other girl gave her a shove that sent her a few steps back. Toni lost it then. She started yelling as the girl ran in for a basket and dunked it in.

“What the fuck is your problem!” Toni yelled as she boldly approached the girl and shoved her back.

The ref blew the whistle then and soon both girls were being separated as they screamed insults at one another. Apparently the girl heard the Mount Everest comment and was displeased.

They simmered down, though, since they wanted to avoid being sent off the court. 

It was in the midst of a new play that Toni lost her cool again.

“Couldn’t give me someone bigger, could they?” Toni sneered before she faked left and then snapped right. The girl caught her though, and soon Toni was tripping over an extended leg and was hitting the gym floor head first with a sickening crack.

The crowd, which was previously cheering her on, had collectively sucked in a breath at the sound of Toni’s head hitting the ground.

Toni, ever the one to hide her pain, got up on shaky legs and tried to act as if she were ready to play on. But then something warm and sticky was crawling down her face and she had to blink to clear her eyes of the warm substance.

“You really did it this time, Taylor,” her coach groaned as she quickly approached and set a towel over what Toni realized was her bleeding forehead. If she wasn’t so distracted by the blood she would’ve smiled at her coach’s use of her new last name.

“Is it bad?” Toni asked as she made it off the coach with her coach’s hands secured around her head.

“Pretty bad considering the waterfall of blood,” the other woman sighed as she plopped Toni into a seat. 

“Well, that was unexpected,” Dot’s voice said behind her. Soon enough Toni’s friends had gathered and Shelby was squatted by her side.

“Hold this while I call her moms?” The coach asked Shelby who dutifully nodded before replacing the other woman’s hands around the slowly soaking towel.

“You doin alright?” Shelby asked as she used the edge of the towel to wipe the blood from around Toni’s eyes.

“Only my pride hurts,” Toni said with a pout, which made the blonde laugh.

“Yeah, well, just wait till you see this gash,” Shelby said as she briefly pulled the towel back to see the wound. 

“Damn that’s nasty,” Rachel commented when she snuck a glance.

“Really supportive, dude,” Leah said as she hit Rachel’s bicep.

“It’ll scar,” Nora stated, which only earned a glare from Leah and an exasperated _“you see!”_ from her twin.

“You’ll be fine,” Shelby reassured as she pressed a kiss to the crown of Toni’s head.

“Yeah... yup... just fine,” Toni agreed, though she quickly realized that her stomach was churning uncomfortably - maybe her hit was worse than she realized.

“You’re looking a little pale,” Fatin said, which made the others look over Toni’s face as well. “Nope, nope, I can’t watch her hurl!” Fatin added before she threw herself behind Dot for protection.

“Here, use this,” Martha said as she thrusted a plastic bag in front of Toni.

“I don’t need it. I’m fine.”

Not a minute later Toni was vomiting into the bag while Shelby continued to hold the towel to her head and Leah rubbed her back supportively.

“Alright, so this is worse than we expected,” her coach said before she reached for her phone again to call 911.

“Hey, look at me, baby,” Shelby encouraged when Toni sat up straight again. “Are you dizzy? Light headed?”

“Nah, my head just feels tight,” Toni mumbled.

“Okay. It’s okay. Your moms will be here soon and then you’ll go to the hospital.”

True to Shelby’s words, her moms arrived quickly and soon after so did the paramedics.

“We miss one game and you manage to do this to yourself,” Jamie playfully teased as she took over holding the towel for Shelby. 

“I was up against the green giant,” Toni retorted from her place in the plastic bag which she had briefly thrown up in again.

“Let me see,” Dani gently encouraged as she held Toni’s cheeks and waited for Jamie to peel back the towel. 

Toni was getting a better sense that whatever head wound she had was bad. All her friends looked pretty shocked by the sight whenever they got a look, but even Dani - Dani who’s always been so composed and mild-mannered - blanched and pressed her hand over the towel as a silent request for her wife to cover it again. 

“Nothing a few stitches can’t fix,” Dani tightly reassured before allowing a paramedic to take her place and assess the situation.

She was asked all the questions she expected.

_Did you pass out?_

_No._

_Do you know what day it is?_

_May 4th._

_What were you doing before the accident?_

_Playing basketball._

_How many times did you throw up?_

_Twice._

Then she lurched forward and threw up in the bag again.

_Make that three times._

And then she was being escorted to the ambulance. She opted to walk since she wasn’t dizzy and felt stable enough. Her friends called out their promises to call later. Meanwhile, Shelby gathered Toni’s things and joined Dani and Jamie who were walking behind the injured girl and the paramedics.

“You’re riding with her?” Dani asked her wife as they neared the vehicle. 

Jamie nodded her affirmation and set herself closer to Toni before saying, “we’ll see you two at the hospital.”

Things got pretty blurry from there. Toni allowed for the paramedics to re-wrap her head in some bandage and then tried to listen to them as they told her it would be best to stay awake for now.

Toni listened - she could do what she was asked. For the three hours it took to get checked by a doctor, Toni stayed awake and tried to have semi-coherent conversations with her moms and girlfriend.

And after a few tests and receiving those much needed stitches, Toni’s doctor decided to keep her overnight for observation. 

Dani and Jamie went back and forth for a while about who would stay and who would head home with Shelby but they ultimately decided that all three of them would stay the night.

That’s what brought Toni to 11pm. Shelby was asleep on the couch. Jamie was passed out on a chair by her bed. And Dani, the woman she felt like she could show the most vulnerability to, was rubbing her aching head and offering the comfort that Toni so desperately needed.

“Does this help?” Dani asked when Toni’s breath settled.

“A bit,” Toni agreed as she allowed her heavy eyes to close. 

“You scared me today,” Dani admitted quietly as she used her free hand to grab Toni’s.

“I did?” 

“I’m still learning that when you get hurt you don’t break entirely. I sometimes worry that one crack will make you shatter into a million pieces.”

Toni laughed lightly and glanced at her mom.

“I’m tougher than that.”

“I know. You’re the strongest person I've ever met. But I’m your mom and I get to worry about those things,” Dani reminded, making Toni blush and nod her agreement. “I need you to promise me something, though.” 

Toni nodded for Dani to continue.

“I need you to promise me that if you feel like shattering you’ll tell me.”

Toni thought back to all those times she was hurt as a kid. All those times she physically cracked and her foster families decided that the best way to stop her was to chip away at her emotional well-being as well.

She realized then that physically she was complete; she a bit scarred and bruised. But emotionally she had been cracked for a long time. Chiseled and chipped away at until only shards remained.

But then came Dani and Jamie. Her moms who never called her stupid or reckless. Her moms who saw her actions as nothing more than an extension of her boldness and braveness.

Her moms, who took those shards of her and pieced them back together with glue because they knew that even though she was physically okay there was always more below the surface.

So, when Dani asked her to tell her if she felt like she was shattering, Toni could agree to do that. She could agree because for the first time in a long time she knew that the big consequences to her big actions would always be met by the supportive hands of her moms.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, it's been a few days! Sorry for leaving you all hanging there. School's about to start up for a me again soon, so I'll do my best to pop out a few more chapters before the end of the weekend, but after that the updates might get a bit spotty. I promise, I'm not going anywhere, though. I have a lot of plans for these characters that I eventually want to execute.
> 
> As always, thank you so much for the encouragement. I am endlessly grateful to all of you for your endless support and love for my work. And I am open for any/all prompts that you might want too see written.
> 
> Thanks again for all the love. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	6. the one where dani feels everything

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning: mentions of suicide idealization***
> 
> Dani feels everything for everyone; even more for the people she loves.

i.

Growing up, Dani didn’t have many expectations to live up to. Her mother’s only expectation was for her to be beautiful - the rest of her life would fall in to place so long as she could maintain her beauty and invite the world to guide her along.

But Dani never liked that expectation. She always wanted to be more than just beautiful and reliant on the world. She wanted independence and happiness and love. She wanted to help as many people as possible and give her kindness away by the buckets.

She wanted to compensate and give out to the world what her mother so selfishly took away. And that all started when Dani was five and she saw her mother greedily shove past a man who was only asking for some spare change. He had wanted to buy food from the bakery that they were entering, but Karen merely rolled her eyes at the request, snatched Dani’s small hand, and dragged her along.

In that moment, Dani knew what had to be done. They had purchased their afternoon snack - a coffee (which would subtly be spiked) and scone for Karen and a doughnut for Dani. It was when Karen was tucked in the corner pouring the contents of a flask into her coffee that Dani hurried back outside and extended her doughnut to the man who was still seeming downtrodden by the prior rejection.

He seemed too shock to say anything, but his whispered thanks did wonders in flooding Dani’s heart with joy and replacing the guilt that had settled there after her mother’s previous actions.

When Karen later realized that Dani didn’t have her doughnut anymore she made a big fuss about Dani eating too fast and how that led to weight gain. 

“How will you be beautiful if you eat like a man?”

But Dani didn’t let it faze her, because she didn’t want to be beautiful in the future. She wanted to be good. She wanted to make people feel the same way she made that man feel.

Like they mattered.

ii.

Dani wasn’t allowed to cry. It was a non-beautiful act and her mother always warned her that crying would steer men away.

“You get all puffy and red eyed. What's beautiful about that?” Karen would ask rhetorically as little Dani whimpered and tried her very best to suck her tears back.

“I haven’t cried in fifteen years, Danielle. Fifteen. Now go clean your face up.”

Dani briefly wondered if her mother’s internal conflict with emotion is what made her so distant. So cold and bitter and only focused on the societal benefits of having a daughter.

Dani didn’t argue with her mom. She didn’t cry harder or beg for the comfort she was so desperately after. No, little Dani just sniveled, wiped her cheeks, and went to the bathroom to clean up like she was asked to. 

As she splashed water on her face, Dani resolved to never become like her mom. To never _not_ cry when she needed to. 

But it’s hard to not become the thing you despise the most when you grow up under its care.

iii.

Dani wasn’t expected to do well in school. Passing was to the Karen standard, and even then Dani doubted that her mother would’ve bat an eye if an F had appeared on her report card.

But Dani was exceptional. She was a smart girl with big ambitions, which she applied directly to her learning.

By the twelfth grade, she had plans to continue studying. She wanted to go to university and get her degree in education so then she could teach kids to love learning the same way that her teachers did for her.

She had a plan, and she wanted to stick to it.

But Dani lacked the support. For what she had in self-drive, Dani lost in the family and friends that surrounded her. Karen, as always, stuck to the belief that the world would reward Dani for doing nothing but being pretty, so she didn’t see the value in continuing past the twelfth grade. 

And then there was Eddie - the only person that Dani managed to befriend throughout her childhood. For what she had in smarts, she lacked in socialization skills. Dani could conquer any class but was a quiet, awkward little thing through and through. But Eddie became her friend early on in elementary school and latched to her like a leech. 

She wasn’t sure when they went from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend, but after that happened Eddie went from supporting Dani’s plans to disregarding them entirely.

“I’ll get a good job and take care of the both of us. You can stay home and raise the kids.”

Dani detested those words. If she were going to be a stay at home mom that decision would be made by her and her alone. She wasn’t about to let her high school boyfriend decide how their whole future played out.

But he was relentless, and Dani... well Dani didn’t have a lot of fight in her to start with. She was, what she would later come to label as, compliant. Dani liked to bend at the request of others because she knew that it made them happy.

And Dani only ever wanted people to be happy because of her.

So she talked Eddie into believing that she would get her degree and work for a few years before settling down.

He ate it up - he always did - but Dani could only feel the slight dread of being trapped settle in her gut when she realized how deep she dug her hole with her promises.

iv.

Dani had only been a teacher for one year. One year and she was already exhausted because 27 little humans needed her all at once. 27 little humans, with little voices, but big emotions and problems were asking her all at once to teach them, and guide them, and show them how to do better in the world.

And Dani wore herself thin. She gave and gave, because that’s what Dani did, and then she didn’t stop giving even when she got home because Eddie - her now fiancé - expected her to give to him too.

So, Dani was exhausted. She was drained, and she was on the brink of a meltdown, but she wasn’t going to quit.

Because as much as it hurt to constantly give and never receive, seeing the difference she made in the lives of her 27 little humans filled her back up again and made her believe that she could handle the years that followed.

v.

Dani taught for another two years. 

Three years left Dani wondering how any teacher could get through 30. She could hardly fathom the emotional wreak she would become if she had to keep going. But there was that looming dread of being trapped that spurred her forward.

If Dani quit then her mother would be right and she would have to rely on Eddie until she could find a different use for her degree.

She didn’t want to rely on the man that she had been avoiding a marriage to. Each year he had asked if she wanted to have the wedding soon, and each year she’d make up some lame excuse about still settling into her job (which wasn’t a lie). But her time was ticking and she knew that eventually she would be married and that _terrified_ her.

There was a looming threat that Dani had to give more once Eddie went from her fiancé to her husband. She was already stretched thin with her students; she doubted that there was much left of her to go around.

But, just like Karen, Eddie was selfish. He wanted all of her, even when she felt like she had nothing left. 

It felt impossible. Unrealistic. Dani would eventually lose her mind.

But she just couldn’t stop giving.

vi.

Dani felt a sickening amount of guilt when Eddie died. 

Guilt for telling him the truth.

Guilt for breaking off the engagement days before the wedding.

Guilt for not realizing her own sexuality sooner and acting on it.

Guilt for not giving him enough.

Guilt for not _being_ enough.

And it was the sour, bitter guilt that chased Dani away from Iowa. She couldn’t give her mother, Eddie's family, nor her students what they needed anymore.

Because when Eddie died, Dani felt like a part of her goodness died too. How could she ever be more than the person that practically killed her fiancé? 

Dani had to escape it all; she had to leave. So she hoped over the pond to England and found Henry Wingrave’s ad for an au pair. And by some miracle or another, Dani got the job. 

It was Flora and Miles who made giving easy again. Dani didn’t have 27 little humans anymore; she just had two. And they were kind and sweet and _perfectly splendid._

Hannah and Owen had their fair hand in helping Dani unlearn the habits she’d developed after years of living with selfish people. They taught her how to refuse a request and how to put her foot down. And they also taught her how to rely on friends too. They were there for her as much as she was there for them. There was a balance.

But it was Jamie who really helped her heal. Jamie was the opposite of every person that Dani ever met. She was all give and no take. She was always willing to follow and only took the lead when requested. Jamie was soft touches and warm kisses and gentle reminders that Dani didn’t always have to do the caring - she could allow herself to be cared for too.

They were perfect equals. Just enough give and take, and love and comfort. They healed the destructive pasts of one another and taught each other how to walk the line of saving the world and saving themselves.

It was a year into working at the manor that Dani realized that her desire to fill others with her goodness had returned entirely. She felt capable of being more than what her mother expected, and above that she wanted to make a difference again.

Dani wanted to make her impact again.

vii.

Dani and Jamie moved to Vermont after Henry finally chose sobriety and his family over his drink and stepped in as the kids full-time caregiver. 

When they settled into their small town, Jamie had offered Dani to return to teaching, but Dani hesitated.

Back in Bly, she thought she would want to work with a classroom again. But she got comfortable with only two kids after almost three years of working there. She could hardly fathom what it would do to her if she had to divide herself into 27 little bits again. 

Sure, Jamie would’ve made it easier than Eddie had, but it was still daunting to Dani. She just didn’t feel resilient enough.

And though she wouldn’t say it out loud, she felt like a failure for not being enough as a teacher.

viii.

Dani’s therapist would eventually call her an empath. She would say that Dani is sensitive to those around her and absorbs all their emotions despite the emotional distress it causes her.

She would also say that it’s a burden for most people, but a gift for those who know how to use it. 

When Dani asked her if she was a terrible person for running away from being a teacher, her therapist had smiled at her sympathetically.

“You can’t expect yourself to take on the emotions of the whole world. Thirty kids is a lot to manage, especially if you’re so in tune with all their emotions. So no, you aren’t a terrible person.” 

“Is there a way to turn this off? Or stop myself from... absorbing everyone’s feelings?”

“There’s ways to manage it. But I don’t think your the kind of person who would want to do that, Dani.”

And she was right, because despite Dani’s attempts to lessen the amount of giving she did, that need never truly left her. Sure, she was able to satisfy it through her customers. Helping someone find the right arrangement for any moment in their lives always flooded Dani with the feeling that she managed to do some good.

But still, Dani felt like she could do more. Like she could give more.

And then, just two years after she had married Jamie - only six years after they had met - Dani realized what might have been missing.

A child. _Their_ child. 

Her mother had no goodness to give her as a kid; though, there were bountiful amounts of times that Dani could’ve used it. Nonetheless, her mother couldn’t provide, but Dani knew she could. She could be better and love more. She could satiate that need to give that was so desperately clawing at her chest.

But Jamie said no to children. Quickly and decisively, allowing herself a brief moment to be selfish, so Dani dropped it.

She dropped it and decided that maybe she could live with the desperate clawing even if it left her feeling like a failure. Anything for Jamie. _Everything_ for Jamie. 

That’s all that mattered.

ix.

But then Jamie said yes. And before long Dani was opening their apartment door to the sight of the social worker, they had been working with, Marlene, and Toni.

Toni who was skinny and angry. All grit and steel and no soft. No love. No happiness. Just pain.

And Dani could already feel herself crack open. She could feel her heart reach and pour and cater to the needs of this complete stranger who so desperately needed to be filled up with some good.

At first, Toni recoiled from the intrusive attention from Dani. She had always been independent and had kept herself alive just fine without an adult in her life.

But Dani didn’t stop giving. She gave smiles, and hand squeezes, and cookies, and late night snacks. She gave rides to and from school, and movie nights, and the coziest blanket she owned because they were all things that made Toni smile.

And Dani would do anything - _absolutely anything_ \- to make that girl smile.

And slowly, Toni started to open up too and allowed some of the good that Dani gave to enter her heart.

x.

Dani hadn’t expected her mother to appear back in her life nearly seven years after she had left. 

Karen kept her tabs; she called once a year to make sure Dani was alive and to check if she had finally stopped working and allowed a man to care for her. And each time, Dani met her with the reminder that she was running a business alongside her wife who had no expectations for her to stop working.

But Karen didn’t call this time. She didn’t even heed a warning. Instead, in mid-December, Karen burst into the flower shop after it had closed in a huff and startled Toni who was counting the cash in the till.

“I think we’re being robbed,” Toni had mumbled as she hurried into the back room to get her moms who were sorting out the weekly order.

Dani went out to the front immediately while Jamie scrambled to find a weapon.

When both women - one of whom was now wielding one of Toni’s thick textbooks - realized it was Karen, they both relaxed significantly.

“What are you doing here?” Dani asked as the adrenaline left her body.

“I’m here to talk some sense into you, Danielle.”

The name was sharp, and clipped. But her words were slurred and drunken. Dani wasn’t even shocked that her mother was under the influence in that moment.

“You can’t barge in here like this-.”

“I can and I did. Now I’ve had enough of this silliness.”

“Excuse me?” Dani balked; she was quickly realizing that this was her mother’s attempt to blindside her. It was all very reminiscent of a time back in university when her mother tracked her down on campus and made a big scene about how she was wasting her prime years by studying for something that wouldn’t even matter once she was married.

Karen came here with one sick and narrow minded intention; Dani still wasn’t ready to hear it.

“When are you going to stop playing this stupid game and find a real man, huh? When will you finally stop embarrassing me and just stop all this foolishness and have children like you were intended to do? Your lifestyle is appalling, Danielle. What would Eddie think?!”

Dani didn’t want to respond. She owed nothing to her mother nor her dead fiancé. The life she was living was the one she was craving all along, and no other situation would ever come close to giving her all the things she needed.

But Karen wasn’t going to leave without a response. 

“I don’t think you realize how much good you’re missing out on. My wife is wonderful and she is helping me raise a phenomenal girl. But you’re too stuck on how my life affects your image to realize that everything I have going on right now Is good and exactly what I want it to be. I’m happy, but if you don’t care about that then you are free to leave because I am never, ever, going to turn my back on my wife and kid.”

Karen spewed some more hateful lines before making her grand exit. But even after she had departed Dani didn’t cry. Not yet, anyways, because she didn’t care about how she felt she only cared about her girls and making sure they knew that nothing Karen said would ever come through in the way that she loved them.

No, Dani didn’t cry until later than night when she was safely tucked into Jamie and could finally allow herself to selfishly take all the comfort that she could get.

Jamie didn’t let her go for even a minute.

xi.

When Shelby showed up at the shop, Dani didn’t feel any malice towards the girl. Yes, her views were skewed and heavily influenced by her bible thumping family, but Dani didn’t want to believe that Shelby was all bad.

So when the girl started crying, Dani knew that all of this bitterness that transpired between her and Toni went deeper. She knew that the blonde carried a lot of hatred that she didn’t want to, and she knew that she was breaking down because deep down she was aware that this was a safe place.

Toni had scurried away, but Dani didn’t hesitate to shuffle in front of the crying girl. 

“Alright, you’re alright,” Dani eased softly as Shelby sobbed and clutched to the potted succulent a bit tighter.

“No. I’m horrible,” Shelby cried, her once pristine make up dribbling down her cheeks and marking up her perfect complexion. 

“You aren’t horrible, Shelby.”

“I am, I am,” Shelby sobbed harder as she recoiled slightly from Dani’s attempt to comfortingly squeeze her forearm. “I’m so sorry for what my dad said to you and your wife. I’m sorry for being so horrible to Toni and for letting Andrew hurt her. I just... everyone expects so much from me and I-.”

“Hey, I get it,” Dani interrupted before Shelby could become more hysterical. “You have to live up to all these expectations and maybe it was easier when you were a kid but it’s harder now.”

Shelby’s crying slowed a bit as she seemed to take in what Dani was saying. 

“You...?” The younger girl started unsurely.

“Let’s just say this life I’m living is far from the one my mom expected for me,” Dani explained, deciding to keep the details to herself. “When you’re little you never realize the harm in your parents behaviour, but then you grow up and suddenly... they’re not the same people from before. And that can be hard to admit.” 

“My parents love me. I know they do," Shelby began as she nodded. "But I don’t think I can keep being the person they need me to be. Even if that means they stop loving me,” Shelby revealed as she used the cuff of her sleeve to wipe her cheeks. 

“I’m sorry you have to go through something like this. It’s not easy. Jamie and I are here, though. If you need to talk or you need somewhere safe to stay, we’ve got you, alright?” 

“Even if I’ve been a complete monster?” Shelby whispered the question. 

“You aren’t your past, Shelby. You came here to apologize for the things you’ve said, which means you’re a better person than half the world out there,” Dani said, smiling slightly when she seemed to get through to Shelby who relaxed significantly. 

“I know it’s small, but I brought this for you and Jaime,” Shelby explained as she extended the potted plant out to Dani.

“It’s beautiful. We love succulents-,”

“Did I hear succulents?” Jaime’s voice called out, making Shelby laugh and Dani smile knowingly. 

“See,” the blonde whispered as her wife stepped out from the back room and wiped her hands on her overalls. 

“What’ve you got there, love?” Jamie asked as she took the plant from her wife and examined it.

“An apology gift from Shelby,” Dani explained, making Jamie nod and offer a smile at the teen.

“That’s very nice of you. Would you like to join us for dinner?” Jaime offered - Dani knew her wife was just as observant as she was and knew that Shelby could use a safe place to relax and eat for a few hours. 

But neither women noticed their daughter at the backroom doorway, nor did they see the way that Shelby caught her glare and recoiled slightly from it. 

Shelby, ever the performer, quickly plastered a fake smile onto her face and kindly declined the offer. 

“My mama is probably expecting me home soon.”

“Right, well, our door is always open,” Jaime promised.

“Thank you,” Shelby said, though she didn’t move to leave. She remained in front of the two women and opened and closed her hands unsurely - almost pensively. 

Dani knew what she needed, though. It’s what any kid would need when they realized that one day they might not be enough for their parents to love. It’s what she needed all those times her own mother steadily proved to her that she wasn’t enough.

Dani, wordlessly, stepped forward and wrapped Shelby in a hug. And the girl all but melted and accepted the embrace.

“Thank you,” Shelby whispered one last time. 

xii.

It had been fourteen months since Toni first came home. The girl was so loved and she hardly felt otherwise. But she was still a foster kid, and there was always an uncertainty that lingered. An uncertainty that made Toni angry and lash out when the feeling settled too deeply in her gut.

Dani was always good with Toni, though. She knew the ins and outs of her girl, and she knew what needed to be said to talk her down from a meltdown. 

And that’s what Toni was having right now. A meltdown. A big, emotional, loss of control that had her tearing through the apartment and knocking things over because destruction felt like the only way to release the pressure from her chest. 

Dani had found her mid-coffeetable-flip. Toni hadn’t come by the shop after school, and the blonde felt like something was wrong. Her motherly intuition was strong and she knew - _she just knew_ \- that she had to go and check. 

So, Dani left Jamie to tend to the shop and made the quick trip home where she came face to face with Toni mid-destruction.

If Dani had done that as a child - if she had let her emotions come through and touched her mother’s things - she would’ve been spanked. Yelled at, punished, told that she was not going to get any man being that hysteric.

But Dani wasn’t her mother and she knew that her child was in distress. She didn’t bat an eye when the coffee table cracked against the floor. Nor did she flinch when the lamp got knocked over. Those were things - things could be replaced. But her kid, her sweet Toni who was hurting before her eyes, wasn’t replaceable and she needed comfort more than she needed discipline in that moment.

So, Dani rushed forward and grabbed Toni’s flailing arms. Not to stop the destruction but to protect her girl from herself.

“Let go of me!” Toni had screamed as she fought against her mom’s hold.

“You’re going to hurt yourself, Toni. Just stop for a minute,” Dani said softly as she adjusted her hold to wrap her arms around Toni. 

That girl, built on years of anger and fight and resilience, didn’t let up. She strained and pushed against Dani. She fought back until:

“Just let me hold you. Let me hold you.” 

That did it. Toni collapsed and wrapped her arms around Dani with the same ferocity she used to knock things over in the living room. She collapsed and she clung and she went from screaming in anger to crying.

And Dani held her just as tightly.

“I’ve got you, sweet girl. I’m right here.”

Dani waited as long as Toni needed to calm down. Even long after until Toni’s grip on her shirt relinquished slightly.

“Let’s talk, okay?” Dani softly suggested as she pressed a kiss by Toni’s ear.

Toni tensed up then and stepped away from her mom to look around at the mess she made.

“I’m sorry,” she hiccuped as she wiped her cheeks. “I’ll fix it. I’ll fix it.”

Dani’s heart clenched when Toni’s frantic movements returned. She had gone from angry to scared in an instant and that worried Dani to no end.

“It’s okay. I’m not worried about that right now,” Dani reassured as she tried to help Toni who was struggling to right the coffee table which now wobbled.

“Stop being nice to me!” Toni yelled, her voice cracking harshly. 

“Why? Why can’t I be nice to you?” Dani asked, her voice staying kind yet solid. Toni needed something consistent right now. Something that didn’t waver.

“Because!” Toni cried.

“Because, why? I can’t help you unless you talk to me, sweet girl.”

Toni fumbled with her words for a bit. She paced and tried to find the right words. But when she finally did, she snapped.

“I don’t matter. I don’t matter and I’m tired... I just want to stop. I need to stop,” Toni sobbed out the last bit as her voice cracked. With an exhausted heave, Toni sat on the couch and allowed her upper body to slouch forward towards her knees.

Dani didn’t hesitate. Not even for a second. She quickly slid behind Toni on the couch and pulled her back into an embrace, which was briefly fought but quickly relinquished to. Dani wrapped Toni all the way up and whispered promises to never let go.

And Toni cried. She cried and she begged for the world to swallow her whole and to finally give her the peace she wanted.

Dani cried then. She cried because even if Toni didn’t say it directly, she was willing to stop living entirely. And Dani couldn’t imagine a world without her girl in it. 

The thought alone made her feel sick, and the only response she could offer was to wrap Toni even closer to her.

“You matter, Toni. You might not think it, but you do. I need you to hear me when I say that you are my whole world and I would... baby, I wouldn’t know what to do without you. You matter to me, okay? You matter to me and you can always count on this. You can always count on me.”

They sat in silence for a beat. The only sound being their sniffling and Toni’s heavy breathing. There was almost nothing, until:

“I’m tired, mama,” Toni whispered, her breath catching in her throat. 

“What do you need me to do then? How can I make this easier?”

“I just... I just want to know when I’m getting adopted. I'm scared that something will happen and you’ll give me back or... or my bio mom will try to take me.”

“Oh sweet girl,” Dani whispered as she pressed a kiss to the side of Toni’s head. “I need you to hear me when I say that your mom and I will never, ever give you away. And you’ll get your adoption day soon. I’m sure of it.”

“But when is it?” Toni sobbed, her voice pleading for Dani to give her the answer she wanted.

“Marlene said she’s still working on getting the court date. But it’s coming, baby. I promise.” 

There wasn’t much to be said after that. Dani knew that Toni wouldn’t feel better until they had the date; but in place of giving her that, Dani just held her daughter closer and tried to reassure her that their wait wasn’t that much longer. 

Toni cried a bit more. She had a lot of painful emotion built up. And by the time she finished crying, Toni felt empty. But Dani, ever the giver, always had enough love and comfort to go around.

So, she filled Toni back up with hugs and kisses and sweet promises to never let anything tear them apart. 

And then Dani decided to leave her kid with a promise: “I will always be your mom, Toni. Paper or no paper.”

“Paper of no paper,” Toni had sniveled her agreement.

And for now, that could be enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This wasn't requested, but I really wanted to write some of Dani's history and parenting from her perspective. I think I'm going to write another three pivotal chapters for this story and then drop this major chapter that I've been working on. It'll really be a grand collision between Bly Manor and The Wilds - but it's getting extremely long in my drafts so I might break that big chapter into a two parter. 
> 
> Let's see if anyone can guess what my big chapter is about! Again, big collide of the two worlds, and it'll be very dramatic. Have fun guessing!
> 
> As always, thank you so much for the support. I love reading your comments and hearing all of your lovely suggestions. 
> 
> Also, here's a little reminder that you are loved, wanted, and living this life for a reason. I don't know if anyone needed to hear that, but it's always a good reminder to have. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	7. the one where shelby builds a family

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning: abuse, mentions of attempted rape, homophobic language, homophobic violence***
> 
> Shelby has always feared being alone until she eventually realized that being alone would be impossible so long as she found the right people to surround herself with.

i.

The first rule that Shelby’s parents ever taught her was to never keep secrets. Secrets were just harboured lies, and lying was a sin. 

Shelby wasn’t a sinner, thank you very much, so she never kept a tight lip on anything. Every part of Shelby’s life was out in the open for her parents.

So, when Shelby first realized just how pretty Princess Jasmine was in Aladdin, her first instinct was to tell her mother.

“I love Jasmine, mama! She’s my mostest favourite princess ever.”

But Shelby’s enthusiasm wasn’t met by JoBeth. No, her mother was alarmed by the sudden adoration for the princess. Not because she didn’t think her daughter could like a character from a movie, but because her daughter had never spoken about any character with this much love before. 

And yes, Shelby was only 5 - Jasmine to her was an inspiration, not an attraction. But JoBeth had heard of kids in their congregation starting this way. She heard their devastated parents talking about the early signs of queerness, and how they wished they intervened earlier.

So, JoBeth reacted harshly. She stooped to Shelby’s level, grasped the little one’s upper arms and gave her a warning shake.

“No, Shelby! She is not pretty-,”

“But, mama!” Shelby whined, trying to pull herself free.

“No!” JoBeth said louder. “You will not go down that path. Go grab that movie for me.”

Shelby knew not to disobey - disobeying was another sin - so she dutifully went to grab her Aladdin DVD. She was ready to ask what her mama meant by going down that path before something horrific unfolded before her eyes.

JoBeth, still seething, snatched the box from her kid, pulled the disk out, and snapped it clean in half.

“Jasmine!” Shelby cried pitifully as she watched her mother shove the broken movie deep into the trash can.

“No more screen time. Go read your bible.”

“But I don’t wanna,” Shelby said past her tears. She didn’t want to read her stupid kids bible again. She wanted to watch Aladdin and Jasmine ride the magic carpet high in the sky. It wasn’t fair.

“Do as a say Shelby Goodkind, or so help me God!”

Shelby looked at the trash can once more, almost wistfully, before dismissing herself to her room.

Shelby didn’t know what her mama’s problem was. She wasn’t saying anything mean or doing anything hurtful. She was just telling her about her new favourite character.  
What was so wrong about loving a princess, anyway? 

ii.

Eventually, when she was 12, Shelby realized that her first crush was Hannah Montana and that she had to keep that a secret because liking girls was a worser sin than keeping secrets.

She told her classmates about other tv characters that caught her eye. She expressed a love for Troy Bolton and the Jonas Brothers. She fawned over the male TeenVogue covers with her friends at the gas station three blocks from school as they sucked down slurpees. And she made herself as straight as possible. 

Because only straight people got into heaven. Only straight people were rewarded with a beautiful afterlife.

Only straight people were loved by god.

Only straight people were loved by their families.

So, Shelby started keeping secrets. Because one small sin was worth making sure that her parents never stopped loving her.

iii.

When Shelby was 16 her father got invited to work in a new congregation in a small town in Vermont. A long ways away from where Shelby once called home.

But the move was invited. Shelby needed to get away from Texas because she did the most abhorrent thing possible.

She kissed her best friend. Her female, best friend Becca who was now trying to contact her and talk about the incident.

But Shelby couldn’t talk about it. Just thinking about that kiss made her sick. She wasn’t like that. Her father made it very clear that gay people were predators who preyed on the weak souls of others - she would _never_ ever do that.

But she did - she kissed her best friend. Her female best friend, which makes her a predator. A sinner. An abomination. 

“Alone,” her father said when he eventually alluded to the fact that he caught sight of the kiss. “You’ll be alone.”

And Shelby didn’t want to be alone. Not now, not ever, which is why she lashed out, told her father that Becky kissed her, and then refused to talk to her former best friend ever again.

So, Vermont sounded like a good escape. It was as far away from Shelby’s former sinning ways as possible.

It was almost perfect; until Shelby sat down next to Toni Shalifoe on their first day of bio. 

Until she heard the rasp of the other girl’s voice and briefly wondered what it would be like to kiss her soft looking lips.

Shelby cried herself to sleep that night. She just couldn’t escape herself. 

It was impossible.

iv.

Every time that Shelby saw Toni after that, she forced herself to engage more and more with her new friends from the Christ Youth Club. Every temptation made her feel dirty, so Shelby would pour her soul into the club and force herself to believe that maybe, just maybe, her time there would turn her straight and keep her that way.

She didn’t expect for Andrew to take a liking to her. She also didn’t expect for him to appear in all areas of her life. He was at school, at her church, and lived three houses down from her. He was everywhere.

Which is what made them inevitable. 

Shelby tried to like him. And for a brief moment she did. He was nice - at the beginning anyways.

He kissed her softly and complimented her. He took her on dates all over town and opened doors for her. 

He said he loved her; and then groped her chest when she returned the sentiment. He said he wanted her, and when she declined his advance, he shoved her further against the side of the car, almost possessively.

He kissed her shoulders - the same ones that he grabbed angrily and left bruises on when they had a disagreement. 

He was the perfect boy to bring home too; Christian and kind and good. And he was the person she feared being with the most because their love, which was once soft and sweet was now possessive and painful.

It was only a few months into being with him that Shelby learned of the other uses her makeup pallets had.

v.

Whenever Andrew hit Shelby, she wondered if it was her punishment from God. If it was his way of telling her that he knew she was gay and was lying to everyone and that she would eventually go to hell for all of it.

She wondered if she deserved it. She wondered if anyone cared that she was hurt.

Shelby had been keeping all the bad in her relationship a secret from her parents. The less they knew the better; but then Andrew went too far.

The winter formal had been fun at first. Around their friends, Andrew was kind to her again. So, she relished in his gentleness and enjoyed the attention. But then the after party came. And Shelby lost track of how many drinks she had - though she was sure it only one.

She only had one but then things were blurry, and Andrew was pulling her, and she was tripping. Tripping on stairs and hallway rugs and people’s ankles. She was tripping right onto a bed.

She had lost consciousness then. She briefly heard Andrew’s mumbling, then someone arguing.

Shelby came around slightly when she smelt the familiar scent of the girl she once sat next to in bio. It was warm and a bit sweet and so distinctly Toni.

_Toni._

_Toni._

_Toni._

And suddenly, Shelby found herself vomiting on Toni’s lap, covering the beautiful girl’s pants in whatever she had consumed at the party.

She recognized then that she was in a limo, and that other girls were looking at her worriedly.

“I’m sorry,” Shelby slurred as she looked at the mess she made.

“It’s fine,” Toni said tightly - Shelby thought it was because she hated her, but really it was because Toni was trying not to add to the mess herself.

“We’re here,” a different girl said. Leah, if Shelby remembered correctly, from her English class. 

Leah and another girl, Martha as she introduced herself to her parents, helped her to the front door of her house.

Her house? How did she get there? 

“She was roofied by Andrew,” Leah stated confidently when JoBeth and Dave raised their suspicious brows.

“We appreciate you girls bringing her home,” her dad had said in that fake kind voice that sent a shiver down Shelby’s spine.

When she was inside Shelby was yelled at. Told off for drinking too much and making Andrew look bad to other people. 

They grounded her for two weeks and told her to never mention the party again. She had strict orders to reach out to Andrew the next day and apologize for embarrassing him.

And then she was in bed.

And she was crying. Because her night was spotty but she knew Toni stopped Andrew from hurting her. And she knew what Andrew wanted to do.

And she knew... _she just knew..._ that maybe if she loved Toni instead of Andrew she wouldn’t hurt her the way he did.

vi.

Shelby threw up in the girl’s restroom after she saw Andrew slam Toni into the pavement. The sound, the pain, the look on Toni’s face, made her feel sick.

She had found Leah, which was hopefully enough, but _fuck_ she felt horrible for even knowing Andrew in that moment.

By the time she had cleaned herself up, an announcement came over the PA system asking for her and Andrew to go to the Principal’s office. 

She wasn’t ready to see Toni there, hunched over her middle and biting back whatever pain had likely settled in her body. She didn’t expect to see Andrew’s murderous glare.

She didn’t expect to see her parents smile and greet Andrew lovingly, only to turn and look at her in disappointment. She didn’t expect her father’s hand to land on her shoulder and squeeze, almost threateningly. 

She didn’t expect to see Dani and Jamie, so soft and sweet, rush to Toni’s side and look at her, only her, for as long as they needed to.

And she most certainly didn’t expect to feel jealous. Because _no, she wasn’t hurt_ , but maybe it would be nice for once if her parents asked her if she was okay instead of assuming that the trouble was her fault. 

That entire meeting, Shelby couldn’t help but think of the things she wanted. 

She wanted to apologize to Toni.

She wanted to yell at Andrew for being horrible.

She wanted to tell her parents off for being homophobic.

She wanted parents as kind as Dani and Jamie to stand behind her.

She wanted… she didn’t want to be alone but for the first time ever Shelby thought that maybe it would be better than what she currently had.

On the car ride home Shelby tried to shut out her father’s ranting about how disgusted he felt having to stand in the same room as Dani and Jamie. 

She wanted to tell him that she felt disgusted hearing him speak.

But no, Shelby couldn’t say that because then she’d be alone. And she just couldn’t be alone yet.

vii.

Kissing Toni was nothing like kissing Andrew. Toni was soft; she was gentle and sweet and… like all the good things in the world combined.

And for the first time ever, Shelby indulged herself and didn’t let the pressures of her upbringing determine how she felt in the situation. She didn’t allow the shame or fear of loneliness consume her. She didn’t worry about God, or her parents, or what the consequences of the kiss would be.

She just thought about Toni, and how soft her hand felt on her cheek, and how that tint of sweetness could be tasted on her lips. She thought about a second kiss and a third; and she allowed herself to be greedy because Toni fucking Shalifoe was the one kissing her back. 

And it was good. 

Shelby allowed herself to feel good.

viii.

They started things slowly. Glances across bio class and winks from down the hall. Neither girl mentioned their budding relationship to their friends because, despite their adoration of it, Shelby knew it wouldn’t be safe if her parents found out. And she wanted to keep whatever they had safe. 

But having their little secret almost made it better. Shelby loved finding notes slipped in the front pocket of her backpack, or tucked in the cracks of her locker.

_Meet you at your car later._

That was typically the message scrawled in Toni’s print. Sometimes a subtle joke. But nothing that couldn’t be explained off to anyone who could possibly see it. “It’s just a note from a friend,” Shelby would lie – because Toni and her were more than just friends, at least she liked to believe so. 

They had come to realize that after Toni’s basketball practice, or Shelby’s club meetings, the parking lot would be empty. Nobody would ever see Toni climb into the front seat or see the two of them drive away from the school with the intention of hiding out along the edge of town. 

The car was their favourite place. They would eat fries and drink milkshakes and just talk. And it was everything that Shelby ever wanted from a person. To talk and be heard.

And when the food was gone Toni would hold her hand. And they kept talking until the sun got low and darkness started to encroach. 

Then, “kiss me,” Shelby would whisper after they naturally fell closer together. 

And Toni would; because no one could see them and the whole world stopped existing. Because it was just the two of them, tucked into a safe corner, untouchable and falling slowly but deeply in love.

ix.

Shelby kept Andrew around for a bit longer. He slept with the girls he wanted and she used his name instead of Toni’s when telling her parents where she was after school. 

But then he went too far again. And Shelby couldn’t stop him because while saying his name might convince her parents that they were still together, Andrew still expected his girlfriend to physically be there when he asked.

So, she agreed to watch the basketball game after school. Andrew still wasn’t a fan of Toni, but the girls team really made a name for themselves and everyone at the school went to the games now. So, Andrew went because his friends went, and Shelby sat next to him in the crowd because that’s what he expected of her as his girlfriend. But that was okay because at least Shelby got to watch Toni.

And at least she got to catch her smile whenever she looked her way.

But then, Andrew got bored. Or irritated. Or both.

“Let’s go,” he urged, grabbing Shelby’s upper arm and giving her a nudge.

She almost protested, but his grip tightened. She didn’t want to bruise, so Shelby quickly obliged and allowed him to lead her out of the gym. 

“What’s wrong?” Shelby asked as they left out the backdoors of the school.

“What’s wrong?!” Andrew yelled as he forcefully shoved Shelby towards the wall by the door and loomed over her. “That’s fucking rich.”

“Seriously, what did I do?” Shelby asked in a rush, doing her best to not look at him the wrong way since that often elicited a hit.

“Do you know how embarrassing it is when my own girlfriend can’t talk to me because she’s too busy watching a bunch of fags run up and down the gym? Fuck, my buddies think I have no control over you!” 

Control? Since when does being in a relationship mean you control the person?

Maybe it was from being around Toni, but Shelby felt a flare of anger ignite in her chest when she realized that what was being said to her was unfair. 

“You don’t own me, Andrew!” Shelby yelled as he gave his chest a firm push. She was tired of being cornered and spoken off to because her boyfriend had a shit ego. 

“We are in a relationship. You owe me respect-.”

“I owe you nothing!” 

Then he punched her. His fist clipped her cheek and she stumbled because she didn’t expect it – he had never gone for her face before. 

After taking a moment to compose herself, Shelby straightened out a bit and fixed her glare at him. 

“We’re done, Andrew. I can’t do this anymore.”

But she should’ve known it wouldn’t end there. She should’ve known that Andrew was more of a monster than he showed himself to be.

He didn’t say a word. Not a single word as he rushed her, pressed her firmly against the wall, and stuck one hand up her shirt and another down her skirt in what was likely a last ditch attempt to get what he wanted in her the first place.

“Get off me!” Shelby screamed as his hands fought against the material of her underclothes. 

“I’ve waited six months,” Andrew glowered in her ear. 

She started crying then. Out of embarrassment. Out of frustration. Out of desperation.

And then she thought of Toni. Toni, who was inside probably looking at where she once sat and wondering where she ran off to. Toni, who held her hand as she drove her home. Toni, who let her take the lead, and asked for what she needed. 

Toni, who would drop kick Andrew if she saw him right now. 

And maybe, thankfully, it was enough for her to find a space between their bodies where she would raise her knee and knock him in the balls. 

Her hit wasn’t as strong as Toni’s would be, but it was enough to knock Andrew off balance and allow her the opportunity to slip his hands free from her chest and underwear. 

“Don’t you ever come near me again,” Shelby spat out as she tried to keep a brave front. 

She stumbled away from Andrew before he could grab her again and rushed back into the school. She needed to grab her things and get as far away from everything as possible.

In the midst of grabbing her bag from the bleachers, Shelby noticed Toni glance at her from the bench she was sitting on. And she noticed Toni’s eyebrows furrow in concern when she likely spotted the tears that stained her face. 

Now Shelby really had to get out of here, because what would Toni say when she learned about Andrew almost touching her?

Shelby ran from the gym. She ran out of the school and to the parking lot. She ran right to her car until she was sat in the driver’s seat and then… and then:

She cried. Loud, painful cries that left her entirely unable to drive because she was scared. Shelby was so fucking scared. 

Her cries left her bent forward, forehead on the steering wheel, and completely deft to the rest of the world. 

Shelby didn’t hear the driver’s door open again, nor did she hear the voice of someone talking to her. She only realized the new person when they touched her thigh and sent her reeling. 

“Don’t touch me!” Shelby sobbed as she sat up and looked to her door to find Toni crouched down unsurely. 

“I’m sorry,” Toni said softly as she retracted her hand and tried to catch her eyes. “I won’t touch you. But I need you to tell me if you’re hurt.” 

Shelby cried harder then. Not because she was physically hurt. But because this beautiful, gentle, loving person was kneeling close to her and letting her take the lead. Because Toni left her basketball game and came after her. Because she cared and Shelby was tired of surrounding herself with people who didn’t. 

“Andrew,” Shelby could only manage as she shook her head. “I’m sorry, Toni. I’m sorry.”

“No, hey, no. Don’t apologize. Just tell me what happened,” Toni prompted again. 

Shelby shuffled slightly then and turned in her seat so then she could open her arms – a silent plea for Toni to hug her.

Toni didn’t need to be asked twice. She quickly pulled the blonde into an embrace and held her close while she cried. 

Eventually, the game inside ended and people started approaching the parking lot, something that Shelby was oblivious to with her face tucked into Toni’s neck, but the other girl was becoming frighteningly aware of.

“C’mon, let’s go somewhere private,” Toni urged as she gently nudged Shelby to slide over the center console and onto the front seat. 

“Your stuff,” Shelby croaked out as she watched Toni take the drivers seat and start the car. 

“It’ll be there tomorrow. Or Martha will grab it for me. Either way, it doesn’t matter,” Toni reassured as she started driving them away from the school. 

Shelby silently cried as they went along; her sobbing was thankfully tamed by the distance she was finally getting from Andrew and the feeling of Toni’s hands holding gently to her own.

And they eventually stopped somewhere far from others; away from the town and Andrew, and Shelby’s parents. Away from prying eyes and gossip trails which could reveal their relationship.

It was there, in the car that was now parked on the edge of a road that was facing the mountains, that Shelby started to explain. And Toni listened; of course, she listened, and she didn’t interrupt until Shelby was done talking.

“I’m sorry, Toni,” Shelby whispered in finality as she looked at her lap shamefully. 

Toni shook her head and leant over the center console, slowly and tentatively as to not spook the on-edge blonde, until she could press her forehead to Shelby’s, further shrinking their little world to just the two of them in that moment. 

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Toni reassured. 

But Shelby wanted to conquer. Based on the Goodkind handbook, Shelby was doing everything wrong. 

She was keeping secrets. 

Telling lies.

Cheating on her boyfriend.

Lashing out at her boyfriend.

Falling in love with a girl.

_Falling in love with Toni._

She was falling in love with Toni – and maybe that was wrong to the people that were supposed to mean the world to her, but it felt so right.

“Can we stay here a while?” Shelby whispered the question between them, wanting desperately to kiss the lips of the girl she was falling for. 

“As long as you need.”

Shelby would take forever.

But a few hours would do for now.

x.

After that their relationship seemed to grow a bit faster. Shelby wasn’t tied down to a boyfriend anymore. She could be everything to Toni and she could let Toni be everything to her.

It was in the summer, in the midst of their third “official” date but most likely hundredth hang out, that Shelby asked the question slowly and tentatively.

“Toni,” Shelby started, taking a napkin to wipe the residual salt from her fingers. Toni was in a similar state, but she was still sneaking some left over fries between napkin wipes. 

“Hmm,” the brunette hummed, mid-chew as she looked at Shelby and gave her her entire attention. 

“You’re not… you’re not tired of doing this, are you?” 

Toni seemed to pale a bit, and her appetite seemed to go entirely as she didn’t reach for anymore fries. 

“I’m not, but if you are-.”

“No!” Shelby said quickly, making Toni smirk a bit. “This is my favourite way to spend my evenings.”

Toni’s smirk, if it were even possible, got more braggy. Shelby just wanted to kiss it off her face.

“Me too. Well, this and movie night with my moms. My mom makes the most annoying commentary and I think that’s the only time my mama wants to kill her.”

Shelby smiles at that. Because Toni loves talking about her moms and because she’s gotten so comfortable doing it that she even stopped using Dani and Jamie’s names around her. Shelby knows now that Toni calls Dani mama and Jamie mom – and she knows she’s happy, which is why she’s not jealous when Toni says her favourite evening activity is torn between their car dates and her movie nights at home. 

“I’m sorry we can’t do more,” Shelby said, because yes, car dates are fun, but she also doesn’t want to leave Toni feeling unsatisfied. But she also doesn’t want to find out what would happen if her parents found out about them. 

“Hey, Shelbs, this is enough for me, okay?” Toni reassured as she grabbed one of Shelby’s hands and gave it a squeeze. 

“I… I just…” Shelby started, hoping to ask her real question this time.

“Babe, relax. You’re getting all jittery,” Toni said, her voice as calm and steady as ever.

 _Babe_ – Shelby liked that nickname, amongst others that Toni had given her. Baby was her favourite, though. Because Toni only ever whispered that one to her when they hugged each other close.

Shelby took a deep breath and counted to five in her head. She needed courage right now. Lots and lots of courage. 

“What are we doing? Like you and me. Us… what are we doing as us?” Shelby fumbled through the question, pouting a bit when she noticed Toni was fighting a laugh.

“Uhh… dating?” Toni said slowly as she coughed to cover her chuckle. 

“Yeah, but like as friends… or… more?” The last bit of her question came out as a whisper. A whisper that quieted Toni entirely and made her smile that warm smile that gave Shelby butterflies.

“Shelby Goodkind, are you asking me what I think you’re asking me?” 

Shelby felt some confidence return to her then. Because Toni seemed excited by the prospect and Shelby wanted to finally ask since it was clear that her feelings were being reciprocated. 

“Would you continue having these car dates with me as my girlfriend?” 

Shelby would give anything over to see Toni smile the way she did again. Wide and whole-hearted. Just all of her love and appreciation poured into a single emotion which she was giving over to Shelby.

“I thought you’d never ask,” Toni teased as she leant in to meet Shelby for a kiss.

Shelby held them there for a beat, her hands cupping Toni’s cheeks as she captured her lips and savoured the moment. 

Toni tasted like salt and French fries; but beneath that there was that tint of sweetness that Shelby constantly craved. The sweetness that was distinctly Toni.

Her Toni.

xi.

Shelby became a familiar face around the Clayton-Taylor household. After their relationship status changed, Shelby realized that aside from their car dates, the next safest place to be was Toni’s apartment. 

It was a place free of judgement, free of hate, free of fear. It was warm and welcoming, and so very loving. 

Which is why Shelby slowly inserted herself into their daily lives. At first she worried that she was overstepping and interrupting their lives too much, but Dani and Jamie made her believe otherwise.

They welcomed her with open arms and included her in everything they did.

She cooked dinners with them; watched movies; helped Jamie with the plants she had in the apartment; learned how to make tea because apparently, she was worser at it than Dani.

By the fall, she was a part of the family, and Shelby was so incredibly grateful for that. 

But all her time spent there started raising suspicious brows from her parents. Shelby kept her secrets to herself; less shamefully now that she was teaching herself that God was not the demonized version her parents fed to her but rather a figure that could be used for comfort. Someone to look to for guidance but not permission. She was allowed to have secrets. Especially ones that kept her safe.

But Shelby didn’t realize that her secrets would eventually catch up to her, and that one day she would mention being at school late only to have her mother tell her that she saw her at the fast-food joint on the edge of town.

“I was just getting a snack,” Shelby would try to dismiss, hoping with every fiber of her being that her mother would move on.

“You were with that awful girl!” JoBeth went on to accuse, her voice hard and angry. “The one being raised by dykes!”

“Don’t call them that!” Shelby yelled back defensively, her good-girl behaviour going right out the window when her mother started attacking the only people Shelby really considered family now.

“Even worse, I saw you kiss that little heathen! You kissed her – you disgusting – vile – devil child,” JoBeth screamed as she whacked Shelby between her words. 

Shelby backed away but met the front door. Her only way out but also the only thing keeping her trapped since her mom had her pressed right up against it. 

She should’ve known better. She should’ve known that her mom knew the moment she received the call from her asking where she was. But she was having fun with Toni and she didn’t notice the tilt to her mom’s words, nor did she hear the venom that dripped when she demanded that Shelby get home. 

But she heard it now. And she felt it as JoBeth swatted at her harder – almost as if she was trying to smack some sense into Shelby. 

“I didn’t!” Shelby tried to defend herself. Not out of shame, but purely out of her own safety. She didn’t want to find out what the consequences of her relationship with Toni were. Not yet. Not when she was finally happy. 

“Your father is coming home right now to straighten you out. You will be sorry, little girl. You will be so sorry.”

And Shelby was, eventually, after her father proved to her that he was more than just cruel words and vindictive lies that made her bend at his will. He was like Andrew. Angry and physical and with the singular belief that the only way to make someone truly change was to beat the words into them. 

And it wasn’t until Shelby heard the words “conversion camp” – a good six hours into the relentless torture that was her penance – that she finally found some strength to run. 

She ran away from years of manipulation and abuse. Away from years of false religion and hate. 

She ran away from the people that once threatened her with loneliness and eventually found herself at the door of the people who welcomed her with love. 

xii.

Dani had once asked Jamie what she would do in the event of a break-in. Jamie had paused, mid-task and merely gaped at her wife – as if her look alone said _why the bloody hell would you ask that?_

“Well?” Dani had asked, prompting the other woman to answer.

“Beat the shite out of them, I guess,” Jaime had said with a shrug. 

And she wasn’t entirely wrong. When Karen made her alarming entrance, Jaime grabbed a textbook which she wasn’t afraid to use until she realized they weren’t getting robbed.

Then there was the time Owen made a surprise visit and entered their apartment with the key she totally did not forget she gave him (but kind of did because she almost chucked an empty clay pot at his head.

“What the hell?!” Owen had screamed as he turned on the lights and noticed the swing of Jaime’s arm with the offending item.

“Fuck, Owen! I could’ve killed you!” Jaime returned as she whipped her hand back to prevent the pot from actually meeting her friend’s face.

“I might’ve doubted that before, but I certainly don’t now. You look like a wild murder.” 

And then there was the time their shop was actually being broken into. Toni had left her phone at The Leafling, so she went back over with the girl where they eventually found someone trying to jiggle the lock of the shop door open. 

Toni seemed to freeze (all bark but not so much bite these days – Jamie would later tease that dating Shelby made her soft), but Jaime didn’t hesitate. She pushed Toni behind the doorway of a different shop and grabbed a random rock before she charged at the unsuspecting man who was too focused on the doorknob to notice her.

Thankfully, he didn’t fight back. Just the sight of Jaime alone seemed terrifying and sent the man falling back and scrambling away from his attempted break-in. 

“Yeah, that’s right! Fuckin’ run!” 

Toni would say she was badass. Dani would say she was stupid. 

But it only further proved one thing: Jaime would beat the shit out of anyone who tried to fuck with her, her family, or her shop. 

Which is why, she reached for the lamp when an alarming round of knocks arrived on their door. It was 1am. Who the fuck, other than a burglar, would be knocking on their door like that? 

“Put that down!” Dani had whisper-yelled at her as Jaime made a move to leave their room.

“What if he has a weapon and I’m defenseless?” Jaime quipped back as she grabbed the neck of the lamp a bit tighter.

“If he has a gun then your fucked. I doubt my antique lamp will save you,” Dani argued, hinting to her wife what she was really on about. 

“You’re worried about a bloody antique when someone could be breaking in right now?” Jaime asked, briefly forgetting their current situation.

“That took me two years to find!”

“Yeah, well, it’s about to protect your wife and child from danger.”

“Jaime,” Dani whined.

“Mom!” Toni’s voice cried out, worried and scared which instantly made both women run from their room and towards the front door.

Jaime had expected the burglar to be holding Toni and using her as leverage. She had expected to see her child in danger and prepared herself to use the lamp.

But she didn’t expect to see Shelby, all beaten and broken, clinging to her child who was slowly lowering them to the floor.

“What’s going on?” Dani asked as she ran forward and tentatively reached to hold Shelby’s face.

Jaime took a moment to set down the lamp before she joined them on the ground and finally got a good look at Shelby’s face. 

She had bruises blossoming all across her cheeks and jaw, and her lip was split. Further down, Jaime realized that bruises were also peaking out from the edges of Shelby’s sleeves and the knees of her jeans were coated in blood. 

“Shelby, talk to me,” Toni pleaded as she continued to hold her girlfriend close. Jaime felt her heart ache, not only for the broken teen on their floor, but for her daughter who had to bear witness to all of this. 

“They know, they know,” Shelby sobbed as she clung to Toni even tighter. “They know and they’re going to send me to a conversion camp.”

Jaime recoiled at that; so did Dani. They always knew the Goodkind’s were fucked up, but this was a new level. Threatening to send your own child to an abuse camp so then they won’t be gay… it made Jamie feel physically ill. 

“Did your dad do this to you?” Toni asked next, making Shelby nod slowly. “Fuck-.”

“Let’s get you cleaned up,” Dani said, her voice softer than Toni’s who was clearly letting her anger consume her. 

Shelby didn’t resist when Dani helped her to her feet. Nor did she seem to mind when she was being led towards the bathroom while Toni stayed behind. 

“I’m going to fucking kill him,” Toni declared once Shelby was out of earshot.

“Toni,” Jamie warned as she watched her kid get to her feet and hurry out the still open door. “Toni!” Jaime yelled as she began to chase her kid through the apartment hallway, down the stairs, and out the building door onto the dark sidewalk.

“I’m going to kill that motherfucker and never let him touch her again!” Toni yelled angrily as she started to stomp down the street.

“Stop right now,” Jaime said, her voice firm and just enough to make Toni falter in her step. “You are not thinking straight right now.”

“I am!” Toni yelled as she reeled at her mom. “I’m thinking that if no one does anything then Shelby will be in more danger. No one’s ever protected-!”

“We’re protecting her,” Jaime interrupted as she stepped closer and tried to grab Toni’s clenched fist.

Her kid, all passion and anger and grit, looked ready to burst. She needed her to calm down. To think rationally. But Shelby was Toni’s everything. The same way that Toni and Dani were her’s. So, Jaime knew that rational thinking was far from Toni’s reach right now. But she was her mom; she had to try to show her how to regain control when all she wanted to do was lose it.

“Think about this for a minute, love. What do you think Shelby needs right now? For you to go and fight her asshole dad, or for you to go back upstairs and hold her hand and protect her from all of the really scary things she’s feeling right now?”

Toni faltered, both from Jaime’s words and the feelings of her hands massaging her fist to help relax it. 

“I just… I’m tired of people hurting her,” Toni whispered, her voice cracking as she finally opened her fist and allowed her mom to hold her hand. “I don’t want her to get taken from me, mom.”

“Mama and I will figure it out. We will do whatever possible to keep Shelby safe. But you need to be there for her right now. She needs people to love her more than anything else in this moment.”

It took a beat; just a few seconds for Toni to think and process before all the tension left her body and she nodded slowly.

“Okay,” she agreed as she sucked in a deep breath. “Okay.”

“Good. Okay. Let’s go back then,” Jaime said as she turned and started to gently lead Toni back to the apartment.

Toni froze however and pulled her mom’s hand, gaining her attention once more.

“What’s wrong, love?” Jaime asked, reaching to tuck a piece of hair behind Toni’s ear. 

“Thank you for being my mom.”

Those words, having been repeated many of times since Toni’s adoption, always managed to choke Jaime up a bit. There was always an underlying piece of gratitude in those thanks. 

Thank you for being my mom.

For choosing me.

For caring for me.

For understanding me.

For protecting me.

But tonight, Jaime knew this thanks meant something different. 

It was, _thank you for being my mom and loving me as I am._

Because Shelby’s parents loved her, but not every part of her. But Jaime and Dani loved Toni. Wholeheartedly, unconditionally. And Jaime knew that Toni wanted to show her gratitude for that.

“I love you,” Jaime only said in response as she pulled her daughter into a warm embrace. “Don’t you ever forget that, alright?”

Toni nodded against her mom’s neck and hugged back a bit tighter. 

xiii.

Shelby tried to calm down as Dani sat her on the edge of the tub. No use crying over what was already done. She was safe for now, and she should embrace that since the future was looking very uncertain for her right now.

But Shelby was never good at controlling her tears. She was good at stopping them before they started. She was good at biting back the need to release them. But once they started, it was like they would never stop. It was like she was crying all the tears that she stopped herself from crying before. 

They were silent though. Dribbling slowly from her eyes, down her cheeks, and onto her lap as she watched Dani reach for a first aid kit under the sink and take a seat on a small step stool they kept next to the tub.

Shelby once made a joke that everyone in the house was under 5’3 and unable to reach the top shelf in every room, which is why the kept the step stool handy. Jaime had threatened to secretly give Shelby poison ivy as a gift – but it was a joke. This family was always joking.

But things weren’t funny right now. No, they were dark and scary and a little too much for Shelby to handle on her own. So, when Dani started to wipe the blood from her lip, Shelby cried a bit harder. Not from the pain, but from the sheer gratitude that she didn’t have to carry the world on her own anymore. Somebody was here to help her now.

“I’m sorry,” Shelby whimpered as she tried to regain some control over her tears.

“Don’t. Not with me, Shelby. I want to help you, okay?” Dani said, her voice still so soft and loving. Shelby briefly wondered if her own mom ever spoke to her like that. 

“I can’t go back home,” Shelby said next, making Dani pause her ministrations.

“We’ll figure it out, alright? One day at a time.”

But Shelby didn’t know if she could think that way. Even thinking about tomorrow was overwhelming, because tomorrow meant facing what happened today – and facing that meant realizing that her parents had been right about one thing.

“My dad was right,” Shelby mumbled out as Dani started pulling the cuff of her jeans up to see her knees. 

“About what, honey?” Dani asked as she tore open a new alcohol wipe.

Shelby didn’t flinch when it met her raw knees. Kneeling on rocks hurt more than the alcohol that was seeping into the residual wounds. She was still a bit shocked that her dad had used that punishment on her – it was penance he had said. It felt like abuse.

“I’m alone now,” Shelby whispered, answering Dani’s question. Yes, she knew she had Toni. She wasn’t _lonely._ But she had official destroyed the last bit of relationship that remained between her and her family. And by all senses of the word, Shelby was alone because the people who were supposed to love her as she was, didn’t. 

And it hurt. 

All of it hurt.

“You aren’t alone. Not while you’re here,” Dani promised as she stopped working on the girl’s knees and gently reached up to wipe the tears from her cheeks. “You still have us, alright?”

Shelby nodded; but she still couldn’t help but worry that this family wasn’t a permanent promise. There was no true tie holding them together. 

And that lack of uncertainty made a sick voice remind Shelby would eventually be alone.

xiv.

The next few days transpired slowly. Shelby didn’t want to leave the apartment for fear of her parents taking her away forever, and none of the Clayton-Taylor’s pushed her out for fear for the same result. 

For that weekend, the goal was to keep a low profile and keep Shelby hidden until a proper plan could be formulated. 

Eventually, after calls to friends for advice, Henry offered his best lawyer and suggested that Shelby go about getting herself emancipated.

Any other option left Shelby in the care of her parents again, or in the foster system. And neither were safe or even worth considering. 

So, Jaime and Dani helped her go through the necessary roads to get to emancipated, and a few weeks later Shelby found herself at the front door of her house with Jaime by her side and a stack of legal papers in her hand.

All she had to do was ask them to sign off. Once she had their signature she was free to live as an independent adult – or at least as an adult who lived with her girlfriend because that was the only place available to her at that point in time.

It was mid-day. Shelby knew her dad wouldn’t be home and she was hoping her mom would be easier to convince.

When the door opened, JoBeth looked startled, and then relieved, and then angry. So, very angry.

“How dare you show your face here again?!” JoBeth yelled as she reached for Shelby. 

Jaime was quick, though, and gently tugged the teen behind herself, effectively shielding the girl from any abuse.

"We're just here for you to sign off on Shelby getting emancipated. Nothing more," Jaime said evenly.

"Emancipated? And where would you go, huh? What makes you think that you would be better of?!"

“Let’s stop this now, JoBeth. You know very well that Shelby is no longer safe here. Not under the care of your husband," Jaime interrupted in an effort to stop the woman from screaming at the girl tucked behind her.

That seemed to silence the other woman once more. Shelby’s mom paused and looked between Jaime and her child.

Her child, who was still a bit bruised from the night of her husband’s explosion.

Shelby made sure to tell Dani and Jamie that her mom tried to stop him at points. That she looked almost worried for her safety. It did little to make the women see JoBeth differently, but it did help Jaime develop a plan of how to approach JoBeth with the papers. 

“And a conversion camp isn’t going to fix her or make her straight. It’s going to push her farther away from you. It’s going to destroy her and… she wouldn’t survive that. You know that as well as I do.”

And JoBeth did. Because she had seen the children of people in her old congregation go to those camps. She saw them come home all detached and despondent. And then weeks later she’d hear that they killed themselves. Or run away. But either way, those parents lost their children permanently. And still – _still_ – she knew that it was the only thing to do for her child who wasn’t straight.

“It’s what’s best for her,” JoBeth tried to argue.

“It’s not,” Shelby spoke up, her voice already betraying her and cracking as tears flooded her eyes.

Jaime, who still held her hand from when she pulled her back, gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“You can still fix this,” Jaime reminded the woman in front of her. “You can still mend-.”

“How? How can any of this be mended when my child insists on being a fag?!” JoBeth asked in exasperation.

Jaime had to bite her tongue from losing control. She needed to be the most levelheaded she’s ever been if she wanted to get Shelby that signature. 

“You’ve got a great kid. A _great_ kid. Don’t destroy her with this. Just let her go if you can, because at least then she gets to be free,” Jaime said, almost pleaded, as she reached back for the papers and extended them towards JoBeth. “We only need one signature. One signature and then Shelby can live the life she wants. And if you ever find it in your heart to love her again you can try to fix things.”

“I’ve never stopped loving her,” JoBeth said, eyeing the extended documents. “You know that, don’t you, Shelby? I never stopped loving you.”

“Then let me go. Please, mama,” Shelby begged as she stepped a bit closer. “I can be happy. Like really happy if you don’t try to change me.”

JoBeth, for all of her own brainwashing and refusal to let her children be their whole authentic selves, knew from the moment she held them in their arms for the first time that she would never truly fail as a parent so long as her kids were happy. And this… this sacrifice might give her that chance to at least know she did right by her child. 

So, she signed the papers. She signed them because she knew that Dave wasn’t actively going to chase Shelby and bring her home, and because she knew that maybe Jaime was right about one thing: if Shelby ever did return to them, they would only destroy her more until they lost her completely.

And JoBeth still had some humanity left in her to know that she didn’t want that for her kid.

“Do you at least have a place to stay?” JoBeth asked in a final attempt to be a decent parent.

“She’s with us. We’ll keep her safe," Jaime promised.

Shelby knew that she could trust that. 

xv.

Life after being emancipated was far more free and exciting. Shelby could be with Toni anywhere and everywhere without the fear of her parents finding out. And she was no longer tied to the good Christian girl façade she had to maintain before. 

Shelby fell easily and perfectly into Toni’s group of friends, and for once she was happy with the people she surrounded herself with.

Living with the Clayton-Taylor’s was also wildly different from the Goodkind’s. In that small little corner of the world, Shelby knew she was safe and loved – and she slowly accepted that her family wasn’t strictly the people that were linked to her by blood, but were actually the people she choose to keep around her. 

And she loved her choices.

On Fridays, the group of eight started congregating at Toni and Shelby’s place. Sure, Fatin had the massive backyard with a pool; and maybe Rachel and Nora did have a crazy media room; but something about the Clayton-Taylor apartment felt a million times more comfortable for all of them.

So, eight teenage girls crammed themselves into the small living room and would watch movies and play games late into the night.

Dani and Jamie didn’t mind the extra company; nor did they really care about the mess that was left behind (mainly because Martha was a saint and liked to help clean up). They accepted that they were the place the girls wanted to be and were grateful that they made themselves those beacons of safety that they could all go towards in times of need.

When Fatin felt helpless after catching her father’s affair, Dani and Jamie invited her to stay for as long as she needed; which ended up being a week before her parents called her back home.

When Dot’s dad died and she went into the system, Jaime gave her a key to the apartment. It was an invitation for the girl to come to them if she ever felt unsafe in a home. Thankfully, she only ever had to use it once, but even in good foster homes Dot found herself at the Clayton-Taylor’s more often than not. 

When Leah went into her dark depressive states – ones that made her resent her parents and put herself in danger – Dani and Jamie started to encourage her to come to them. And they were the ones who always knew how to pull her from those states. 

Rachel sought comfort there after she had to stop diving. 

Nora went to them for advice when Rachel stopped talking to her.

And Martha spent a few days when she tried to sort out what to say at her former doctor’s trial.

Jaime eventually labeled their apartment as the shelter for teens and abandoned plants, something that Dani swatted a hand at her for but chuckled about nonetheless because in some ways it was true.

They were the place for all the girls to go to if they didn’t feel safe. And that was something to feel good about.

xvi.

At the start of their relationship, Shelby hesitated a lot. She was always looking over her shoulder and double-checking that they wouldn’t get caught.

But Shelby didn’t hesitate anymore. When walking down the hallways at school, she would grab Toni’s hand; and when her Toni’s team won their games, she would always hurry excitedly onto the court to give her girl the kiss she deserved. 

Everything felt easy now. Easy and good and free and Shelby realized that she no longer felt the need to keep secrets.

Like flood gates, her world re-opened and she let everyone see all parts of herself once again. She had nothing left to hide; no secrets left to harbour. 

So, when Shelby found herself looking at Toni and feeling nothing but love, she knew it wasn’t worth keeping to herself. 

“What do you keep staring at,” Toni asked as she puffed out a laugh and nudged Shelby with her toes. They were sitting in the car – their car dates still very much alive – and Toni had turned in the front seat and set her legs over Shelby’s lap as they worked through their orders of fries and shakes.

“You are just really beautiful,” Shelby said, making Toni blush quickly. She loved making her do that. 

“You’re one to talk.” 

“No, I’m serious,” Shelby said quickly, making her girlfriend blush a bit more. “You’re beautiful and incredible and I love you.” 

She said the words quickly, and in one breath, but she still meant them all the same.

And Toni, ever the one to let her take the lead and take things at her pace, seemed to falter at what was just said. Not because she didn’t return the sentiment, but because she didn’t expect it to come as quickly for Shelby.

But it was almost a year into their relationship. So, it wasn’t really all that fast. But all the same, it felt like they had just met yesterday. 

“You do?” Toni had whispered the question as she pulled her legs back and set the fries she held into the cupholder. 

“Yeah, Toni. I do. I love you.”

And, more than making Toni blush, Shelby loved making her smile the way she was now. Wide and unapologetically happy. A smile that was saved for only the people that Toni loved.

“Well, that’s a relief,” Toni tried to coolly play off as she started to lean over the centre console.

“Is it now?” Shelby played along as Toni smoothly slid over the one thing dividing them and settled on her lap. Their faces were so close yet entirely too far. 

“Mm-hm,” Toni hummed as she rubbed her forehead against Shelby’s and allowed their mouths to hover over one another’s. “It’s a good thing, though,” Toni mumbled, gently letting her bottom lip skim over Shelby’s top one.

“Why’s that?” Shelby whispered the question as she set her hands on Toni’s waist.

“Because I love you too,” Toni replied, making Shelby giggle softly.

“You do?” Shelby asked, taking the words of her girlfriend from before.

“I do,” Toni affirmed.

“Good,” Shelby stated before finally taking control and using one of her hands to pull Toni in for a long-awaited kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This turned out wayyyyy longer than I expected, but you all wanted more Shelby so here you are! An extra long chapter dedicated just to our girl. 
> 
> Please excuse any legal mistakes I made regarding her emancipation; I really needed to find a way to get rid of Dave and JoBeth permanently and this was the only legal way I could think of doing it. 
> 
> Two more chapters until the big one. So many of you have such interesting guesses. Some are bit closer to what I've been writing than others. Let's see if any more of you want to take a crack at what I'm brewing on my end. Drop any guesses in the comments.
> 
> Thank you for all the love. Seeing your comments and receiving those kudos throughout the week never fail to lift my spirits. I absolutely love writing and I love pouring myself into everything I put down; it means the world to me that I can give those bits of myself away and have them received and cherished by people as incredible as yourselves. 
> 
> I'll be doing a chapter based on a single moment in time in the next update. So it'll be a bit different from what I've been giving you lately, and a heck of a lot shorter. But it'll be just as good, I promise. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	8. the one where toni gets sick

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of the times that Toni tried to hide being the sick, and the first time she learned that she didn't have to.

i.

The first time that Toni ever got sick, she was three months old. 

Three months, ten pounds, and angrier than her mother had ever seen her before, Toni screamed her little lungs out through the whole night. And she cried through the second and third night just as hard.

It wasn’t until a well intentioned neighbour came knocking that tiny Toni got the relief she was desperately seeking. 

In the embrace of a woman that wasn’t her mother, Toni continued to wail until the water finished boiling and it was safely set onto the kitchen table. And the tears, the loud, angry tears, finally stopped when her neighbour draped her over her arm, extended her out over the pot, and allowed the steam to wrap around Toni’s face and clear her overly congested sinuses. 

Then, only then, did Toni calm down. 

“I’m in over my head,” her mother had cried to her neighbour.

But that kind neighbour didn’t agree. As she patiently continued to rub Toni’s back, she looked at the young mother and said, “You’re doing just fine. Don’t give up on yourself yet.”

ii.

When Toni was four, she caught a cold at school. She had plenty of colds between her first one and now, but something was different about this cold. Something was wrong.

At least, it started to seem wrong when Toni coughed her way through math and English and had to be sent home because she was disrupting the class too much.

Her mom wasn’t happy about leaving work; she said a cold wasn’t worth her time. But Toni could hardly respond as she was too busy hacking up a lung in the back seat.

“Stop being so dramatic,” her mother barked when the coughing became too annoying for her to stand.

So Toni swallowed her coughs. Or tried her best to. She fought back each and every tickle that hit her throat for as long as she could.

But then, when they were only two minutes away from home, a strong tickle hit her right at her gag reflex.

Unable to control it, Toni spewed forward and released her lunch onto the floor of her mom’s old car.

Her mother wasn’t happy about the vomit, nor was she too concerned about Toni being sick.

Her only concern was, “How am I supposed to clean this up, Toni!?” 

“I don’t feel good,” Toni just cried in response.

“It’s just a cold!” 

_It’s just a cold_ , Toni reminded herself as she got sick three more times that day and had to sit by the toilet by herself.

 _It’s just a cold_ , she reminded herself when her mom sent her to school the next day.

 _It’s just a cold._ And maybe it was, since Toni got better two days later. But it was the last cold she ever let people see. 

Because when she’s sick, it’s just a cold, and it wasn’t something worth being a baby about.

iii.

When Toni was ten she caught whatever nasty bug her foster brother brought home from school. 

As she always did, Toni kept her symptoms a secret for as long as possible. She stuffed her nose with tissue to keep it from dripping, and she choked back litres of hot water in an effort to keep her throat from giving out and giving away her secret.

But the fever was a hard thing to hide. She started shivering rather harshly two days after her nose started running. And the sweat that followed penetrated all her clothes, which made it impossible to hide.

Her fifth grade teacher, Miss Perry, caught on first. She was a kind woman, probably Toni’s favourite teacher if she thought back on it, and she was constantly looking out for her students.

So, when she noticed the small Toni hunched over at her desk, shivering something fierce and clutching to her middle, she knew something was wrong.

She also knew that Toni’s living situation wasn’t always the best. She had been her teacher long enough to see Toni move between two families. This was a third placement, and Toni hadn’t said much about them.

But Toni’s silence was usually the biggest indicator that things weren’t okay. She wasn’t one to express her troubles, and Miss Perry knew that.

So when she saw the girl zone out during their history lesson, she decided to let it slide until she could dismiss the class for lunch. 

It was then that she approached a slow moving Toni and told her to sit back down.

“You’re sick, aren’t you?” Miss Perry asked gently as she held the back of her hand to Toni’s forehead.

“No,” Toni tried to lie. But her ashen skin was boiling. Miss Perry caught her right in her attempt to lie. 

“C’mon,” the young teacher urged as she grabbed Toni’s books from her desk and went over to the closet where her kids stored their backpacks.

“I don’t want to go home,” Toni rasped out as she followed her teacher and watched her load her books into her bag. 

“I know. I’m setting you up in the teachers lounge until home time,” Miss Perry reassured as she set a comforting hand between Toni’s shoulder blades and softly urged her out of the classroom.

Toni didn’t say anything as she was walked to the teachers lounge. Nor did she speak up when they entered and the other teachers asked what trouble she got herself into this time.

“She’s sick,” Miss Perry excused as she walked Toni towards the far end of the room where a couch sat unoccupied.

No one argued as Miss Perry situated Toni, draped an itchy wool blanket over her, and left her with the promise that she could sleep until 3pm rolled around.

Toni wasn’t sure why she didn’t argue, but Miss Perry was never cruel to her, so she allowed herself to believe it was okay and shut her heavy eyes for some much needed sleep.

It was as she tried to drift off that she heard Miss Perry speak in a hushed voice to the other teachers.

“Why aren’t you calling her parents?” Someone asked. Toni had the same question. 

“It’s a new placement. I don’t think they’re good to her,” Miss Perry replied as quietly as possible.

But Toni heard. And she wondered how her teacher knew that.

She also wondered what it would be like to always be taken care of when she didn’t feel good.

Was it always this soft? Would it always make her heart ache?

iv.

Toni wasn’t good at many things, but she sure as hell was good at basketball. At first it started as a tool to get her school counsellor off her back - he said she needed to release some of her pent up energy (which often came out in anger) in a healthier way. So she picked up basketball in middle school as a way to end his nagging. But since then it became a vice for her. 

A thing that she was good at and that no one could take from her since most schools had a team. 

In her last year of middle school she found herself apart of a new team. They were pretty shit performance wise, that is until Toni Shalifoe rolled in and saved their reputation.

She was the best they had, which meant she had to constantly bring her all to every game. They were on their road to nationals, after all. Her team was counting on her.

So, Toni went to every practice. She went to every game. She showed up and she stood out. People in the small town that her new foster family lived in started to know her.

And for once, it felt good to be looked at.

At least, it did until Toni woke up the day of their big game and realized that shitty feeling she fell asleep with didn’t go away.

Her foster mom, a rather pleasant woman who seemed to be one of the first to care, tried to convince Toni to stay home that day. 

“I have my game, though!” Toni argued as she stood in the middle of the kitchen and crossed her arms.

“What’s going on?” Her foster dad asked as he entered the space. His presence made Toni bristle. She didn’t like him; she wasn’t sure why yet, but everything about him was off.

“She’s sick but insists on going to school,” her foster mom explained as she hoisted Toni’s two year old foster sister onto her hip. 

“Don’t be silly,” the man laughed as he ruffled Toni’s hair. She pulled away quickly from his touch. He only laughed some more. “If you’re sick, you stay home. Hansen family rules.”

“But my game,” Toni insisted.

“It’s just basketball, Toni. It doesn’t matter,” her foster mom tried to ease. 

It didn’t work, however. Because yes, she was sick, but all that mattered was her basketball game.

Sure, looking back on it, Toni would realize that she was only twelve and that middle school basketball wasn’t _that_ big of a deal.

But to twelve-year-old Toni it mattered. Basketball mattered because it was consistent and it was good and it was there.

It was always there for her when no one else was.

So, Toni fought back. She fought and she fought until her foster mom, exasperated but still kind, let her go.

And it was probably all that fighting that drained her of what little energy she had. But still, Toni pushed through the day until her game arrived.

She thought she could play through the whole game. She thought she could win it all. 

But she was exhausted; and achey; and a fever had taken her midday. 

When Toni went to make a layup her body finally gave way. It was too tired; too dehydrated; too sick to keep going.

She passed out as soon as her feet hit the ground.

She woke up in a room at the ER an hour later. Her foster mom was talking to her social worker near by.

“Did we win?” Toni asked the question through a hoarse, dry throat.

“No,” her social worker said with a kind smile.

Toni wanted to cry. She wasn’t entirely sure why, but it seemed like the only thing she had left to do.

“Chin up, kid. It was just one game,” her social worker said as he patted her shin.

But to Toni it was more than that. It would always be more than that.

v.

Toni was a late bloomer. At least, that’s what her thirteenth foster mom said when she learned that the thirteen, soon to be fourteen, year-old girl hadn’t had her first period yet.

“It’ll happen eventually,” she said, and left it at that.

Toni realized, then and there, that she didn’t know what would happen eventually. Sure, she had a small grasp of what a period was. She would bleed once a month for a week until she was too old to menstruate. It was the straight forward explanation that her bio teacher gave when she had to give the sex-Ed talk to the eight grade girls.

That fucking school was a joke, Toni knew that, which is why she shouldn’t have believed that her period meant she would only bleed once a month for a week. 

She should’ve known it would run deeper. 

But Toni wasn’t all for talking about her body or anything that happens to it.

So, when she woke up one morning to a pain ripping through her middle, Toni briefly wondered if there was something deeply wrong with her that required adult intervention.

She didn’t trust people, though, especially not with her health, so Toni decided that the stomach ache was just that. A stomach ache that would pass as soon as she ate something or used the toilet. 

But that awful ripping and clenching pain didn’t leave her after either instance. For the whole day, Toni walked around trying to pretend like her insides weren’t trying to claw their way out. 

And if that weren’t enough, a headache crept up on her in the middle of the day and rendered practically useless. On the bus ride back to her foster home, Toni wondered if she was dying. 

She wondered if death in movies was a false depiction and it wasn’t just a gunshot wound or old age that stole people’s lives, but also abdominal tearing with a side of brain squeezing. 

Even then, the thought of death didn’t scare Toni into asking her foster parents for help. No, if she was dying, she was going to go in peace. So, she kept her suffering a secret.

It wasn’t until later in the day, when she went pee, that she wiped and noticed the blood stain left over on the toilet paper. 

She didn’t know a lot about periods, but she was reasonable enough to recognize that her stomach and headache were likely linked to her first period. 

“Why the fuck didn’t she tell us this in sex-Ed?” Toni grumbled as she folded some toilet paper into a makeshift pad. Something to keep her protected long enough to go buy some real ones herself. 

After that, every ache of her stomach left Toni cursing out her bio teacher for not better preparing her for the harsh realities of her _“beautiful woman hood.”_

Nothing beautiful about your uterus trying to eat its way out of you, but hey, at least she wasn’t dying.

vi.

Those cramps and headaches never stopped. Toni got a gnarly bout of either or both during each cycle. But she had gotten very good at managing those painful symptoms herself.

When she got a job, she was able to buy herself pads and tampons - sure they were the no-name brand and weren’t as absorbent, but they were better than toilet paper.

And she was also able to buy herself pain killers. Bottles of off-brand Tylenol that she took religiously on her worst days.

For the most part, she was pretty good at making it seem like her periods didn’t faze her. When she first arrived at Dani and Jamie’s she kept her pain to herself.

But then she ran out of her pain killers. And she didn’t realize that she ran out until she was dry heaving into the toilet at 5am due to the sudden headache that hit her. She did know that it was her time of the month, though.

Which meant she also knew that her dry heaving and headache were only the start of it. It was only going to get worse unless she loaded herself up with some pain meds.

She searched the bathroom, since it seemed like the most obvious place for someone to keep their medication. But low and behold, it seemed like Dani and Jaime read those foster kid pamphlets that suggested to keep any harmful substances out of reach of kids.

Toni didn’t realize how long she had occupied the washroom, nor did she realize that the noise of her occasional retching travelled, because at one point a knock arrived at the door and startled her.

“Toni?” The sleepy voice of Dani came through the door. “Are you alright?”

Toni swallowed her remaining nausea and forced herself to open the door. She clicked the lights off quickly in hopes of covering up her, likely, sickly looking face.

But Dani was good - too good. She knew something was wrong the moment that she heard frantic feet running in the hall and the bathroom door shutting a few minutes earlier.

“I’m fine,” Toni said, her voice more hoarse than she wanted it to sound. She cleared it as Dani tried to scrutinize her in the still dark hallway.

Dani knew that was a lie. She could see the sway in Toni as she clutched to the bathroom doorframe. But she knew not to push. Not yet.

So, she let Toni go back to bed. 

And Toni managed to sleep a few more hours; more than she intended. It was 9am when she stirred, feeling a bit worse than before.

She cursed when she remembered school but faltered when she saw a note, a bottle of Tylenol (not the off-brand kind) and a glass of water set by her nightstand.

As she greedily reached for the much needed pain killers, Toni read the note that was distinctly written in Jaime’s scrawl.

_Heard you had a rough night. Dani called the school to tell them you’re sick. We’re at the shop but you can call us back if you need us._

_Try to eat something, drink as much water as you can, and get lots of sleep._

_See you later <3_

It amazed Toni that even without having to say anything, Dani and Jaime knew. They just knew that she wasn’t 100%.

And they cared.

vii.

Toni got along well with her moms. Better now that she was on the road to being adopted and could rely on the security that came with their endless love.

She found it easier to come to them with her health, mental and physical, which was a feat for the girl who was once so closed off from everyone.

But now and again, Toni kept her secrets. Not for the fear of trouble or for a lack of trust, but because she knew her moms well enough and she knew that whatever response they had would keep her from what she wanted.

And right now, Toni wanted to destroy the basketball team from the next town over. They were some of their biggest competition, and a good portion of the team always had shit to say about Toni who had recently claimed the Captain’s spot on her team.

She was not about to lose to a bunch of assholes who decided that her home life was a vulnerability that they could pick at to make her falter mid-game.

Had it been any other team, Toni might’ve gone to Dani or Jamie when she woke up with a stomach ache. She didn’t have her period, but she was pretty sure that the chicken nuggets she ate at school were the culprit. She had an eating contest with Martha and ended up eating 39 nuggets. Midway through the challenge, Toni knew that she would regret her choices - a yet she never actually stopped until Martha relented and let her have the win.

39 nuggets later, she did. Toni woke up with the gnarliest stomach ache ever. But she couldn’t afford to tell anyone because then her moms - who were sometimes _mom-ed_ her too much - would keep her home and make her miss her basketball game.

So, Toni kept it a secret. And she surprised herself with how well she was doing. Even her moms, who could read her like a book, weren’t able to pick up on her discomfort.

She had managed most of the day; even got to lunch and briefly wondered if the worst of her sickness had passed. But then she walked into the cafeteria and she knew - _she just knew_ \- that whatever she was suppressing was going to make it’s reappearance.

Scrambling from her friends and leaving them dumbfounded, Toni barrelled into the nearest restroom and reached a toilet in time to spew what was likely 39 under-cooked chicken nuggets and the spaghetti that Dani made them for dinner last night. 

Toni gripped the toilet bowl and briefly ignored how many people came in contact with it for the very sake of focusing on keeping her own head from falling into the bowl. She felt like shit, and throwing up seemed to do the opposite of make her feel better.

She felt dramatically worse, and based on the curling her stomach did, Toni knew she was in for a long ride.

“I knew you were going to regret those nuggets,” Dot’s voice arrived behind her.

“Don’t fucking start, Dorothy,” Toni groaned before she heaved forward some more.

“Do you want to call mama Dani or should I?” Toni heard Fatin ask some ways behind them. Her voice was nasally; Toni bet it was from her attempt to plug her nose to fight back the smell.

“Don’t call them!” Toni pleaded as she shakily accepted a wad of toilet paper that Dot handed her way.

“Why not?” Rachel asked as she poked her head into the stall.

“Cause my game,” Toni explained as she spat into the toilet to try to rid herself of the taste in her mouth.

“Respect,” Rachel mumbled as she stepped back.

“Don’t be stupid,” Leah berated.

Toni got to her feet with the help of Dot and stepped back from the stall to see her friends gathered around the sinks.

“She’s not being stupid,” Nora tried to defend. “She’s just stubborn.”

“Thanks, Nora,” Toni grumbled as she went to the sink that Fatin sat by and ran the water so she could clean her face.

“You’ve got chunk in your hair, babe,” Fatin said as she continued to plug her nose.

Toni could only manage to flip her off as she allowed the cool water to wash over her face.

“Seriously, though. Who’s making the call? Because we all know Jamie would have our heads on a platter if we didn’t tell her about this,” Fatin said as she wagged her phone around.

“Nope. None of you are calling,” Toni argued.

“Toni-.”

“No, Dot. No calling my moms. I’m fine now.”

The group had to take her word for it. They shouldn’t have. But they did.

And Toni almost got away with her lie. Until her next period. She had History with Martha. And while typically a class like this wouldn’t elicit a reaction from her, her teacher decided today was a good day to give a lesson on the plague.

The fucking plague where people’s skin developed boils, which her teacher so kindly decided to show images of on the projector.

Toni couldn’t make it to the bathroom this time, but she did make it to the trash bin at the corner of the room where she promptly brought up what little food remained in her stomach. 

Some of the other students made a show of it; they threw themselves to the farthest corner of the room and acted like Toni was a spewing volcano. Other students laughed at the tough girls weak stomach.

Martha kindly ran to her side to hold back her hair, which was basically a lost cause now as she had hit it once again with her own sick.

Her teacher spoke loudly to get the class under control before he dialled something on the room phone.

“Hi, Paula. Yeah, I’m sending you Toni Shalifoe. She’s sick and needs to be sent home. Mind calling a parent for her? Thanks.”

When he hung up he approached Toni and Martha and extended a tissue to the sick girl.

“Head down to the office when you feel like you can. You can take the bin with you. One of your moms will get you soon.”

“C’mon, Mr. Brenner. I have a game later,” Toni argued as she finally stood upright and wiped her face with the tissue.

“That’s for you to work out with a parent. Martha can you help her get to the office?”

Martha dutifully nodded and scurried off to grab Toni’s bag before she returned to the girl and hooked her arm securely around her waist.

The silently made their way through the halls, Toni thankfully keeping her nausea in check despite having her history class bin clutched desperately in her arms.

“How the fuck are you not sick?” Toni asked when she realized that Martha also gorged herself in chicken nuggets yesterday.

“I didn’t eat as many as you,” Martha said, which only made Toni glare.

“I didn’t eat that many.”

“39, Toni. 39.”

Which is the same number that Martha relayed to Jaime when the woman arrived to pick Toni up.

“39 undercooked chicken nuggets?!” Jaime asked in astonishment before she turned to the principal. “How on earth are you serving kids undercooked food?” 

“We’re dealing with the kitchen situation. Toni isn’t apparently the only student to have gotten food poisoning. Anyone who went for seconds yesterday were fed the undercooked batch that the kitchen staff tried to make last minute.”

Jaime sighed and knelt in front of her kid who was sat on the edge of the couch with her head between her knees and the trash bin tucked safely below her.

“How’re you feeling, love?”

“Fine,” Toni lied; though her voice falter when she felt a soft hand run over her scalp. Fuck, why were mom touches always so loving? If it weren’t for her stupid game, Toni might’ve caved and let her mom know how she truly felt.

“I highly doubt that, but let’s talk about it at home, yeah?”

Toni knew not to argue. Not here at least. So she allowed her mom to take her home. 

She didn’t expect to see Dani there with her bed already made up, nor did she expect her to pull a fresh pair of pyjamas from the dryer so she had something warm to change into.

For the briefest moment, Toni allowed her moms to dote on her. She showered and changed into the offered clothes, brushed her teeth, and swallowed some medicine and water.

It was when Dani gently encouraged her to climb into her bed that Toni started to protest.

“I can’t sleep.”

“Why not?” Jaime asked worriedly from her place by the dresser.

“Because I might sleep through my game. I can’t miss it!” 

“Let’s calm down a minute,” Dani urged as she noticed Toni sway. “You can’t play basketball in this condition, sweet girl.”

“I can!” Toni yelled. Why was she yelling? Her moms were being reasonable.

But she was sick, and irritable, and adamant on getting her way. So yelling felt like the only option. 

“You can drop the attitude,” Jaime said as she went to grab the bucket that Dani had designated as the sick bucket. She was also seeming to pick up on Toni’s sway and now ashen looking skin.

“I just want to play my game!” Toni continued to fight. She swallowed thickly when she felt the medicine and water from a few minutes ago climb up her throat.

“Let’s sit down,” Dani tried to urge.

“You’re not going to that game. End of discussion,” Jaime said at the same time.

“This isn’t fair!” 

“You’re sick, Toni. When are you going to start prioritizing your health? When will your silly feuds take the back burner?” Jaime asked, knowing very well that this game wasn’t all that important save for the fact that Toni had a petty riff going with some of the other team members.

“It’s not silly!” Toni argued.

“It is if you’re willing to play in this condition. Look at you, you can hardly stand!”

Toni went to yell more; went to fight Jaime on the fact that her game meant something to her when she felt something else come up.

Moving quickly, Dani snatched the bowl from her wife and stuck it under Toni’s face just in time for the teen to vomit up the medicine from earlier.

“Have you kept anything down?” Dani asked worriedly as she gently pushed Toni to sit on the edge of her bed. 

Toni glanced up at her moms, both of whom looked more worried than annoyed or angry. She should cave now. Let them take care of her.

But Toni could be too stubborn. Far too stubborn for her own good.

“I’m fine,” she said as she pushed the bucket away and reached for a tissue from the box on her nightstand.

“Toni-,” Jaime started, seemingly ready for round two.

“No more,” Dani lightly said as she shook her head at her wife. “I’m going to clean this. And you’re going to sleep. End of discussion,” Dani said directly to Toni.

Dani’s authority was different than anything Toni had seen before. Dani was always so soft, but the second she put on that firm voice she knew it would be futile fight. Authoritative Dani wasn’t one open for discussion, so Toni knew fighting now would only be wasting her breath.

Instead, she nodded and laid on her bed with her back facing her moms. She wasn’t going to acknowledge them if they weren’t going to let her do what she wanted.

There was some quiet mumbling, then some movement. A blanket was draped over Toni but she tried not to care that they were still trying to look after her. 

Instead, she shut her eyes and tried to sleep, at least for a little while so then she could wake up and make it to her game.

Toni stirred three hours later; and while she still had plenty of time for her game she knew that trying to make it would be stupid because her stomach was practically on fire and she had a migraine that made every form of thinking impossible. 

Toni felt miserable. She felt miserable and gross and everything hurt. And maybe it was a lack of proper care as a child, but knowing she was safe with this family she couldn’t think of anything else to do other than cry.

She cried, and briefly wondered if her moms would still be mad from earlier and turn her away when she tried to receive comfort. The only way to know was to try, though, so the teen got on shaky legs and slowly shuffled her way out of her room.

The more she moved the more her stomach hurt, and the more her head spun. She felt like she was going to die.

She didn’t even realize that she had started crying harder, nor did she realize that she was making enough noise to get the attention of Dani and Jaime who were in the kitchen and living room respectively.

“Toni?” Dani’s voice called. The concern in her tone made Toni sob out.

“Mama,” Toni cried as she held to the wall in the hallway. Walking any further seemed impossible. 

Suddenly she heard the sound of two people running towards her, and then she felt hands on her arms, helping keep her upright. 

“Mama, I don’t feel good,” Toni cried pitifully as she started to sink down the wall.

“Woah, hold on to me,” Jaime urged as she hooked Toni’s arms around her neck. “C’mon, love.”

Toni grabbed to her mom and clung to her as she continued to cry.

“Can you carry her?” She heard Dani ask. Her mom’s head bobbed against her own and before Toni could process it she was being lifted off the ground. 

“I’m sorry,” Toni cried as she clung to her mom and hid her face in her neck.

“No need to apologize, love,” Jaime reassured as she set Toni down on what the teen quickly realized wasn’t her bed. This was her moms bed. “Just tell us what hurts.”

So Toni did. She caved and she cried to her moms about her stomachache and migraine. 

And when they tried to give her more water and meds and those came up a few minutes later, she didn’t fight when they got her in the car and drove her to the hospital.

For seven hours, the family of three sat in the ER and waited for the doctor to decide the best way to get Toni over her food poisoning. 

With how severe it was, and how hard it was for Toni to keep even water down, she decided that Toni would need to stay over night on fluids and antibiotics.

“It’s a good thing you brought her in,” the doctor expressed to Dani and Jaime after she situated Toni with the right medication. 

“Our stubborn girl here said it was nothing,” Jaime teased as she gave Toni’s hand a loving squeeze.

“Well, this goes to show that moms know best. Right, Toni?” The doctor asked the girl who could only nod slightly.

She was too content with the feeling of Dani’s hand combing through her hair. She didn’t even care that her mom and doctor were teasing her.

“If you need anything just hit that button,” the doctor said before she took her leave.

Now, laid in a hospital bed between her mom and mama, with medicine helping to rid her of her pain, Toni allowed herself to relent entirely.

“I was wrong,” she said, her voice croaky from all the vomiting and crying she did earlier.

“You sure were,” Jaime teased, earning a small laugh from Dani and a slight eye roll from Toni. “I’m sorry we fought, love. I was just worried about you.”

And there Jaime goes again, apologizing for things most parents wouldn’t. 

“I’m sorry too,” Toni replied as she briefly glanced at her mom. 

“We’ll both try to be better next time, yeah?” Jaime encouraged as she stroked a gentle hand over Toni's warm cheek.

Toni could only nod to that. 

Another thing she loved about these women: they never made promises they couldn’t keep. Her mom didn’t promise to never fight her again; just that they would try to do better in the future. It was comforting. It was exactly what Toni needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know in my last note I said this update would be small. But I really couldn't just write Toni being sick once; I had to get the whole backstory in there. Which is why I made this instead.
> 
> Next chapter might actually be short. Who knows. I might write another long one. 
> 
> And then after that, we've got the big chapter that I keep getting excited about. I'm actually kind of worried that I hyped it up so much and that it'll flop. But hey, I'm trying to manifest some early love, so maybe it'll pull through. I'm loving the guesses, though. Some of you have got quality assumptions
> 
> Thanks for the endless support. I seriously can't thank you enough for the kudos and comments. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	9. the one where toni chooses to not be alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***trigger warning: mentions of drug/alcohol abuse, police brutality, child abuse, mentions of rape***
> 
> Toni has spent a lot of her life alone.

i.

The first time Toni ever felt alone, she’d been three years old. 

Three years old and she already felt like she had the whole world on her shoulders because her mommy no longer wanted to tuck her in.

Her mommy, who used to give her nightly squeezes and kisses. Who looked under her bed for monsters and closed her closet door to keep the bad things away. Her mommy who squeezed her toes and poked her nose before saying, “I love my Toni girl,” and turning out the light.

Her mommy just stopped caring. And Toni was only three and she didn’t know why. She didn’t know that her mommy was sad and that the drugs made her feel whole. She didn’t know that the hugs no longer filled her up the way that the drinks did.

No, Toni only knew that one night her mommy wanted to tuck her in, and the next she didn’t.

So little Toni had to check under her bed herself and close her closet door on her own. She had to wiggle her toes and rub her nose. And she had to fall asleep wondering what it was that she did wrong. 

And for that first night, Toni felt lonely.

ii.

When Toni was six, her mommy took her driving at 2am. 

She has been sleeping before her mom, drunken and confused, entered her room loudly. 

“Pancakes!” Her mommy declared as she shook Toni awake. “Let’s get pancakes!”

And Toni was six, barely awake at the time, and her mommy wanted pancakes so she agreed. Pancakes at 2am sounded like fun anyways.

So, Toni ran to the car still dressed in her pyjamas. It was in freezing outside and the snow quickly made her toes cold in her slippers, but her mommy wanted pancakes! So she didn’t bother changing.

And then her mommy was driving. And at first it was fun because she went fast and swerved along the road. Toni giggled because her mommy giggled.

But then the lights started flashing red and blue from behind. And Toni was six, so she knew it wasn’t good. She knew that those lights meant police and that her mommy was doing something wrong.

“Mommy, you gotta pull over,” Toni insisted when her mom pressed down harder on the gas.

“Pancakes!” Her mommy argued.

The chase went on for 5 miles. And then finally, _finally_ , her mommy decided to stop. 

And Toni watched as the police approached the window. How they yelled at her mommy and tried to pull her through the car without even opening her door.

She knew they were too rough. They were too mean and too angry. 

And her mommy was yelling back. Fighting with all her might. But not for Toni. She just wanted her pancakes. 

And Toni, only six, watched as they dragged her away. She watched, and she cried, because she was still in the car and she was scared, and she was alone.

Toni didn’t want to be alone.

iii.

Toni’s social worker, Marlene, promised to be her friend. She sat across from little Toni, who was still confused and wondering when her mommy would pick her up, and tried to explain what came next.

“You’re going to go stay with a nice family. They’ll keep an eye on you until the court decides what to do with your mom next.”

Toni would eventually learn that “nice family” was an assumption Marlene made about all her fosters. She didn’t always know the secrets from within, so Toni was usually unprepared to encounter these people.

But that first time, she thought Marlene was being honest. She thought that the family she was brought to would be nice and give her the comfort she so desperately needed less than 24 hours after watching her mom get dragged away from her.

And while Marlene was there, they were nice. They smiled and held her hand and showed her around the house.

“You’re safe here,” they said. And Toni believed them. She believed them until the door shut closed behind Marlene and their smiles dropped and they told little Toni to stay out of their way.

Toni did stay out of their way; she just knew she had to. But that night as she tried to fall asleep in a bed that wasn’t her own, Toni couldn’t help but wonder what would happen if she asked them to tuck her in.

Would they actually do it? 

iv.

At nine, Toni learned to enjoy being alone. Families came and went; friends just the same. But she was consistently there and she could only ever count on herself. So being alone was Toni’s favourite state of being.

Her fourth grade teacher briefly worried that Toni’s isolation was detrimental to her social growth. So, she tried to encourage Toni to join in. She even made it a task for the girl. 

“Go play with one new group today,” her teacher would say as the kids shuffled out for recess. Toni would refuse until her teacher would offer more. “Play with a new group of kids and you can grab any snack from the snack bin.”

An incentive. Toni liked those. So she’d try to play with her peers. She even tried to play with upper and lower grade students. But each attempt was met with the same ending: Toni’s temper would get the best of her and those kids she was once playing with would exclude her from ever joining in again.

All the same, Toni got to pick a snack from the bin and her teacher tried to encourage the same attempted engagement the next day.

And Toni would play, then fight, then snack. And it was that very viscous cycle that reminded her just how much she preferred to be alone. But so long as her teacher kept the takis stocked in the snack bin, Toni would try to interact with her peers because sometimes snacks were more important than feelings.

v.

At thirteen, Toni learned that horrible people sometimes took the most pleasure in her company.

She would block her door and use her duvet as protection but still - _still_ \- the horrible people wanted in. 

They wanted Toni’s company when she least wanted their’s and she couldn’t ever figure out why. 

At thirteen, Toni craved total isolation. She craved loneliness. She craved... no people, just herself. But the world was cruel, at least to her, and she was often left wondering why she couldn’t ever get what she wanted.

vi.

When Toni was fourteen she stopped feeling alone. Regan, all kindness and joy, took her in when no one else would and Toni got a new family in the process.

Regan’s family were nothing short of welcoming. “This is your home as long as you need it,” Regan’s dad had said as he patted Toni’s back and invited her into their home.

“Make yourself comfortable,” Regan’s mom encouraged as she watched her child’s girlfriend stand as small as possible in the middle of her home. 

“Regan’s people are our people,” Regan’s grandma promised through a toothless grin.

And slowly, Toni started to accept that. She accepted their words as truths and inserted herself into the family that was never meant to be her’s.

She learned how to change a car tire with Regan’s dad. She took cooking lessons from Regan’s mom, because god knows she wouldn’t be able to survive off her orange Gatorade and takis diet alone. 

She sang songs with Regan’s grandma, not because she liked to sing but because the sweet old woman wanted someone to join her and make her feel less lonely as she sang her songs.

She even helped Regan’s little brother with his homework because she wanted him to have what she often didn’t when she was his age - someone to be there and to try.

And it was good. Toni knew it was good.

But she was like birch bark. One little match and she’d catch fire just like that. At least that’s what Regan said as she broke up with Toni.

Toni knew that Regan was right - she was an uncontrollable flame. Hot and angry and leaving nothing but destruction behind her. Which was why she wasn’t angry at Regan for dumping her. She deserved that.

But she was angry with herself. So fucking angry because she had something good - she had something stable and safe - and she fucked it up because she couldn’t walk away.

Never mind the fact that the creepy men in the parking lot were dangerous and could’ve hurt her or Regan. Never mind the fact that she was just trying to protect themselves and over swung. Never mind the fact that Toni would never intentionally hurt regan.

All that mattered now was the blood stain on Regan’s lip and the bruise that started blossoming there.

All that mattered now was that Toni caused Regan pain and she caused herself to lose good people. 

All that mattered now was the anger that coursed through her. Blooming from her chest, coursing through her veins, and pumping down to her hands which now swung and raised her backpack to smash against Regan’s rear window.

Never mind the consequences that would follow.

Toni just lost her family and she was angry. So fuck everything that came after. She would destroy, as she always did, because it was too hard for her to admit that she was afraid of being alone again.

vii.

At fifteen, when Toni started to like being alone once more, she met Jamie and Dani.

Jamie and Dani who were entirely incapable of being alone. They lived their lives side by side. Stuck at the hip and as one. At first Toni thought it was weird; no two people should like each other that much. But after some time she realized it wasn’t as weird as it was... amazing. 

Here these two people were; carrying their own ghosts and growing past their own traumas, and every day they chose each other. Every day they decided that the best person they could be was with the other around. And they were happy.

Happy together rather than apart, and Toni realized they would never be alone. No matter the argument, the meltdown, the fear, Jaime and Dani would always have each other. 

And, despite her efforts to not see it, they would always have Toni too. But accepting love was still hard for the teen. She didn’t want to go through the heartbreak of losing good people again, so she allowed them to be happily together while she continued to force herself to be alone. 

Little did she know, that stance wouldn’t last very long.

viii.

Toni had nightmares. Endless nightmares that covered all the horrible parts of her childhood. Her trauma always re-emerged at night. And despite her liking for being alone, it was in the midst of trying to work herself through those horrible memories that Toni wanted nothing more than someone to hold her.

She took matters into her own hands eight months into living with Dani and Jaime. They always came to her when she needed them, but at night they were never there because the doors and the walls suffocated her cries. 

But then the nightmares of when she was thirteen resurfaced. And they left Toni breathless.

Breathless and scared and... alone. Terribly alone.

It was when she felt like she was going to die that Toni stumbled towards her foster moms’ room. She barely knocked on the door before she tumbled in and choked through her breath as she looked at the sleeping lumps on the bed.

The lumps were no longer sleeping after the first knock, though, so they were up in an instant when they heard the cries.

Toni couldn’t form words then. She couldn’t tell them that she was scared and tired and alone. 

But they knew - _they always knew_ \- and it didn’t take much for Toni to realize that.

Jaime had gotten up slowly while Dani got the nightstand light on.

“Alright, Toni. It’s alright now,” Jaime tried to ease as she approached a shivering Toni who kept fighting the sobs that were trapped in her chest.

Jaime’s hands touched her shoulders and Toni felt relief. Slight relief that allowed for her wails to break free. 

“Come on to the bed,” Jaime encouraged as she used her gentle yet strong hands to guide Toni to Dani. 

And Toni followed. Because having one person comfortingly touch her was good, but she knew two would be even better.

And she was right.

“Easy now,” Dani had eased as she used her hands to hold Toni’s back to keep her sitting up. Lying down would make Toni’s breathing worse, but sitting on her own felt impossible. Dani’s stable hands and arms helped to keep her upright. “Arms up, yeah?”

Toni could do that. She could listen to the two people that were preventing her from being alone.

Feeling Dani’s chest against her back, Toni eased back a bit and raised her arms to her head so then the air could travel through her better.

Jaime remained in front of her, hands now holding her own as she did the exaggerated breaths that Toni had to match.

“You’re alright,” Dani soothed into her ear, her arms wrapped around Toni’s middle and chest. The pressure was helping slow her heartbeat which was threatening to pump out of her chest. 

It felt good, being completely encased. Wrapped up by Jaime and Dani and safe from the rest of the world.

All that mattered was them. And her breathing. And getting back whatever control she had stolen from her in her sleep.

“So good, love,” Jaime praised fifteen minutes into their long-winded attempt to get Toni to calm down. 

“You’re doing so well, sweet girl,” Dani encouraged twenty minutes in.

“Nice and slow,” Jaime reminded at twenty-five minutes.

“There we are,” Dani cooed when finally - after thirty minutes of sobbing and heavy breathing - Toni calmed down and went slack in her hold. “Good girl,” she added as she pressed a kiss to the side of Toni’s head. 

“Let’s get into bed,” Jaime encouraged as she took Toni’s arms and helped to guide them from their place atop her head. 

Toni almost panicked again then - not from the movement but from the thought of being alone.

But almost as if she knew, Dani kept her arms in place and gently pulled back slightly so then Toni was scooted towards the centre of the bed. “Under the covers,” Dani encouraged as she unwrapped Toni. 

Toni didn’t argue, not that she would have the energy to anyways, so she slid under the still warm duvet and watched Jaime settled to her right and Dani to her left. 

She watched them as the lights went out and the room returned to darkness. She watched them adjust and settle onto their sides so they were both facing her. 

“Do you want to talk about it?” Jaime asked into the darkness as she raised her hand to gently move some of Toni’s hair from her face.

“Not really,” Toni croaked out, her voice raw from the sheer strength of her earlier cries.

“That’s okay. We’re here if you do,” Dani promised as she took Jaime’s hand over the covers and took Toni’s hand under them.

Toni wouldn’t be ready to tell them for a few more weeks. Nightmares would plague her all the same and while she would occasionally battle them alone in the night she slowly started to realize that in the home of Jaime and Dani she didn’t have to.

She was never alone, even if she felt like she was, which is what led her to their room, to their bed, to their arms each time the nightmares became all consuming.

And some nights she’d keep the stories to herself. Other nights she’d say them out loud.

Whether it was from the comfort of having people hold her, or finally getting the terrible realities of her childhood off her chest, Toni eventually realized that the nightmares slowed. 

It was when they were at their least severe that Toni realized how much she missed the feeling of being held. So she would eventually make her way to Dani and jamies room in the middle of the night; not because a nightmare chased her there, but because with Dani and Jaime she never felt alone.

And Toni didn’t want to be alone anymore.

ix.

It had been a long time since Toni had bonded so deeply with people before. Even Regan’s family didn’t feel as all consuming as Dani and Jaime did. 

Toni realized very quickly that while her lack of loving parents made her initially very adverse to the love of others, it also made her latch on to people with all her being.

Once she realized that Dani and Jaime were her forever, Toni felt her soul adhere to their’s and just in the same way that she initially observed their inability to do anything apart, she felt herself struggle whenever they were away for too long. 

Her therapist would say that Toni was attaching to her moms the same way a baby did to a parent. It had been so long since anyone had properly cared for her that she didn’t know how to rationalize their time apart. Toni felt a nauseating need to know where her moms were at all times, and if she didn’t know it overwhelmed her.

Dani and Jaime took the separation anxiety in stride. They made themselves readily available to their kid while still establishing the healthy boundaries that her therapist suggested.

Toni was allowed to text them whenever she needed to check in and see where they were. This mainly happened at school, or when Toni wasn’t able to pop by The Leafling in the afternoon. 

And they responded right away each time. Until the one day they didn’t.

It had been pouring rain all day. And the power at the school went out which forced the admin to send all the kids home for the day. 

Toni would’ve gone to The Leafling; but it was closed to account for Dani and Jaime’s out of town wedding flower arrangement prep. They had promised Toni that they would be home before she was out of school, which was fine for Toni to rationalize until she didn’t have school to distract her.

Now, sitting in the apartment alone, Toni was left with nothing but her thoughts and concerns about where her moms could be. 

She was giving them until 3 to get back. 3pm and then she’d worry. But she started panicking prematurely when both her moms failed to receive her calls or texts. 

1pm came by and the rain kept pouring. It was around that time that Toni started creating horrible scenarios in her head.

2pm and she was nearly inconsolable. 

2:36 and her phone finally rang. It was Dani.

“Mama,” Toni whimpered as she scrambled to answer the call. 

_“What’s wrong? Are you hurt?”_ Dani asked, voice laced with nothing but concern and panic.

“Where were you?” Toni cried as she curled up on the couch and tucked her knees to her chest.

_“Mom and I were away from our phones for the set up. Baby, are you okay?”_ Dani repeated.

“I thought you were gone,” Toni said, which was almost explanation enough. No she was wasn’t okay, she was scared. And panicking. And alone.

_“Are you at school?”_ Dani asked next before she mumbled something to Jaime.

“The rain... power went out and they sent us home.”

_“So you’re home?”_ Dani clarified.

“Yeah but I didn’t know where you were-,”

_“I’m sorry, baby. Mom and I are sorry. We’re on our way home now, okay? Just take deep breaths for me.”_

“I thought you were gone,” Toni repeated as she cried a bit harder.

_“Never, sweet girl. We were just working, remember? We said we’d be home by 3, right? What time is it now?”_

Toni didn’t realize she was being distracted from her panic. She didn’t realize that Dani was tactful with her questions.

She had to look at her phone for the answer before she could deliver it.

“2:38” Toni eventually replied.

_“That’s right. We’ll be home right on time, just as promised.”_

It was that reminder that made Toni feel a bit silly. Her mama was right, they would be home at the time that they promised. Just because she couldn’t reach them didn’t mean they were lying.

But still, her fear of being alone made her blind to reality. So Toni continued to worry even as Dani spoke to her over the phone. She worried until her moms were in the apartment and coming towards her with nothing but kindness and love.

“We’re here now,” Jaime promised as she wiped her tears. “We're here.”

And maybe it was almost infantile of Toni to crave that reminder, but after years of her childhood were robbed from her, she deserved it. 

She deserved to have moms and to want them to comfort her. 

She deserved to remind herself that she wasn’t alone.

x.

The night before her adoption day had Toni feeling numb.

That whole day she’d been nothing but excited. She was getting adopted! She would never be alone again. 

But all the overwhelming joy slipped away as she tried to fall asleep that night. Not because she wasn’t happy or she wasn’t excited about finally getting to call Dani and Jaime her legal parents, but because she was scared.

She was scared to fall asleep and wake up back in one of the homes from her past. She was scared to allow herself to wake up from this dream that she desperately wanted to be her real life.

The universe was never this good to her; it was never this generous. She knew the other shoe would eventually drop. She knew that her adoption would not be handed over to her this easily.

So Toni couldn’t sleep. Because sleeping meant giving herself over to the reality that this beautiful, all consuming love that could’ve been hers was never meant to be. And that she’d wake up as a kid again. Small and scared. Angry and hateful. Desperate and alone.

Very, very alone.

Toni was good at coping now, though. Therapy and her moms helped her through a lot of those previous emotions, and she knew that her younger self would continue to suffer alone while her newer and better self would actively seek what she wanted the most.

And in that moment, Toni wanted her moms. She wanted them to hold her as she slept so then, if she did wake up alone, at least she had the memory of their arms around her.

So Toni did just that. She braved the dark apartment and shuffled towards her parents door which she knocked lightly on before walking in.

Dani and Jaime were sitting up watching a movie. It was 1am and they were watching a movie because...

“We knew you’d find your way here,” Jaime teased as she paused the film. 

Toni smiled and took Dani’s raising of the duvet as her invitation into the bed.

It took them a minute to settle. Toni laid the same way she always did between her moms. With her back to Dani so then her mama could scratch her back and with her front to Jaime so then her mom could draw her fingers over her face.

The rhythmic scratching and face brushing almost lulled Toni to sleep right away. But she couldn’t let herself drift off that fast. Not yet. Not until she could fully take it all in.

“Are you excited about tomorrow?” Dani asked into the now darkness that consumed the room since Jaime shut off the tv. 

The silence hung a bit too long. Toni didn’t know what to say.

“Nervous?” Jaime suggested, making Toni nod slightly. “Why, love?” 

“I don’t...” Toni swallowed thickly and she forced back the tears that tried to come up. “I don’t want to wake up and realize I was dreaming.”

“What makes you think you’re dreaming?” Dani asked as her scratching briefly stopped. 

“I’m not this lucky,” Toni replied. “You two are the first good things to happen to me in a long time.”

“And you don’t deserve some good?” Jaime asked, which made Toni shrug.

“Not this much.”

“Y’know,” Jaime started after some thought. “You and me are a lot a like. We think that the bad follows us because we deserve it, but I’m gonna let you in on a little secret.”

Toni shuffled a bit closer.

“We deserve all the good that comes to us. In fact I reckon we earned it. You deserve nothing but the best, Toni Shalifoe Clayton-Taylor. Nothing but the best.”

“Agreed,” Dani hummed as she hugged Toni close from behind. “I know you might not believe it, but you’re going to wake up tomorrow in this bed, between your mom and I, and we’re going to go down to that court house and we’re going to make our name your's. The three of us were always meant to be.” 

“You promise?” Toni whispered as she melted back into the arms of her mama and allowed her eyes to close from the feeling of her mom stroking the bridge of her nose.

“With everything we have, sweet girl.”

“With everything we have,” Jaime affirmed.

Toni fell asleep that night feeling their love.

And she woke up the next morning, the day she would officially become a Clayton-Taylor, and she felt nothing but relief. Because she was still in their arms. 

And she was still in their home.

And just like their promises the night before, Toni would never feel loneliness ever again. 

It was a promise her moms would continue to make to her for eternity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Opp guys I'm sorry this came out so late! I meant to post it last weekend but then I got side tracked with school work. Totally my bad. 
> 
> To make up for it, though, I will be releasing the big ol' chapter 10 (and maybe 11) this weekend! It's really shaped up to be angsty as all heck. 
> 
> Thanks for patiently waiting for this update! I will try to not leave you hanging like that again. 
> 
> As always, thank you for the love and support. If you have any ideas you'd like to see on here, please let me know in the comments! 
> 
> See you in the next update (so like Sunday night ;))!
> 
> Val


	10. the one where the unsinkable eight survive pt.1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The girls go to Hawaii. Or... at least they try to. 
> 
> Dani and Jaime try to cope. 
> 
> Side note: I shifted a few things around; tried to keep some important moments. Some of the dialogue obviously isn't mine. I basically manipulate Sarah and Amy's brilliant work and adapted it for my story.

Day 1.

Toni had never been on an airplane before. In her almost eighteen years of life, she’d only ever gotten around by car. Even when her social worker had her moved from Minnesota to Vermont, she was sent by bus because it was cheaper than airfare.

Her only exposure to airplanes were through the media and those weren’t always the greatest sources since people only talked about the planes that went down and killed 200+ people in a fiery explosion. By the time Toni was sixteen, she easily swore she would never get on a plane because she valued her life and didn’t want to die that way - to hell with the statistics that said she would be more likely to die in a car accident of cow attack.

So, Toni never wanted to go on a plane, but Fatin wanted to take her friends to Hawaii as a graduation celebration. Taking a boat wasn’t an option, and neither was driving, which meant flying was the only way to get there. And while Toni was hesitant to accept the invite purely on the basis that she was nervous, her moms promised her that nothing could go wrong. That, and Shelby swore to hold her hand the entire flight to keep her calm. 

Toni trusted her moms. She knew that they only had her best interests at heart and wanted her to experience a luxury get away - paid for, of course, by Fatin’s over-compensating father who was trying to keep his daughter quiet about his affair. He got the girls set up at a resort with a week’s worth of pre-paid activities and meals, and a private jet to cart them over - because why not? 

Jamie and Dani, while also having their initial reservations about Toni accepting such a generous (but also two faced) invitation, ultimately knew that this opportunity wasn’t going to magically appear for their kid again, and they knew that out of all the girls she was the one who had a lot of catching up to do in the fun department. A week in Hawaii with her friends seemed like just the thing their kid needed so they not only agreed to let Toni go, but they pushed her too.

So, when the plane, a small ten passenger jet, started fiercely shaking due to a wicked storm outside, Toni couldn’t help but feel a slight resentment towards her moms for telling her to go. She could’ve been safe at home watching movies with Dani or playing basketball with Jamie; but instead, she was strapped to her seat and begging for something - anything - to get them to safely land somewhere that wasn’t the water. 

For a brief moment, Toni looked over at Shelby who was separated from her by an aisle. The blonde was stiff in her seat as well, seatbelt wound tight around her waist as she mumbled something under her breath. Toni hadn’t seen her girlfriend pray in a long while, but maybe this situation was bad enough to warrant it.

“We’ll be fine,” Dot loudly reassured before the plane hit a pocket of rough weather that dropped it a few feet and sent all the girls into brief shrieking fits.

“Fuck, we’re going down aren’t we?” Rachel gasped out as the entire cabin shook.

“No! No! We’re fine!” Dot insisted.

But then the Captain’s voice was coming in over the speakers. And he was telling the girls that the engines blew and that they had to brace themselves. And Toni was suddenly felling less resentful towards her moms and more apologetic. 

She was sorry that she didn’t hug them harder before she left. She was sorry that she pushed Dani away when she tried to kiss her all over her face. She was sorry that she groaned when Jamie made a mention about packing one of her hoodies in her suitcase in case she started feeling homesick and wanted to have a mom cuddle. 

She was sorry that she was going to die and likely leave them heartbroken. Because it was killing her to know that she may never see them again, and she could only imagine that they would feel that pain too when someone eventually informed them about the plane crash. The only difference was, Toni knew that in a few minutes her suffering would end and she would feel nothing. 

Her moms on the other hand - they had to live with her death forever.

Toni chanced a glance out her window and noticed the stormy water was getting closer.

“We’ll be fine,” Dot tried to reassure everyone one last time. 

Toni couldn’t help but think about how much more life she wanted to live before the plane hit the water and swallowed them whole.

———

Dani was a nervous wreck. Yes, she wanted Toni to go out and make memories with her friends. But watching her kid walk away from her and Jamie at the airport nearly tore her apart inside.

It’d been a little over two years since Toni walked through their apartment door, and, aside from the occasional sleepover, Toni had never been away from them for too long.

But now she was off on her own for a week, and Dani was nervous.

She reassured herself that the feeling in the pit of her stomach would alleviate as soon as Toni called from Hawaii. That once she knew the girls were safely on the ground and at their resort she could relax and just count down the days until they could pick her up from the airport again.

But the feeling, for some odd reason, got worse as the hours ticked by.

“She’s fine, love,” Jamie reassured as she rubbed her wife’s tense back and tried to pry the phone from her hand.

“They should be landing soon-.”

“Exactly - soon. She isn’t there yet. So, take some deep breaths before you make yourself sick, yeah?” 

Dani could do that. She could breathe and wait.

So, she did. She managed to do 10 controlled breathes every minute for ten minutes. The ten minutes it would’ve taken for the plane to touch down on the tarmac in Honolulu.

“She’s still got to get off the plane.”

Ten more minutes then.

“Probably waiting for their luggage now.”

Another ten. Dani called Toni this time. Toni never missed her calls. Ever. 

The phone beeped and then the line dropped.

“Maybe it’s dead,” Jamie tried to suggest.

Dani tried Shelby next. No answer.

Then Dot. Nope.

She tried Fatin; then the twins; then Martha; then Leah.

“Fuck! Where are they?” Dani stressed when all eight girls failed to answer her. Jamie was now nervous too as she’d taken to trying Toni’s phone over and over.

“Did you get Jeanette’s number?” Jamie asked, speaking of the last-minute addition to the trip. A friend of Fatin’s who was two years older than the girls and acting as the “chaperone” of the trip.

“No! Fuck - where is she?” Dani began to pace. 

Jamie looked up the flight info at that point and exhaled slightly when she read the update.

“It’s delayed. Bad weather. They’re fine, just not there yet.”

Dani almost collapsed in relief. It had now been thirty minutes since the girls were supposed to land. But they were okay. Still up in the sky just waiting for the weather to clear. 

They were fine.

———

Toni snapped back into consciousness with the startling feeling that she wasn’t okay. She was laying on something and her head hurt, and water was sloshing all around her. She was soaked in the frigid ocean water. How did she end up here? 

“Toni, wake up!” A voice - shaky as ever - was urging her. A wave of water splashed over her then, shoving her off of whatever it was that was keeping her afloat.

“Wha- happened?” Toni slurred out after she resurfaced. Why was she slurring? Things were fuzzy.

“The plane crashed,” Leah explained as she struggled to drag another body back onto whatever it was Toni was laying on before. 

“The plane?” Toni mumbled. The girl - Jeanette - was finally in place and Leah looked over at Toni then. “Shelby?”

“I don’t know. We have to get to shore though. Jeanette still won’t get up and-,”

Another wave interrupted Leah as it shoved them back under the depths. Toni came around a bit more as she resurfaced and coughed the salt water from her lungs.

This time, she helped Leah re-set Jeanette on what Toni realized was a piece of plane wing and the two worked together to push it towards the island that was a few hundred yards away.

“How long was I out?” Toni asked as she gripped to Jeanette’s jeans to keep her from falling off the wing again. 

“I found you floating five minutes ago. I’m not too sure how long it’s been since the plane went down though,” Leah explained.

The two girls continued towards the island in silence. 

As they rhythmically kicked their way through the water, Toni found herself asking whatever higher power was out there to have all her friends waiting at the shore when they got there. She was begging for someone to keep them safe and to keep them all alive. 

And then it struck her - she was alive.

She was alive!

———-

The status of the girls plane never updated. It would remain delayed for seven hours after they were supposed to land, but Dani and Jamie were already aware that something wasn’t right after the first hour.

They hurried to the airport at that point, with the other parents arriving in succession to them. 

Dread, Jamie realized, was the thing that filled her when they hoarded the travel counter, gave the flight information to the worker, and were met with a sullen glance.

“Come with me, please,” the woman said as she led the group of parents to a more private room.

Dani was shaking beside Jamie. Shaking and crying and trying to keep it together but failing entirely. But Jamie was numb.

She didn’t flinch or cry when the woman scurried off. Or when two people entered and introduced themselves as _whoeverthefuckcares_ and calmly asked all the parents to take a seat.

No, Jamie didn’t cry yet. Because if she cried it would make her very dreadful suspicions true and Jamie didn’t want that to happen. She wouldn’t let that happen.

“It seems like the plane hit a pocket of bad weather somewhere over the pacific. I’m very sorry, but we have lost contact with the pilot and have not been able to locate where the plane went. It... it’s likely they performed a water landing and didn’t make it.”

So many people broke down then. So many people screamed and yelled and begged for the people that Jamie didn’t care to know the names of to do something. To bring their girls home.

But Jamie didn’t explode. She didn’t scream. She didn’t beg. She didn’t yell.

She just cried. She just quietly cried because her baby was gone and she wouldn’t ever get to hold her again - and no amount of fighting would ever change that.

———

When they got to shore, Toni was more exhausted and in more pain than before. Her adrenaline completely faded when her knees hit the sand and one last angry wave pushed the wing that Jeanette was still passed out on onto the shore.

“Oh thank god!” Leah gasped as she stood up and stumbled forward to haul Jeanette higher up onto the beach.

Toni joined in and started dragging the knocked-out girl until they were completely away from the water and able to collapse into the sand.

Toni almost started crying then. She almost let herself fall apart. But then she heard shouting and she snapped her head up to see 6 approaching figures.

Six people. Her friends. Shelby.

Toni scrambled to her feet and started sprinting. She didn’t slow despite the pain that flooded her head until she was hitting Shelby who wrapped around her just as vigorously.

That’s when Toni began to cry. Because fuck she was scared and in pain and her friends were alive!

And she was alive, which Shelby was reminding her as a mantra as she continued to mumble into her ear, “I’m so happy your made it. Fuck I thought I lost you. I thought I lost you.”

“Are you okay?” Toni finally asked when she found some of her composure and was able to pull back to look at her girlfriend properly.

Shelby had scratches and bruises all over her arms. And her face was a bit dirty as well. But she seemed okay. 

“I’m fine. But baby, your head.”

Toni hissed when Shelby touched what was likely a gash on her forehead. She knew she felt something warm crawling down her face, but she thought it was water. 

“I’m okay,” Toni lied. “I barely feel it.” That was sort of true. She didn’t feel the gash. But she did feel the thumping in her brain.

“Fuck, I can’t believe we all survived that,” Dot mumbled in relief as Shelby got to work with using her shirt to wipe the blood from around Toni’s left eye.

“You said we would be fine!” Toni insisted, a tight laugh escaping her when she realized that while things sucked the worst of it was over.

“I didn’t fucking believe myself!” Dot retorted, making the others release strained laughs as well. Their laughter was soon combined with cries because everyone was just _that_ relieved to be standing in their huddled circle. 

“Jeanette?” Martha mumbled out the question, re-anchoring everyone to reality.

“I’ll check on her,” Leah mentioned before she went back to the other girl.

“What are the chances we landed on an island that people live on?” Rachel asked as she wrung some water from the sleeve of her hoodie. 

“Well, we were ten hours into the flight... so we’re somewhere in the Pacific. Maybe 1,500 kilometres away from Hawaii," Nora said thoughtfully. 

All the girls looked at Nora, the sickening reality settling in all of them when they realized that they were way too far from civilization.

“At least we’re all okay,” Martha said optimistically. “Someone will find us.”

“Guys!” Leah was suddenly screaming a ways away from the group, making them all snap their attention to her.

“What’s wrong?” Fatin tentatively asked.

“It’s Jeanette... guys, she’s dead.”

Toni couldn’t stop herself. Maybe it was her head injury. Maybe it was being hit with the reality that they may not actually be that okay. 

Either way, Toni lurched forward and threw up the cake she ate on the plane at her and Shelby’s feet.

———

Dani didn’t want to accept it. She didn’t want to accept that the plane her daughter was on went down in the ocean and that she was dead.

Toni wasn’t dead. Shelby wasn’t dead. The other girls weren’t dead.

And still, despite her denial, Dani ached. Every part of her felt utterly sore and stiff and she had no motivation to do anything except lay on Toni's bed with her phone close to her head as she constantly called Toni in hopes that it would finally get through to her.

Jaime was in no better of a condition. When they were told to go home, she felt entirely unable to do so. How could they go home without their child? How could they leave knowing a part of their whole world was never coming back to them?

So, she dropped Dani off at the apartment and kept driving. She kept driving until she got to The Leafling, and it was there that she slipped into their closed shop.

Door locked securely behind her, Jaime laid on the couch in the back room and wrapped her arms around herself before her sobs consumed her.

Was this dying? It felt like dying.

Jaime felt like she was dying, but even that didn’t scare her because maybe then she could be with her baby again.

———

After scrounging up some of their stuff that washed ashore, the girls found just enough to get them through the night. 

Thirteen diet coke’s, three water damaged cell phones, Fatin’s oversized suitcase, and a lighter.

It was enough. It would get them through until more could be found.

So, the eight - the unsinkable eight as Fatin tried to teasingly dub them - sat around a fire, which Dot thankfully knew how to start, and thought back on their never-ending day.

“Does anyone remember hitting the water?” Leah asked the question quietly, her face tucked in close to her knees to hide her shaking.  
It wasn’t cold, but they were all facing the after-effects of being in shock for so long.

“No,” Shelby whispered, looking to Toni who could only shake her head lightly.

“We were screaming,” Martha said, gaining everyone’s attention. “I remember everyone screaming and then the plane tore in half. It goes fuzzy from there.”

An all-consuming silence fell over them. 

They shouldn’t be alive.

And yet... they were. They all were, save for one.

“We need to bury her,” Dot mumbled as she looked over to Jeanette’s body further down the beach. They covered her with a large palm leaf since everyone had been too distressed to look at her.

“Tomorrow,” Fatin suggested.

“No, tonight,” Dot argued as she shook her head. “We don’t know what wildlife is on this island. If any predators come looking-,”

“Okay!” Rachel interrupted loudly. She was growing uncomfortable with the idea of being hunted. They all were. “Let’s just get this over with.”

So, the group of eight left their safe corner of the beach and slowly made their way to Jeanette’s body.

“You okay?” Shelby whispered the question to Toni as they walked closely beside one another.

After being reunited, both girls had barely been a foot away from each other. 

“I’m fine,” Toni replied as she forced a sad smile.

“If you don’t feel good you can stay by the fire,” Shelby offered, but Toni shook her head.

“Everyone’s a bit hurt. If anything, Martha should stay back,” Toni mumbled as she motioned to their friend who was limping under the support of Nora.

“But you had that concussion a while back-,” Shelby started to argue.

“Baby, I’m fine. It’s just a gash. I don’t think I hit my head hard enough to re-concuss myself.”

“You sure?” Shelby asked, falling back a bit before they arrived at the body so then she could really make sure her girlfriend was okay.

“Positive. I’ll tell you if anything changes.”

Toni wouldn’t, though. Not for a while at least. Because babying yourself on a deserted island wasn’t an option. Everything was about survival now.

And if she ever wanted to see her moms again, she’d have to keep on surviving.

Day 4.

“Dani, we need to plan it,” Jaime said softly as she sat next her wife on their bed.

“No,” Dani croaked back; she had hardly said a word to her wife in the last few days. She had hardly said a word to anyone really. 

“We can’t keep waiting-,”

“I said no, Jaime!” 

Jaime stopped talking then. She stopped pushing. 

She’d try again later.

“Okay,” she relented before leaving their room.

———

“I say we look at these Takis as a grand prize and we play for them!” Shelby said enthusiastically as she tried to quell the growing argument between Dot and Toni. 

Toni glared at her girlfriend as she continued to possessively clutch the snack-size bag of chips.

“Can’t we just eat them?” Leah asked from her place on Fatin’s suitcase. 

“Yeah, seriously, she’s gone all youth group counsellor on us,” Fatin teased, making Shelby roll her eyes.

“Play what?” Rachel prompted, seeming more bored by the girls’ antics than anything else.

“Three words,” Shelby started as she looked at her friends. “Shelter. Building. Contest.”

There was a resounding sound of groans as Shelby and Dot geeked out over the idea.

“Baby, no one wants to do that,” Toni grumbled.

“Yeah, there’s no way I’m laying down roots here,” Rachel agreed.

“Guess you both won’t be competing and winning the Takis then,” Shelby teased as she plucked the bag from her girlfriend and went to string it up. It was the official prize to be won.

“Fine, but I want to be on Shelby’s team,” Toni said as she tried to stop herself from pouting.

“I’m taking Rachel then,” Dot insisted.

“Martha’s with us,” Toni followed up with.

“Take Leah, take Leah,” Rachel encouraged Dot who nodded and waved Leah over.

“We’ll take Nora,” Martha said, making the meek girl shuffle over.

“Is this a sympathy pick?” Nora asked.

“No,” Shelby ensured.

“Probably,” Toni said on top of her, earning a glare from her girlfriend.

“Fatin’s with us then,” Dot said before gathering the girl who had splayed herself onto some washed up suitcases to tan.

“That’s a sympathy pick,” Shelby said teasingly to Nora who laughed.

———

Jaime was at a loss for what to do. She didn’t know how to handle everything after her daughter’s assumed passing. 

Was she supposed to wait? Was there still a chance they survived? It wasn’t likely. It was far from it.

Which is probably why she received two funeral invites via email; one to Leah’s burial, and one to Fatin’s. Their families seemed to want closure the fastest, which is likely the reason for the plans being made four days later.

When Jaime saw those invites, she didn’t know what that meant for Toni. Was she supposed to plan a burial? Was she supposed to start notifying people that her daughter was... was dead? 

It was overwhelming. All of it was too overwhelming and Jaime felt like she was doing it alone because Dani was refusing to do anything but lay on Toni’s bed with her phone stationed nearby in case she miraculously called.

The panic was starting to settle in. Her breathing quickened, her hands grabbed the kitchen countertop. And Jaime started sobbing. Loud, painful sobs.

She didn’t hear the sound of the front door opening and closing, nor did she hear bags hitting the ground and feet running towards her.

If she did, she would’ve thought it was Toni. She would’ve prayed it was Toni.

But it wasn’t. It was Hannah and Owen. And they were trying to talk to her; trying to tell her to calm down and breathe deep. 

But she couldn’t. She couldn’t. She couldn’t. _She couldn’t._

“I want my Toni,” Jaime sobbed as she clutched to Owen and grabbed the back his coat as tightly as possible.

“Oh, love,” Hannah mumbled as she combed her fingers through Jaime’s hair. 

Neither knew what to say to the distraught mother. There were no words.

There would never be words.

———

Toni wanted to enjoy this friendly competition. Hell, she wanted to win it because: takis. But having to work with her hands was exposing an underlying problem she’d been trying to avoid.

Her right hand was shaking. A lot. She couldn’t get a good grip on anything and at first she thought it was residual tremors from the shock of crashing on a deserted island, but Toni quickly realized that her head injury might’ve run deeper and that whatever trauma she sustained likely fucked up her coordination.

But still, she tried to keep it a secret. She didn’t want to scare the other girls and she didn’t want them to baby her. Besides, her head wound wasn’t looking that bad apparently, so maybe the hand shaking wasn’t related.

The problem with Toni was that when she lost control, she lost her temper. Not being able to control her grip was slowly affecting Toni’s already worn thin temper.

So, when she tried to adjust a long piece of driftwood against their lean-to and she couldn’t get it to sit right, she started to get angry. Nora, who seemed to notice her struggle tried to help.

But being helped made Toni feel even less in control, so she lashed out. When the driftwood slipped and she couldn’t re-grab the piece, she reeled on Nora.

“I said I fucking had it!” Toni screamed, looking down at the girl that she didn’t even realize she had pushed.

“Toni, calm down,” Shelby warned as she got up from her place next to Martha.

Toni was blinded by rage though. Rage and a lack of control and anger. Pure unbridled anger, which spurred her forward and caused her to reach for the axe to start destroying.

Thoughtlessly, Toni hacked into their shelter, and when that wasn’t enough, she grabbed the piece that Shelby and Martha were working on to add to her pile of destruction.

“Toni!” Shelby barked, making Toni freeze mid axe throw. “That’s enough!”

Toni breathed heavily as she looked at the now gathered crowd of her friends.

When she noticed how hurt Shelby looked, Toni tried to step towards her.

“Shelb-,”

“Take a walk,” Shelby mumbled before she looked away from her now simmering girlfriend.

Toni reached forward, but then she remembered her shaking hand, which caused her to clench her fist and hide it behind her back.

One last glance at her friends had Toni taking a tentative step backwards, then another. Then: she was running away from the group. 

She ran until she found a secluded cliff edge where she could sit and cry and mourn the damage to her hand. 

And as she looked out over the water, Toni realized just how badly she wanted her moms to hug her.

Day 5.

Having Owen and Hannah made it a bit easier. Jaime didn’t have to maintain the apartment because they were there to do it, and she didn’t have to try to feed Dani because they stepped in to care for her too.

So, Jaime was able to mourn in the privacy of her room.

Then, she received another invite, via mail this time, to Martha’s funeral. 

And Jaime knew it was only five days. But she needed Dani to help her make decisions. They needed to talk and figure out what to do with Toni because right now it looked like they were trying to forget her altogether.

“We need to plan it, Dani!” Jaime insisted as she stood beside her daughter’s bed and looked down at her curled-up wife. Dani had one of Toni’s hoodies clutched in her grasp.

“I can’t!” Dani finally lashed out, her voice harsh and angry. “I can’t plan it, Jaime! Not now!”

“She deserves a funeral and a day for people to remember her! She deserves closure-."

“No!”

“Yes!”

“Fucking stop, Jaime! Stop it!” And then Dani was dissolving into a fit of tears.

And Jaime was following close behind her as she sunk to her knees and clutched to Toni’s bedding.

“I can’t do this alone,” Jaime sobbed into the sheets that still smelt like her daughter.

“I can’t say goodbye,” Dani replied, her face stuck in the hoodie. “I don’t want to say goodbye.”

———

Toni knew that running wasn’t an option. Not on the island, and not with this group that still cared for her would likely go after her. If she ran someone might end up getting hurt.

So, she stayed on the cliff edge. All through the night and late into the next day.

And it was as she sat that she tried to rehab her own hand. She grabbed rocks, she gripped the dusty sand below her, she tore at budding patches of grass.

And still, she couldn’t feel herself grabbing the same way. She saw herself trying to do it, but she couldn’t convince all of her nerves to respond. And it was scary. 

That was her dominate hand. That was her shooting hand. That was the hand she needed to keep if she wanted to take the full-ride basketball scholarship in September.

Toni didn’t want to accept that something got fucked up in her nerves when they went down. Not yet.

———

“We should call Shelby’s parents,” Dani mumbled as she tapped the edge of her toast onto her plate. It was the first time she managed to leave the room and it was more by Hannah’s cajoling than anything else.

She’d have toast, try to talk to her friends, and then return to her place on her daughter’s bed. That’s all Dani could manage.

But then she remembered Shelby and how she’d been living with them for a few months. And how her parents weren’t at the airport when they received the news. 

“You’re willing to do that, then?” Jaime asked, her tone harsher than she intended. But she was getting pissed off that her wife was thinking more about the Goodkind’s than she was about their own daughter.

“They deserve to know-,”

“And our daughter deserves a funeral!” Jaime interrupted as she slammed a hand on the table. 

Everyone went silent at that. Dani dropped her toast and brushed the crumbs from her hands as she sat back in her seat.

“We need to call them. Tonight.”

“Fuck the Goodkinds, it’s not like they cared for Shelby-.”

“They’re her parents!” Dani argued.

“And we were the ones that took her in when they kicked her out. So, if we have to do anything it’s plan, not only our daughter’s burial, but Shelby’s burial too.”

“Enough about the burials!”

“They deserve to be rested!” Jaime yelled louder than necessary.

A silence hung for a moment before Dani stood up and stormed away from the table, leaving the three-remaining people behind.

“Why don’t you give me the number of her family and I’ll call them,” Owen suggested after they heard Toni’s bedroom door slam shut. 

Jaime could only curtly nod at her friend’s offer.

“We can start planning the funerals tomorrow, alright, dear?” Hannah said as she grabbed her friend’s hand.

“I don’t think we’ll survive this,” Jaime mumbled as she looked at Hannah’s hand locked onto her own.

“What do you mean?” Owen asked.

“Dani and I. I don’t think we can survive a loss like this. There’s too much hurt.”

“Hurt dissolves, though,” Hannah reminded gently.

“Not this kind,” Jaime disagreed. “This kind grows.”

———

Shelby found Toni just as night settled in on the fifth day. She took cautious but purposeful steps as to not spook her girlfriend who was looking out onto the darkening horizon.

When she was close enough, Shelby extended a bottle of water.

“We found water,” Shelby said, earning a slight glance from Toni. “Well... Fatin found water. You weren’t the only one to run off yesterday.” 

Toni accepted the extended water bottle with her left hand but didn’t reach for the metal lid. She didn’t want Shelby to see her hand.

Shelby took a seat next to her girlfriend and copied her seated position with her knees tucked into her chest and her arms wrapped around them.

“Yesterday was a lot,” Shelby finally said as she picked at the dried sand on her sandals.

“I’m sorry,” Toni finally whispered in return. Though she kept her eyes forward for fear of Shelby seeing the tears shinning off of them.

“You can’t do that, babe. You can’t destroy things here because those things might be our only means of survival.”

“I know...”

“Then why’d you do it?” Shelby countered. “What made you get so angry so quickly?” 

Tears started trickling down Toni’s cheeks. Shelby was almost tempted to wipe them away, but she needed Toni to rationalize her actions first.

“I couldn’t do it,” Toni whimpered as she tucked her chin against her knees.

“It was just a piece of wood. Was it really worth destroying all our hard work?”

“No, Shelby, I couldn’t do it,” Toni said past a sob as she finally extended out her right hand. It shook against her will and the sight alone made her angrily clench it into a fist.

“When did this start?” Shelby asked worriedly as she grabbed the shaking appendage and tried to steady it with her own hands.

“After the crash. I don’t know why-,”

“Your head,” Shelby mumbled as she connected the dots herself. “Is this all that’s been happening?”

“I got those headaches again,” Toni revealed.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone?!” Shelby asked in bewilderment. Her own panic was climbing as she realized the dangers of her girlfriend being re-concussed only a month after her last one. They couldn’t fix this as easily as they could fix a flesh wound.

“Because I was scared!” Toni replied loudly as she snatched her hand away and returned to crying into her knees. “I don’t want it to get worse. I don’t want to die on this fucking island. So, I just want to pretend like it’s not related.”

“That’s not how that works, though,” Shelby said. But then Toni was looking at her pleadingly. Almost begging her to just stop.

“It can’t be worse than this,” Toni said as she looked at her shaking fist. 

And then Shelby realized that Toni was avoiding the truth because any concussion symptoms that were worse than her hand could be detrimental. They could kill her.

And Toni didn’t want to die.

Shelby wouldn’t let Toni die.

“You’ll be okay,” Shelby reassured as she pulled her girlfriend into her arms and pressed a kiss to her head. “We’ll get off this island and a doctor will know what to do with your hand. You’ll be fine.”

Day 6. 

There was some semblance of order now that the girls had a sturdy shelter and a source of water. Tasked with jobs, they fell into a relatively simple routine by day six.

The other girls were made aware of Toni’s deeper injury, and, despite her protests, she was tasked with resting for the next few days in hopes of her body naturally healing and restoring the dexterity of her right hand.

Still, Toni did what she could at camp. She tended to the fire and she rotated the water over the flames as to keep a fresh supply at hand. 

Hunger was setting in for all the girls. They had been keeping themselves “full” with macadamia nuts and berries but it wasn’t enough. It never felt like enough.

Which is why, when Rachel came running over the hill with a bag full of something other than fruit and nuts, the girls cheered. 

The mussels tasted like salt water and day-old sushi, but all the girls indulged themselves.

All except Shelby who continued the nut and berry diet on the basis that she didn’t want to go into anaphylactic shock.

Toni had lost track of how many she ate. Probably more than what was reasonable, but she was too distracted by her own hunger to pace herself.

“Damn, Toni. You’re plowing right through them,” Rachel remarked.

“Just trying to stay on brand, you know,” Toni replied before she teasingly drew her tongue along a mussel. Her friends started giggling at her joke. “I mean you gotta admit, the shape.”

“Shape and texture,” Leah supplied.

“Yeah, it’s like a...” Toni faltered as she fiddled with one of the shells. Heat was rising to her cheeks.

“Like a PUSSY!” Nora declared boldly, generating more laughter.

Toni smirked and reached for another mussel, “y’know, if you want to know how to eat this soft, beautiful treasure I can show you and it does not take garlic butter. All it takes is finesse.”

As Toni playfully licked and sucked the mussel, the group around her laughed and cheered her on.

Shelby, who was sitting across from Toni, blushed profusely and ducked her head, which earned a playful shove from Fatin.

“Look at her! She’s getting all red!” Fatin exclaimed, making Shelby blush even more.

“I think someone’s jealous of the shellfish,” Leah teased.

“Can you blame a girl? Having you bitches around all the time is sort of making it impossible to do anything other than kiss,” Shelby said.

“You sure about that?” Rachel turned on the blonde, a wicked smile growing on her lips. “Because you two were getting really close last night-,”

“Knock it off,” Toni hackled as she chucked some empty shells at Rachel. 

“I’ll knock it off when you two learn to keep it in your pants,” Rachel rebutted.

“Eat your pussy fish,” Toni said before going in for more mussels.

———

Dani couldn’t sleep. Not properly at least. For twenty to thirty minutes, she’d succumb to fitful naps only to wake up panting and crying for Toni.

Toni who wasn’t there. Toni who was... 

_No_ , she wasn’t dead. Dani wouldn’t let herself believe it. She wouldn’t allow it to be real. 

But the longer she laid on Toni’s bed, the more she realized that even if her daughter did survive the crash, she would be out there on her own trying to survive.

She wasn’t sure what scared her more: accepting her child was dead, or accepting that her child was lost out there on her own either hurt or sick and she couldn’t do anything to save her.

It was those thoughts that kept Dani from sleeping. 

It was those thoughts the plagued her all day and straight through the night.

———

Toni regretted those mussels ten minutes after devouring them. Well, she and all the other girls regretted them as they were left in different states of trying to evacuate them from their bodies.

The only one spared was Shelby, but she paid the ultimate price of having to tend to all seven girls’ needs. 

For the first hour after the mussels, Shelby ran around trying to get people to drink water and preventing them from falling face first into their own puke.

The hour after that led to Shelby unglamorously cleaning residual shit from her friends pants in the ocean. 

Then, she had to help a girl or two (namely Toni and Martha) get to the ocean so they could rinse off... well everything. 

It was when she finally managed to get them through the worse of it that Shelby took the chance to breathe.

Sat around the fire with her friends slowly munching on nuts and sipping on water, Shelby lent back against a log and continued her delicate brushing of Toni’s hair as the girl slept on her lap.

“How’re you feeling?” Shelby asked Fatin who was dozing off beside her with Leah laying against her similarly to how Toni was with Shelby. 

“Like my asshole is on fire,” Fatin responded, earning some light chuckles from the other girls who were listening in.

“Thanks for keeping us alive there, Shelby,” Dot said from her place under the shelter. 

“Yeah, well, I don’t want a repeat of this so no more seafood for any of you,” Shelby said, her eyes landing on Rachel who raised her hands in surrender.

“I thought they were safe,” Rachel tried to reason. “But agreed. We’re not eating those mussels ever again.” 

“Tomorrow we need to look for food again, though,” Dot said.

“Dottie, you all need to rest. Not run around the island,” Shelby started to argue.

“We can’t get caught without food, though. The minute we run out of food is the minute our survival rate drops.”

“We’ll be fine,” Shelby tried to reassure.

But she even doubted the legitimacy of her claim. They were low on the nuts and berries. The mussels fell through. If they didn’t find an alternative quickly...  
Shelby didn’t want to think about how it would feel slowly starving to death.

Day 21.

Fifteen days had passed since the mussels incident. It took only fifteen days for the girls worst nightmare to come true.

They were out of food. And the bushes they gathered their berries from had been picked clean. It was crunch time. All other tasks except for fire duty had been shuffled aside as all the girls decided to pair off and explore the furthest depths of the island.

Toni and Shelby took to the denser trees of the island; Dot and Rachel decided to hike the mountain. Martha, Leah, and Fatin took the coastline. And Nora remained at camp for the day keeping an eye on their shelter and their belongings.

Toni was happy to finally get to do something productive for the group. While her dexterity was still off and her grip had only slightly returned, the progress was enough to allow Shelby to give her the go ahead to join her on their food search.

While most of the girls had taken on rather dark moods, Toni surprised herself with her own optimism. Maybe it was being in the system for so long and sometimes going months without a proper meal. But the thought of being hungry didn’t scare Toni. It spurred her forward and encouraged her to look for a way to eat, but it didn’t make her dark and sad like some of her friends.

It didn’t affect her the way it affected Shelby.

Shelby, always the optimist, was in a funk. Or, as much of a funk a person could be after crashing into a deserted island. She was going dark, though, and Toni could see it.

“What food should we ask my moms to make us when we finally get out of here?” Toni asked past a laboured breath as they continued up a slight incline in the woods. She glanced at her girlfriend who kept a steady glare on the forest floor ahead of them. “C’mon, babe, there has to be something you’d ask for. I’m gonna ask my mama to make us her cookies. And those tacos she made back in March! Holy shit those were amazing. And-,”

“Shouldn’t we be thinking of something other than food?” Shelby asked, her tone a bit sharper than she had intended. Toni didn’t let it faze her though. She knew Shelby well. She knew what she needed. 

“I mean, we could think about my mom’s cooking. I miss her so much but fuck I really hope she isn’t the one making our first meal.”

It was a mean jab at Jaime, sure, but it was enough to elicit a small laugh for Shelby. A small laugh which bubbled and turned into tears. 

“What’s going on?” Toni asked slowly as she reached out and grabbed Shelby’s hand as they continued walking. 

“It’s been almost a month, Toni. What if no one finds us?” 

“Hey,” Toni slowed their walking and turned Shelby so she could cup her cheeks. “Don’t think like that, alright? We are getting out of here eventually. We will be home soon-,”

“How do you know?” Shelby whimpered.

“I just... my mom said that the universe rewards people who put out good. And you, Shelby Goodkind, are all good. The universe owes you a lot for how good you are.”

Shelby sniffled and smiled a bit at the compliment. 

“You’re good too, y’know,” Shelby whispered as she set her hands over Toni’s hips. She tried to ignore how much more of the bone she felt there.

“See? That means the universe owes us even more,” Toni playfully stated, making Shelby crack another smile. “C’mere,” Toni whispered before she pulled Shelby into her arms and hugged the girl close. 

“Lasagna,” Shelby whispered as she tucked her face into Toni’s neck. “I’m asking Dani to make us lasagna when we get out of here.”

———

Jaime didn’t want to lose Dani. She’d already lost her daughter, she wasn’t about to lose the love of her life too.

But they were drifting. And just like she told Hannah, the hurt they felt hadn’t faded; it was growing. It was festering. It was destroying.

And still, Jaime didn’t want to let it break them. 

So, she tried to repair them. She tried to heal some of the damage the only way she knew how.

It was the day after they had buried their child. Or, since they buried the idea of their child. Jaime tried to keep her life moving, not because she didn’t care, but because she was scared that stopping would kill her entirely. Dani, on the other hand, reverted back to the state she was in ten days prior. Silent, solitude, and tucked away on their daughter’s bed.

Jaime knew she needed to stop this now before they couldn’t be saved. 

Slowly, Jaime entered Toni’s room. She walked up to the dresser and paused there to see if Dani would notice her. She did. 

Then, Jaime reached for the picture her daughter kept on her dresser. A framed photo of the three of them from her adoption day. 

Toni looked...

“She was so happy that day,” Jaime whispered as she drew her finger over the edge of Toni’s face. “I mean I can’t blame her. It’s my favourite day too.”

“It’s my second favourite day,” Dani whispered as she sat up on the bed and looked over at her wife.

“Second?” Jaime asked as she took a tentative step towards the blonde.

“The day before that was my favourite,” Dani supplied as she reached out for the frame. Jaime gave it over and watched as her wife looked down at the image of them with so much love. “She was so excited and antsy all day and then that night... she couldn’t sleep because she was scared to wake up and discover that it wasn’t real.”

Jaime smiled slightly as she took a seat on the foot of Toni’s bed. 

“She slept so soundly between us,” Jaime reminded.

“Like a baby,” Dani said as tears shone in her eyes. “We missed so much. But I thought we’d have forever to make up for it.”

“Me too,” Jaime agreed as a tear trickled down her cheek. “Forever would’ve been nice.”

“I wish we could go back to the night before this picture. I would’ve held her closer.”

Jaime nodded; her throat was too tight, and she didn’t think she could speak anymore. 

“Can you lay with me?” Dani whispered the question as she shuffled over on the bed a bit. 

Jaime gave a weak smile and nodded. Carefully she laid parallel to her wife and watched as she set the picture frame between them. 

“Do you think she knew how much we loved her?” Dani whispered the question into the darkness of the room.

Jaime breathed out a tight breath and grasped her hands wife. 

“I like to believe she did.”

Dani nodded. For now, that could be enough.

The two women laid in the silence of the room. The hurt they were feeling wasn’t destroying them anymore. But the emptiness between them felt all consuming.

Day 24.

The problem with starvation is that it makes people do some really stupid things. It makes people, namely Leah, conjure up ideas that someone had manipulated the plane crash.

It made her turn on her friends. It made her turn on Shelby.

Poor Shelby, who was also emotionally on edge, didn’t expect to end up in the clutches of Leah who was screaming at her to drop the act and confess about her affiliations with the island.

Shelby panicked and didn’t push Leah off immediately. So, Toni did it for her. A bit too rough for everyone’s liking, but Toni shoved Leah with all she had and sent the girl falling into the sand.

“Don’t fucking touch her, Leah!” Toni barked as she turned and held her girlfriend’s face to check her over. Thankfully, the worst that happened was Leah’s thumb dug a bit too deep along Shelby cheek.

“It’s the both do you then!” Leah accused as she jumped to her feet and pushed Toni back. Toni who was still fighting the residual effects of her concussion and was unable to keep her own balance. The push wasn't anything grand, but it was enough to send Toni down into the sand.

"Leah!" Fatin warned as Shelby went down next to Toni to check on her.

"You okay?" Shelby asked as she watched Toni blink once. Then twice.

"Admit it!" Leah yelled again. Toni snapped out of her dazed moment and gripped the sand beneath her before she stood up quickly and reeled on the other girl. 

“Why the fuck would we have anything to do with this nightmare?!” Toni yelled at Leah. Her hands were clenched at her sides - everyone knew a physical fight was on the brink of ensuing.

“Because you’re trying to run away from something!” Leah insisted.

“Leah, calm down,” Fatin tried to intervene.

“I don’t want to calm down! I want to go home!” Leah barked out. 

“And we don’t!” Toni screamed back. “I fucking hate it here too!”

“Then call it off!” 

“Call what off?!”

“Whoever you hired to crash a plane here!”

“Toni, stop fighting with her,” Shelby said as she grabbed her girlfriend’s elbow. “She’s not thinking straight.”

“I’m not crazy!” Leah yelled at her friends.

“Are you sure about that?” Rachel antagonized.

“I’m getting off this island. I can’t-,” Leah turned on her heel and started running towards the ocean.

“Fuck, Leah!” Fatin cried out as she chased after her friend.

For someone running on no food, Leah was fast. Faster than any of the girls were in that moment.

She got neck deep in the water before Rachel caught hold of her. Rachel barely managed to drag Leah back to the shore before she caught a right hook to the face.

“Fuck!” Rachel exclaimed as she recoiled from the whack.

Fatin took over then and started to pull Leah back from the water and into her arms.

“Let me go!” Leah sobbed as she finally relented in the arms of her friend.

Fatin continued to hold Leah tightly, her words only being heard by Leah and Leah alone.

Shelby and Toni continued to watch with the others from a distance. Shelby maintained a light hold on Toni’s elbow.

“I want my mom,” Leah sobbed out, loud enough for the others to hear.

Those words made Toni’s stomach clench. Fuck, she wanted her moms too. Bad enough that she would also try swimming away from the island.

“I can’t be here right now,” Toni mumbled as she took one step back and then another before she was free from Shelby’s hold and able to walk away from the group.

“Toni-,” Dot started to say.

“I’ll go with her. We’ll be fine,” Shelby reassured before she caught up with her girlfriend.

Together they walked away from the slowly resolving chaos. 

The further they got the faster Toni’s tears started to fall. 

She wanted her moms too. She _really_ wanted her moms too.

———

The investigators of the plane crash had been sending weekly updates. They were usually the same; just that they hadn’t found the crash site or any parts of the plane that had washed ashore.

In other words, they hadn’t found the bodies of the girls yet. And as more days passed, they knew that the chances of finding anything were growing slimmer and slimmer.

Dani’s wants had shifted dramatically almost a month after the plane went missing. Hope for her daughter’s survival became hope that at least her body could be returned home and placed into the casket they buried almost two weeks prior.

Toni hadn’t had a home most of her life. Now that she did, Dani didn’t want her body to be away from it. She wanted to at least know where her kid was. She wanted to know that the grave she visited wasn’t hollow.

But even as Dani rationalized that her child was dead, a part of her still didn’t believe it. A part of her, deep in her heart, felt the ache of being needed.

Like Toni was out there desperate for her to find her.

Dani imagined her feeling was akin to that of a mother hearing her baby cry. She couldn’t hear Toni crying; but she felt it. She felt that ache that said her child needed her.

Still, she pushed it down. In the day, when she had to be reasonable and try to lead a semblance of her normal life, Dani was able to ignore it.

But at night, when sleep consumed her and she was stuck in her own body, Dani felt it most. She felt the ache grow.

Painful. Powerful. Desperate.

And she’d wake up with a start, her hands grappling around her as she reached desperately for Toni only to find her bed sheets and her wife.

Jaime would wake too, startled and quickly trying to gather her senses as she reached to hold Dani.

“It’s just a dream,” Jaime would reassure as she kissed her wife’s head.

“I feel her,” Dani would sob. 

Jaime would only nod. She wouldn’t admit that she felt her too.

She wouldn’t tell Dani that the ache was inside her as well.

Day 26.

Leah’s meltdown proved to be of some value. Because she scared Toni and Shelby off, they ventured deep into the island where they found lychees. 

An abundance of lychees that would be enough to get them through until more could be found.

Having food seemed to restore some peace on their island. Leah wasn’t accusing anyone of planning the crash anymore, and everyone was less on edge as a result.

For the first time in a while, it felt okay. The girls were okay.

“I’m going for a swim,” Rachel declared as she stood up from her place by the fire.

“Now?” Shelby asked as she glanced at the water. It wasn’t too crazy today. Plus, Rachel was a competent swimmer thanks to her years of competitive diving. She’d be fine.

“Yeah. That whole waiting fifteen after you eat is a myth,” Rachel said as she kicked off her pants and started pulling off her shirt.

“Don’t over-exert yourself,” Dot reminded mid-lychee chew. She was really becoming like an overbearing parent to the girls. 

“I’m just gonna float,” Rachel waved off before she made her way to the water.

The other girls watched her leave before they returned to their prior conversation.

“So, are you serious about moving to LA?” Dot asked Fatin who shrugged and picked at a scab on her knee.

“While I want to get off this island, I seriously can’t imagine living with my parents again. At least my dad. He’s... I’m tired of him trying to buy my silence about his affairs. I mean, look where it got us,” Fatin explained as she dryly chuckled and motioned to the island.

“You know we don’t blame you, right?” Shelby asked, though her eyes did flit over to Leah. They had made amends, but Shelby was surprised that the girl didn’t accuse Fatin first since her dad paid for the trip.

“Yeah, yeah,” Fatin said, though her face betrayed her.

“You weren’t flying the plane, Fatin,” Toni reasoned, making the other girl smile weakly.

“I just feel like maybe if I had exposed his ass earlier, he wouldn’t have paid for this trip and we wouldn’t be stuck on this shit hole.”

“You have to admit, it is pretty,” Martha said as she looked at the mountain. “It’s not the resort we were promised, but it could be worse.”

“Of course you would make starvation and surviving the elements sound like a good time, Marty,” Toni teased.

“Well, if you squint hard enough if does look like a beach resort,” Nora said as she dug her fingers into the sand. 

“Yeah, minus the cabanas and pina colada’s we were promised,” Leah said.

“Fuck, imagine taking naps on the beach,” Toni grumbled as she leant against Shelby’s side.

“Okay, but you already do that,” Dot reminded, making Toni laugh.

“I meant naps on a lounge chair with a plate of fries or something next to me.”

“Ohhh I miss fries,” Martha hummed as she closed her eyes.

“Fuck, I’m gonna eat so much McDonald’s when they find us,” Fatin stated as she too closed her eyes reminiscently. 

“Milkshakes. I’m gonna drink twenty of them,” Shelby added.

“I worry for your stomachs when we get home,” Dot said as she stoked the fire. “You’re gonna gorge yourselves and then shit it out a few minutes later.”

“Let us gorge in peace, Dorothy,” Fatin said as she reached over to flick Dot behind the ear.

“I’m just thinking about your toilets,” Dot said as she put her hands up in surrender.

"Oh my god, remember indoor plumbing?" Shelby enthused, earning a round of laughter. 

"I miss my toilet. It was heated," Fatin mumbled with a frown.

"Fucking one percenters," Toni said past a laugh.

“Does anyone see that?” Leah asked before Fatin could argue that last she checked, Toni loved to use her heated toilet.

“See what?” Nora asked as she looked at the direction that Leah was looking.

Leah had her eyes locked on the water; and while the girls briefly worried that she was going to do something crazy again, Martha caught a glimpse of what she was seeing.

“Is that...?” Leah began to say, only to be interrupted by Martha.

“SHARK!”

———

Jaime didn’t know she needed a bon fire with her friends until she was sat around it. Just like they did at Bly, Owen and Hannah supplied the wine and the group of four sat around the controlled flame.

They found a secluded location, away from their town and surrounded by trees. Jaime brought some camping chairs and they used the rocks and sticks from the forest to make a makeshift fire pit.

They were quiet at first. The group of four sat bundled in their own seats and sipped from their wine bottles as they watched the flames dance around. And then Hannah finally spoke:

“Shall we give our offerings?” 

Jaime bristled slightly, her hand clenched around her bottle of wine and her breath caught in her throat. She didn’t want to speak, and yet... 

She got up on shaky legs and looked at the fire. 

“I haven’t been a mum very long. A little over two years,” she swallowed thickly. “They don’t tell you in those fostering classes how it feels... how it feels when your heart absorbs them. They don’t warn you that you’ll be doing something small, like stroking their hair or kissing them goodnight, and then suddenly you’ll feel like they’re a part of you. They don’t warn you that it’s hard to walk away from them, even just a few feet, after that because all you’ll do it worry about them.”

Jaime had to battle the cries that were growing in her chest. She didn’t want to cry anymore.

“Fuck, they don’t warn you that these kids will become your whole world. They don’t warn you that losing them would feel like dying yourself.”

Silence hung there. A tear slipped down Jaime’s face. She took a swig of wine to hide it.

“Toni was... she was everything a mother could ask for. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she was gritty and angry and mean-,”

Jaime and Dani chuckled slightly at the memory of their once angry little girl.

“But once those walls were down: Toni was nothing but love. She would kill me for telling anyone, but she loved to cuddled. I would only have to be sitting on the couch for a minute before she’d find her way to me."

“Fuck, those were the best,” Dani mumbled with a soft laugh. “I loved it when she would lay in my arms.”

“We missed so much from her childhood. I wish we got more years,” Jaime said, her voice cracking as her cries came through a bit more. “But I am so grateful for the years we got. She is one of the best things that ever happened to me. So, let’s toast Toni. She deserved so much more good than she received. But I’m hopeful that we gave her some of that during her time here.”

“To Toni,” Owen and Hannah said as they extended their wine bottles up. 

“To Toni,” Dani mumbled as well before she swallowed more of her wine. “Dead doesn’t mean gone,” the blonde said as her wife sat back next to her.

“Dead doesn’t mean gone,” Jaime agreed as she slowly reached out and grabbed Dani’s hand. “We get to keep her in our hearts forever.”

———

Toni wasn’t sure what spurred her forward, but the sight of the shark fin nearing Rachel sent her running towards the water. 

Maybe it was all those years she spent without people who loved her. Maybe it was finally finding this group that she could call her own. Maybe it was realizing that losing Rachel might be the last thing needed for them to just stop trying to survive. 

Toni needed to save Rachel as badly as she needed to get home. But since she could only control one of those things, she tried her damn hardest to come through. 

“Toni!” Shelby hollered after her as she chased Toni down the beach. 

“Rachel!” Nora and Martha were screaming a few paces behind, hoping to garner the attention of the still floating girl.

It was when Toni started to swim that she saw the attack happen. One minute Rachel was on her back, the next she was being swallowed by the water.

“Rachel!” Toni screamed past a mouthful of water. She forced herself under the swell of a wave and looked through bleary and stinging eyes under the water.

She saw a blur, unclear and hazy, but still distinctly Rachel and the animal that had caught a hold of her. 

Toni fought the current and eventually got to Rachel as the shark tried to pull her down.

Panicking for a single, frantic moment, Toni thought of what to do. Then she remembered a terrible movie that Jaime made her watch. A movie where someone was getting attacked by a shark and they knew how to get it to release its bite.

Without a second thought, Toni reached forward and dug her thumb into one of the eyes of the shark. She wasn’t even sure how she managed to get her aim right, but she wedged her finger in on the first try and felt an unsettling squelch give way as she pierced its eye.

By shear luck, it worked. The shark relinquished its bite and moved to swim away. Toni knew she had to act fast, though, because the blood pouring from Rachel’s arm was likely to draw him back in. 

Resurfacing with Rachel hooked under her arm, Toni frantically started to kick backwards. They were a good distance from shore; she had a lot of water to cover.

“Hold on, Rach,” Toni said as she kept pulling her friend back. 

Rachel, still in shock, could only gasp and clutch to her right arm. 

Halfway to shore, something brushed past Toni and Rachel’s legs. Neither were brave enough to see what it was, but they were both quick to panic thinking the shark had returned. 

Toni kept a better grip on her panic and tried to move faster, but Rachel went into full hysterics. 

“Get me out! Get me out!” Rachel cried loudly as she began to fight in Toni’s hold.

“I’m trying,” Toni grit out, her head recoiling when Rachel’s left arm swung out. “Rachel, stop!”

“Get me out!”

Toni missed it this time as Rachel’s arm and head flung back at the same time. Suddenly, Toni felt a sharp whack on the left side of her head followed by the collision of Rachel’s head against her face. The two hits instantly made her vision blur, and caused all of her limbs to go numb.

Toni thankfully kept swimming, but it all felt out of body for her as she finally met the sandbank. As quickly as she the whole scene unfolded, the helping hands of her friends take over with lifting Rachel and Toni was left alone in the water.

Toni took a few steps in the now waist deep water and faltered before collapsing to her knees. She looked at her right hand, through her bleary vision, and saw her hand shaking far worse than before. 

Fuck, no, she was fine. Just tired. Rachel’s swing wasn’t hard enough to give her another concussion. She was okay. She was okay. She was-

“Toni,” Shelby’s voice finally penetrated her cotton stuffed ears. “Baby, look at me.”

Toni tried. She desperately tried to look at her girlfriend’s eyes. But she couldn’t force herself to. All she could focus on was the feeling of her stomach shifting uncomfortably before she lurched and threw up into the water below her. 

“Toni,” Shelby said again, her hands now cupping Toni’s cheeks. 

“I not… mmm,” Toni slurred, her words, or lack thereof, surprising her back into silence. “Rachel,” she managed to say properly.

“Dottie is taking care of her. Now tell me if you’re hurt.”

Toni wanted to tell her about her head. Tell her that Rachel accidentally hit her way harder than she had expected and that everything was numb now. But she couldn’t. Because her words weren’t working. And her legs weren’t working. And her hand wasn’t working. 

Everything wasn’t working. 

Just as Shelby went to help Toni stand up, the body of the smaller girl tensed significantly. 

“Toni?” Shelby asked as she found herself dropping Toni back into the water. 

Then the shaking started. 

Toni felt herself black out as her head sunk back below the waves.

———

There was some catharsis to their private goodbye bonfire. Dani, despite letting Jaime toast their daughter, felt some semblance of peace after hearing the words that needed to be said. 

For the first time in a long time, she didn’t crawl into Toni’s bed until dinner was ready. Instead, she actively joined Jaime, Owen, and Hannah in the kitchen and tried to immerse herself in their company. 

And for the briefest of moments, Dani invited the distraction in. She let herself feel something other than sadness and while the hurt was still there, she had a semblance of healing appear too. 

Jaime seemed a bit lighter too. She even attempted a joke or two at Owen’s expense. Though, it was safe to say she was teetering close to drunk and had a lot of alcohol in her system to guide her through those jokes. 

As they sat for dinner, Dani briefly worried that this illusion of peace was just that… and illusion. And that as soon as their friends left them, they would revert back to feeling the emptiness that Toni left behind. 

That thought nearly swallowed Dani whole. It almost consumed her until the sound of her phone pinging drew her back out. She reached, instinctively for the device. It was likely another update. Another reminder that the plane was still lost and, therefore, so was her daughter’s body. 

But Dani still looked. She still opened her phone and read the message that was far different from the rest.

“Jaime,” she said slowly, a lump settling in her throat and making it almost impossible to continue. “Jaime,” she said again, gaining her wife’s attention. 

“What is it, love?” Jaime asked, eyebrows furrowing when she noticed that Dani was looking at a message on her phone. 

“They found the plane.”

“They did?” Jaime asked, her eyes welling with tears. 

Dani nodded her head as words were impossible to formulate now. 

They found the plane - it was in the middle of the pacific but they found it - which meant that they’d find the bodies soon. 

Which meant that Toni would be coming home.

They found the plane in the middle of the pacific. 

Which meant Toni was really dead. 

It meat that she was really gone.

———

Shelby briefly panicked when Toni started to convulse and slipped from her grip entirely. She almost locked up with fear when she realized that Toni needed her to stay calm and take control because she was clearly unable to in that moment. 

“Help!” Shelby managed to scream as she re-hooked her arms under Toni’s armpits and began to drag her still convulsing body higher up onto the beach. Toni was seizing - a sure sign that whatever happened on the water made her concussion worse. 

Leah joined Shelby in her efforts to move Toni from the water. She was now covered in Rachel’s blood, but Shelby was hardly fazed by the sight. 

They’d already seen too much on the island. Blood wasn’t something that irked her anymore. 

“What happened to her?” Leah asked once they got high enough on the sand and Shelby dropped her half of Toni back down. Leah watched as the blonde shifted Toni onto her side and allowed her to ride through the seizure.

“Her head,” Shelby explained as she cradled Toni’s head to keep it from hitting the ground. “She must’ve hit it again.”

“Fuck,” Leah breathed as she looked around their camp. A few feet away, Dot was tying a tight tourniquet around Rachel’s mangled hand. To her credit, Rachel had calmed down as much as possible since panicking would only make the blood loss worse. 

Either way, Leah knew that having one girl with a near ripped off hand, and another one with a concussion so severe it was making her seize was far from ideal. 

“Go help Rachel,” Shelby said when Toni’s shaking slowed a bit.

“Dot’s got it-,”

“She’s coming round. I’ll call you if I need you,” Shelby promised as she continued to keep her gaze locked on Toni. 

Leah left the two of them after that, allowing Shelby to focus solely on talking Toni out of whatever just happened.

“You’re okay, baby. Just take it slowly,” Shelby eased as she watched Toni’s eyes blink open. 

“Wha..t.. shel…?”

“It’s okay,” Shelby whispered when Toni’s slurred speech failed to really make much sense. “You’re gonna be okay.” 

“Shel-,” Toni tried again as she tried to look up at Shelby. The blonde kept her on her side, however, in hopes of keeping her head steady. “Wan…mo..oms,” Toni forced out the words as tears started trickling down her cheeks. 

Shelby couldn’t blame her girlfriend. It was scary seeing Toni this way, she didn’t want to even imagine what it was like to be experiencing it. 

It also broke her heart that she couldn’t give Toni what she wanted. She couldn’t get Dani and Jamie to fix this. So, she had to step up and offer as much support as she could. 

“Ra-ch?” 

“You saved her,” Shelby promised before she snuck a quick glance over her shoulder. Thankfully, Rachel was still conscious. “You saved her, babe.”

Now Shelby desperately needed someone to help her save Toni.

Day 31.

Everyone was on edge after the shark attack. Rachel was weak from blood loss and what was starting to look like an infection on her wrist, and Toni was really feeling the effects of what was likely her third concussion in less than a month. 

Nora mainly took control over caring for Rachel. She made sure her sister was eating and drinking enough and tended to the wounds with the occasional help from the other girls. 

Shelby latched herself to Toni’s side. While Toni’s speech had improved significantly since her seizure, she was still struggling with her right hand and had yet to walk independently. Her concussion also made her too nauseous to keep any food down, so she was nearing day four without food in her system. 

Despite her broken relationship with her faith, Shelby found herself praying a lot more. She prayed for Rachel to keep healing and to avoid infection and she prayed for Toni to recover from her head injury. When Toni slept, Shelby prayed and after some time she realized just how much she isolated herself from the other girls. 

Well, they all really kept to themselves at this point; everyone was too scared to talk about anything really. It was like they were all holding their breaths.

It was getting dark now. Shelby hated when it got dark. Sleep hardly found her anymore as she was constantly trying to keep a close eye on Toni for any changes. Just before Shelby could allow her anxiety over having to go through another night consume her, she noticed Leah approaching.

“How is she?” Leah asked as she settled a pile of firewood by the fire and took a seat next to Shelby who was cradling Toni’s head in her lap.

“Tired,” Shelby mumbled as she stroked Toni’s hair back a bit. 

It was true. Toni slept most of the time now thanks to the concussion. 

“And you?” Leah asked as she wrapped her arms around her legs and rested her chin onto her knees. 

Shelby puffed out a small laugh and glanced over at Leah with wet eyes. 

“I want to go home.”

Leah smiled sadly and grabbed Shelby’s hand, giving it a tight squeeze. 

“Me too,” Leah agreed.

“Do you think… do you think they’re going to ever find us?” Shelby whispered the question as she looked at the fire. 

“You want my honest answer?” Leah asked, making Shelby smile a bit and shake her head in the negative.

“Not really.”

“In that case, I’m sure somebody will be here any moment to get us off this island.”

Shelby got a good laugh from that. 

And while she knew it was joke, she couldn’t help but desperately wish for Leah to be right. 

———

Jaime felt like she’d been holding her breath ever since Dani revealed that the plane had been tracked. 

She wasn’t entirely sure why, but part of her assumed that it was an underlying hope of finally receiving closure. If they found the plane and found Toni’s body, then maybe she wouldn’t spend so many nights wondering if that gnawing feeling her chest was right and that her daughter was out there alone and begging for someone to find her. Maybe it would end that small nightmare she was living in and give her the peace she needed to finally accept the reality she desperately didn’t want to. 

The morning that a crew were being sent to the tracked site, Jaime got up with the sun. 5am and with nothing to do but wait.

Dani was no better; she hadn’t slept a wink if Jaime assumed correctly. So, they sat at the kitchen table together. Quiet. Processing. Waiting. 

No news would come to them for a while. They likely wouldn’t even hear about the bodies until the next day. But doing anything else except looking at their phones expectantly seemed impossible. 

So they sat.

And waited. 

And silently held on to that small bit of hope that maybe, just maybe, their daughter was still alive somewhere out there.

———

It was almost sunset. 

It was almost sunset, and Rachel had taken a turn for the worse - she lost full feeling in her fingertips and, despite Dot’s desperate efforts to continuously massage blood into them by rubbing her palm, they were paling significantly. 

It was almost sunset, and Toni woke up screaming. 

Not from a nightmare - though they’ve all had a fair share of those moments - but rather from her pain. 

“It hurts,” Toni sobbed as she clutched her head and burrowed as deeply as she could into Shelby’s lap. 

It was almost sunset, and the girls were losing hope. Because no one knew how to save a nearly torn off hand; and no one knew how to fix an injury below the surface. 

Panic had ensued, despite everyone’s best efforts to remain calm. They knew panicking wasn’t going to help the two girls who needed them to be strong, but what else were they supposed to do? They were in the most compromised position they have ever been and now their friends were dying.

Their friends were dying…

“I’m gonna die,” Toni whimpered as she dug her nails into her hairline.

“Don’t say that!” Shelby grit out as she fought back her tears and tried to help her girlfriend through the pain. 

“I’m gonna die,” Toni persisted. “Something’s really wrong.”

Shelby looked at their friends hopelessly. 

“What do I do?” She asked, almost pleadingly.

Fatin could only shrug and shake her head. “We don’t… There’s nothing-.”

“Baby, look at me,” Shelby sniffled as she held Toni’s head in place and forced her girlfriend to meet her eyes. “Look at me,” the blonde pleaded when the hazy, unfocused eyes failed to meet hers. “I’m right here.”

“Shelby,” Toni whimpered as she finally - finally - managed to match her gaze. “I’m scared,” she whispered right after as her breathing picked up.

“You’re going to be fine,” Shelby said, though she felt the lie. None of them were going to be okay. “Hey!” She said a bit more firmly when Toni started to dissolve into a fit of tears again. “You are going to be fine.”

“I want to go home,” Toni pleaded. “I want my moms.”

“I know, baby,” Shelby whispered as she leant forward and condensed the space between their heads even further.

It was just them. No one else. 

“What’s the first movie we’re going to watch with your moms when we get out of here?” Shelby asked as she gently started to massage Toni’s temple with fingers. 

Toni sniffled and tried to slow her breathing to respond.

It took her a minute, but then:

“Inside Out.”

Shelby fought a wet laugh and furrowed her eyebrows.

“Why that one?” 

“It makes mom cry,” Toni said, allowing a pained chuckle to leave her lips.

“Don’t you think she’s gonna cry enough when she sees you again?”

“You didn’t let me finish. It’ll make her cry, but then she’ll hug me really… really close… and I… I miss…” Toni’s words tapered as her eyes started to fall shut. 

“Hey, don’t doze off on me,” Shelby said in the lightest tone she could. With how much pain Toni was in just a few minutes ago, something told Shelby that sleep was the opposite of what was needed right now. 

“Sorry,” Toni managed to mumble. Her speech was slurring again. She felt that same cotton ear feeling like she did after the shark attack. “Shelby?” 

“Yeah, my love?” Shelby mumbled.

“I don’t wanna… die here.”

“Who said anything about dying?” 

“It’s not okay. I… my head-.”

“It’s just a nasty concussion. A real nasty one that needs time and love to help it heal.”

“Shelb-,”

Toni was cut off by the sound of something in the distance. 

Sharp, clipped, almost beating. It sounded nothing like the noises of nature they’d been immersed in for the last month. 

Nothing like the birds and waves and the cries.

It sounded like a…

“Holy shit…” Fatin mumbled.

“Holy shit!” Dot exclaimed.

“It’s a helicopter!” Martha enthused. 

“We’re going home!” Leah and Fatin cheered. 

“We’re going home!” Shelby agreed as she tore her eyes away from Toni and looked up at the approaching chopper. “Baby, we’re-.”

Shelby felt Toni stiffen before she saw her. She felt the head on her lap grow almost heavy as Toni started to convulse like she did a few days before. 

“No! Not now!” Shelby yelled at Toni as she turned her onto her side and tried to hold her steady. “Not now!” 

“We’re here!” The other girls yelled as they jumped and waved their arms in hopes of getting the helicopter to see them. “We’re here!” 

“Baby, they’re here. They’re finally here. We’re going home.”

Toni just kept shaking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did the plane crash! And the shark attack! Because why not? 
> 
> Also, pt 2 gets messy, so there's that to look forward to. 
> 
> But this was a marathon to write, and I'm really excited that I finally got to share it with you all. I know I keep promising eventual fluff, but after writing this I think I owe you guys some easy reading. The next update will be just as angsty (if not more), but then chapter 12 will be tooth-aching fluff.
> 
> Thanks for all the love and support! I hope I did the unsinkable eight some justice here. It was fun writing some of those interactions when things weren't too serious on the island. 
> 
> More to come for these girls - I promise!
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	11. the one where the unsinkable eight survive pt.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Survival on an island wasn't easy. Survival back home proves to be just as difficult.

i.

It was 3am when they received the call. 

“Is this a parent of Toni Clayton-Taylor?” The voice on the other end asked as Dani tried to regain her senses and verbally agree to the question.

“Yeah… here. Sorry, what’s going on?” Dani asked as she briefly glanced at Jaime who was stirring beside her. 

Neither knew what to expect with this call. The plane was found bodiless a few hours prior. Their best bet; the bodies were lost at sea. So what more was there to say?

“There was an island not too far from the crash site. We sent a chopper to investigate and the girls… they’re alive, ma’am.”

Dani felt herself stop breathing. She felt all the air escape her lungs as a scream threatened to follow. 

“Dani?” Jaime asked as she looked between her wife and the phone that had fallen from her grasp. “Dani, you’re scaring me-.”

“She’s alive,” Dani said as a tear tracked down her cheek. “Our baby’s alive.”

Jaime froze too. How was one supposed to respond when they learnt that their child who went down in a plane crash 32 days prior… was alive. 

“Toni’s alive?” Jaime asked as she too started to cry.

“She’s alive,” Dani managed to say past a sob.

The man on the phone long forgotten, Dani and Jaime started to cry in earnest as they reached to hold each other. Alive, alive, alive.

Toni was alive! 

Their noise must’ve been something substantial, and probably frightening, because Owen and Hannah both bursted into their room a few seconds after they started crying.

“What’s going on?” Hannah asked as she worriedly approached her friends.

“Toni’s alive!” Jaime exclaimed as a smile started to come to her face.

“What?” Owen and Hannah asked in unison. 

“Someone called-,” Dani started to say before she remember who’d she’d abandoned on the other line. “Shit!” 

Quickly, the blonde picked her phone back up and held it to her ear.

“Are you still there?” She asked as she sniffled and wiped her cheeks. 

“Still here,” the man assured her. 

“Are you sure it’s her?”

“Certain.”

“And Shelby?” Dani followed up with; the ball reforming her her throat. 

“Alive as well. All the girls were accounted for except for Jeanette.”

Dani felt the ache return a bit. That could’ve been her kid. 8 out of 9 made it and she could’ve been the one receiving that horrible call to reveal that truth. 

But the rest of the girls, the ones that they have taken in and loved when they felt like no one else would, were alive. They could be grateful for that.

“Are they okay? Where are they?” Dani asked next as her brain finally caught up with the situation. There was so much to ask.

“I’m not sure about their medical states at the moment. All I know is that the girls are being air lifted to Sharp Memorial Hospital in San Diego. When they arrive someone will coordinate with you and relay any medical information regarding Toni.”

“Okay,” Dani breathed out as she continued to clutch to Jaime’s hand. 

“Where is she?” Jaime asked her wife who nodded at the final words of the man on the other line. 

“Thank you,” Dani said before hanging up and looking at Jaime, Owen, and Hannah. “They’re bringing her to San Diego. We have to go.”

Jaime didn’t need to be told twice. 

Two hours later, they were on the next flight out to San Diego.

ii.

Toni startled back into consciousness. 

She had expected to see blue sky. Or clouds. Or palm leaves. Or Shelby. 

Shelby. Shelby. _Shelby._

But all she saw was an alarming blurs of bright lights overhead, and the occasional movement of a person in her peripheral. 

It was frightening. Almost foreign. So Toni moved to sit up; to see where she was and to find where her friends went. But she was strapped down - stuck looking at the lights and ceiling and figures.

She couldn’t stop herself from crying out. Nor could she stop herself from sobbing loudly when more pressure met her efforts to move.

“You need to stay calm,” a voice said, stern yet warm. “You can’t move, Toni.” 

Who was talking to her? How did they know her name? 

“Mom,” Toni croaked out, almost pleadingly as she continued to struggle. “Want-mom.”

“Your mom is on her way,” the same voice reassured. “Toni, listen to me, you’re at the hospital-,”

“Want mom!” Toni continued crying. Her head was hurting again. Worse than before. And she felt like she was going to be sick.

Correction, she _was_ going to be sick. 

“Onto her side,” someone said as the movement briefly stopped and the pressure was alleviated. Toni was turned onto her side, though she remained in a stiff position, as the vomit that had collected at the back of her throat came pouring out into an awaiting bowl. 

Toni coughed and spewed what little she had in her system and then gagged some more because the movement had made her _that_ nauseous. 

“Let’s get her in for testing,” another voice said before she was set back onto her back and the moving proceeded.

Finally, amid her very blurry vision, Toni could make out the face of the warm sounding nurse. 

“You’re a strong girl, Toni.”

Really? Because she certainly didn’t feel like it. 

iii.

They arrived in San Diego at 1pm Vermont time, 11am California time. 

A thirteen minute taxi ride later, and they found themselves at the entrance of the hospital that Toni was said to be at. 

Hurriedly, the mothers tracked down the first front desk they could. While their franticness was first met with displeasure, the man working the desk soon switched gears when they revealed themselves as the parents of one of the plane crash survivors. 

“Right this way,” he directed as he led them to the elevators.

On the fourth floor, the man brought them to a station where nurses were milling around. 

“They’re here about one of the girls,” he said, almost in a secret fashion, though both women heard him.

The nurse who received the news glanced at Dani and Jaime and nodded before setting a smile on her face. 

“If you could come with me-,”

“Can’t we just see our daughter?” Jaime asked, her voice almost a desperate whisper. A plea. Her kid. That was all she needed.

“There’s a small briefing we’re supposed to do. Just a quick rundown on what we know so then you’re as prepared as possible going in,” the nurse explained as she motioned for them to follow once more. “I’ll be as quick as possible.”

Dani and Jaime relinquished. 

One quick meeting and then Toni.

A few more minutes and then they’d get what they wanted.

iv.

Toni woke up again with less pressure everywhere. Her body didn’t feel strapped down anymore and her head felt less like it was going to explode.

There was just a numb ache. 

She swallowed thickly and licked at her dry lips. Whatever she was wearing felt itchy on her sunburnt skin. 

And she was cold. Really fucking cold. 

Her discomfort made her strain. Probably more than necessary, but still, Toni fought to sit up. Just as quickly as she tried, a set of hands were gently pressing down on her shoulders. 

“Easy now,” a voice, the warm one from before, said. “You’ve gotta take it slow.”

Toni tried to talk. Tried to say something. But her words didn’t work. 

Why didn’t her words work?

Glancing as much as she could from her slightly elevated position, Toni looked down at her right hand. It was still shaking. But it wasn’t worse.

So why were her words gone?

Toni managed to grunt. It wasn’t a lot, but it was something.

“You might feel a bit foggy. You just got out of surgery not too long ago.”

Another grunt. 

“It’s okay if its hard to find your words. That happens sometimes. Just take a few deep breaths, honey.”

Her moms. Toni wanted her moms.

Yes, this nurse was nice and trying to keep her calm. 

But Toni wanted her moms. The moment she saw them would be the moment that she knew this was real. 

“M..o…mmm,” Toni managed to sound out, making the nurse smile slightly. 

“They’re coming.”

v.

The de-briefing wasn’t long. The nurse explained that 32 days of survival would cause a lot of behavioural changes. That it was advisable for them to consider getting Toni a therapist.

“She’s got one,” Jaime assured. 

Limited food caused significant weight loss. There was sun damage to her skin. PTSD from the crash. And her head… Toni was in rough shape because, from what the nurses could gather from the other girls, she had hit her head more than once.

“She had a ruptured aneurysm. The doctor clipped it in surgery, but she’ll be up in the NSICU for a few days.”

Her injuries have already caused notable audio, visual, and dexterity issues.

Rehab was mentioned. Toni would need to relearn how to use her body since the aneurysm might’ve caused her to forget. 

Patience.

“You need a lot of patience in these upcoming months. You’ve got your daughter back but she is not the same girl from a month ago.”

And while it was scary to hear all of the things that were wrong, Dani forced herself to remember how much worse it felt when she thought her daughter was dead.

She’d take Toni like this; different from her former self but alive. 

“Can we see her now?” Dani asked, making the nurse smile kindly. 

“Come with me.”

vi.

Despite the whole world being fuzzy, Toni could focus on one solid thing. 

The door. 

It was open, allowing for the sounds from the nurses station to float in. And the fluorescent lights which were off in her space but on on the outside leaked in through the open door. They made her head hurt, but she didn’t dare ask for it to be shut.

She was watching it intently because any moment now (if she were lucky) her moms would walk in. 

They would round the corner, peak into the frame, and look at her.

And she would no longer be looking at the door frame, but she’d be looking at them instead.

And they would all look at each other; remember what they looked like and what’s changed. But then they’d hug her.

So Toni watched the door frame until she saw the movement.

Eventually - _finally_ \- she did.

vii.

Dani had to stop herself from running. She had to stop herself from telling the nurse to walk faster as she guided them through the hospital.

She had to force herself accept the pace they were moving at. 

Slow but steady. Slow but steady.

“In here,” the nurse said as she turned towards an open door.

Dani and Jaime moved faster then. They slipped past the nurse, stepped towards the doorway, and froze.

In the bed, not ten feet away from them, was their daughter.

Sunburnt and covered in scratches and bruises with a thick bandage around her head, but their daughter nonetheless. 

It had been 32 days of pain. 32 days of not knowing and praying for a miracle. 32 days of hurting. 32 days of suffering.

32 days without Toni.

And now:

Dani and Jaime rushed forward as Toni started to cry. Because that ache they felt before was resounding in their chests now and for the first time in a long time they could satiate the ache by doing what they needed to do. 

They went to comfort their daughter.

Dani and Jaime, on either side of their kid, wrapped their arms around her in someway and just… breathed.

They breathed, and they cried, and they held onto each other because they were finally - _finally_ \- able to do so.

Toni was mumbling past her sobs. She was trying to make words and express everything, but she couldn’t. Dani and Jaime knew she couldn’t because the nurse already warned them of the lasting consequences of her aneurysm.

Not wanting Toni to grow frustrated, Dani lent back from the embrace and cupped the peeling cheeks of her little girl.

“Shh,” Dani gently encouraged as she watched the hot, desperate tears travel down Toni’s face. “It’s okay now. You’re safe. You’re here.”

“Mmm…aamm…aaa,” Toni managed to moan out past a sob. The elongated cry made the ache in Dani worse.

“Right here, sweet girl.”

“Mmmoo…mmm,” Toni said next, causing Jaime to pull back from the hug and look at their daughter’s face.

“We’ve got you,” Jaime reassured. 

viii.

Toni’s head injury and recent surgery didn’t allow for her to stay awake for very long. Within the hour of her reunion with her moms, she was passed out once more; though this time she maintained a strong grasp on Dani’s arm, effectively keeping the blonde beside her. 

“You should go check on Shelby,” Dani suggested as she watched Jaime pace by the door once more. They had closed it to cut some of the outside noise from bothering Toni, but they were both on edge with how cut off they felt from the other girls. Shelby especially. “I would go with you but…”

Jaime nodded her understanding. Dani wasn’t going anywhere until Toni woke up and released her arm. 

“I’ll go see if there’s a way to get them a combined room too.”

“Give her a kiss for me,” Dani requested as her wife opened the door.

“Of course. Call me if she wakes up.”

Jaime waited for Dani to nod before she slipped out of the room and neared the nurses station. She inquired where Shelby was being kept and then made the trip two floors down. Three hallways later, Jaime arrived at an open door similar to the way she did with Toni.

Slowly, almost tentatively, Jaime knocked on the doorway before poking her head in to see Shelby pushing around some food on a tray.

The blonde’s head snapped up and almost instantly she was crying and scrambling to get out of the bed.

“Hey, slow down,” Jaime rushed forward and met the teen before she could amble off of her bed and onto the floor. “It’s okay,” Jaime reassured when Shelby hugged her tightly and started sobbing into her neck. “You’re okay now.”

Shelby cried all of her fears and frustrations from the island into the arms of the woman that felt like the closest thing to a mom to her. She allowed the last 32 days to leave her entirely as she gripped to the cotton shirt of Jaime and inhaled the very familiar scent of one of her favourite people.

She allowed herself to fall apart until she remembered the state she saw her girlfriend in last.

“Toni? Where’s Toni?” Shelby asked frantically as she pushed back and looked behind Jaime at the doorway.

“Two floors up. She had surgery not too long ago so she’s recovering. Are you okay? Anything broken?” Jaime asked worriedly as she cupped Shelby’s cheeks and brushed away some of the tears. 

“No, no, I’m fine. She was- seizing and… fuck, I thought I was gonna lose her-,”

“The doctor said she’ll be fine. She needs a bit of therapy to help with her movement and speech but you know our girl: she’s tough enough to handle anything the world throws at her.”

“Jaime,” Shelby whimpered as she wrung her hands together. It had been 32 days of stress for Shelby. It had been stressful for all the girl, but more so for Shelby who felt like she owed it to the people back home to keep Toni alive. A task, which felt nearly impossible at the end.

“I’m so happy you’re alive,” Jaime said when Shelby failed to continue. She pulled the girl back into her arms again and pressed a kiss to the side of her head. “I thought I lost my girls,” Jaime whispered as tears coated her cheeks and her words.

Shelby would only cry a bit harder and grip to Jaime again. 

They were finally safe. And she was back with her family.

ix.

Having two kids in the hospital meant that Dani and Jamie had to divide their time. 

Until Toni was out of the intensive care, which wasn’t for another week, they couldn’t put the girls in the same room. So, Dani and Jaime were playing a rough game of swaps.

Every two hours they’d trade off on which kid they sat with. They did their best, however, to align some of the things the girls needed to do in order to make sure neither of them got lobbed with doing double the work.

On the second day, the nurses expressed that both Shelby and Toni were in need of washing up. Their skin needed to be treated for sun damage and they couldn’t do that while they had residual blood and sand on them.

Dani decided to help Shelby clean up since Jaime expressed some concern over the girls extremely matted hair. Dani had a better idea on how handle tangled hair so she readily accepted the task. 

Jaime was relieved to take Toni on because a nurse already washed her hair in surgery and she only needed a bath to clean the rest of her skin. 

The only trouble with Toni was the physical demand it took to move her. 

Her limbs were still hard for her to control. Not to mention, having just had her aneurysm clipped the day before, Toni’s head was killing her. 

Jaime had to do a lot of the heaving lifting as a nurse hovered nearby with a wheelchair to help move Toni to the bath.

Toni tried to fight the movement at first. She grumbled and pushed against Jaime who held her securely around the shoulders. And when her fighting didn’t stop the movement she started to cry because holding her head up made her feel sick.

Jaime felt torn apart by the cries of her kid. She didn’t want to cause her more pain than necessary, but Toni was peeling all over and some of her burns had started to scab. If she wasn’t treated for her sun damage then she would scar and Jaime didn’t want her kid to live with more physical reminders of her trauma than necessary.

So the bath was a must. And so was moving Toni. 

“You’re doing so well!” Jaime encouraged past Toni’s cries as the teen clung to her. “Almost off the bed,” she explained as she tugged Toni’s legs over the edge of the bed and readjusted her grip so she could hoist Toni up. 

The cry that escaped Toni when she was lifted to her feet was something Jaime never wanted to hear again. She nearly set her back down to stop the cries but decided to make the final twist and set Toni onto the wheelchair instead.

The movement was too much, though. It hurt and it exhausted her. It made her stomach curl and before Jaime or the nurse could recognize it, Toni was lurching forward and bringing up the breakfast she tried to eat a few hours earlier. 

Now sitting in a wheelchair, vomit on her chest and lap, Toni felt downright miserable. She felt so out of her control. And Toni hated being out of control.

This time this hatred didn’t manifest as anger, though. She knew she wasn’t physically capable of destroying anything.

No, this time it came up as heartbreak. Toni started to sob in shame as she refused to meet the gaze of her concerned mom and nurse.

“It’s okay, baby,” Jaime cooed as she took a tissue and wiped Toni’s chin. “We’re gonna get you cleaned up anyway. It’s okay.”

Toni could only shake her head. She felt even greater shame when her nurse undid her hospital gown and started to pull it off her. 

Jaime was quick to replace the gown with a blanket, which helped to keep some of Toni’s modesty.

“Mommy,” Toni sobbed when the blanket was set over her shoulders. 

“I’m here,” Jaime reassured as she cupped Toni’s cheeks. “Look at me, baby. I’m right here.”

Toni met Jaime’s eyes and looked into the sincere eyes of her mom for a moment. 

“It hurts, mommy,” Toni mumbled.

“We’ll make this quick then. Alright?”

With the help of the nurse, Jaime managed to get Toni to the bathroom where they already pre-filled the tub with hot water. 

In a similarly painful fashion, Jaime eased Toni from her wheelchair and into the tub.

“There we are,” Jaime eased as she reached for a cup and started to scoop water onto Toni’s back and chest. “Doesn’t that feel good?” 

Toni relaxed a bit into the warmth of the water and managed a weak nod. 

“See. You’re alright, my love. Let’s just sit here for a bit.”

Together, mother and daughter sat in their silence and allowed all the tension that entered them from before to melt away. 

Eventually, Jaime began to scrub medical smelling soap over Toni’s peeling skin. And with the gentle washing, Toni felt like the weight of the island began to fall away with the caked on sand and dirt that was lifted from her skin.

Tears began to dribble down her cheeks as she wrapped her arms around her knees and tried to hide there.

“Talk to me, baby,” Jaime whispered as she kept on washing Toni’s fingers. “What’s going on in that beautiful head?” 

Toni couldn’t form a coherent thought. There were no words for her trauma. 

“Okay,” Jaime eased as she set down the sponge she was using. “You don’t have to talk about it. But I’m here now. Anything you want or need I’ll try to give it to you.”

Toni glanced up at Jaime and tried to quell a sob as she shook her head.

“I just... want - a hug,” Toni whimpered.

“Oh, baby,” Jaime whispered before she wrapped her arms around her kid. Never mind the fact that she was all wet and soapy. Jaime would climb into the fucking tub if she had to.

All that mattered was Toni. And right now, Toni needed to be held.

So that’s what Jaime would do. She would hold her kid.

———

Shelby was in a more physically independent state than Toni. By the time Dani arrived at her room, the blonde had already moved herself to the restroom where she was sat in front of the mirror with a brush in her hand.

Or at least, Dani thought it was in her hand. When she approached she realized that the girl actually had the brush tangled in her hair. It looked pretty wrapped up in there, but it would be an easy fix.

Dani had had her fair share of stuck brushes in her hair before.

What would prove to be the challenge was Shelby’s disdain for the situation. Just as Dani entered the bathroom, Shelby began to angrily yank on the brush in an attempt to free it. The action looked painful enough to spur Dani forward to stop her.

“Hey, hey gentle. It's okay,” Dani promised as she gently grabbed Shelby’s hands to stop the pulling.

“It’s stuck!” Shelby yelled in exasperation as she fought the hold of Dani. “I don’t want it!”

“I’ll get it out, okay? But you’re going to hurt yourself-,”

“I don’t want it!” Shelby yelled again before a heartbreaking sob broke past her lips. “I don’t want it,” she repeated in an exhausted whisper.

“I can get it out,” Dani promised as she released Shelby’s hands and moved to cup the girl’s cheeks instead. “I promise to get it out.”

“I don’t want it anymore,” Shelby said as she shook her head. “Please, just cut it.”

“Baby, it’s not that bad-,”

“I feel like I’m still on that island!” Shelby interrupted with a pained sob. “Every time I look at myself I see that fucking island and I- I just don’t want it. Please, Dani. Just get rid of it.”

Dani looked into Shelby’s eyes for a long moment. She tried to gauge how much of this was said in a sane state of mind and how much was anxiety induced that would later clear up. Dani didn’t want to do something now that the girl would later regret.

But Shelby was always most honest with her eyes. She said a million things with her one gaze, and right now she was saying that this was the right thing she needed to start healing.

And who was Dani to stop that?

“Where do you want it to?” Dani asked as she released Shelby’s cheeks and stepped behind her to look into the mirror. “Shoulder or chin length-?”

“All of it,” Shelby mumbled a she touched her hairline. “All of it, please.”

Another analytic gaze by Dani before she nodded her agreement. 

“I’m going to track down some clippers,” Dani said before she pressed a kiss to the back of Shelby’s head and left the bathroom.

Not five minutes later, she was returning with the hair clippers and a smile on her face. Leave it to Dani to always be supportive, even when the person before her was on the brink of a meltdown.

“Let’s get this out then,” Dani said as she plugged in the clippers, turned them on, and reached for the first section of Shelby’s hair. 

It only took five minutes to get through the thick of Shelby’s intense matting. An additional five minutes helped to clean the edges along her ears and at the nape of her neck.

As quickly as it started, both women were left looking in the mirror. Their feet were covered with the thick piles of blonde hair that surrounded them.

Shelby reached up and drew a tentative hand over her head. 

With that slight stroke, the young girl felt like a weight was lifted from her. 

Tears started to crawl down her cheeks as she exhaled a breath she never even knew she was holding.

“You look beautiful,” Dani promised as she wrapped her arms around the teen’s shoulders and pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

And for the briefest moment, Shelby felt it.

x.

Toni couldn’t go without seeing Shelby any longer. She loved having her moms, and she knew that her girlfriend was okay via their updates, but she needed to see Shelby. She needed to touch her and know that she was still real and still alive.

“Please,” Toni all but begged on the fourth day as the nurse who checked in on her that morning hung up a new iv bag. “Just let me see her for a minute.”

“You need to rest,” the nurse tried to explain for the umpteenth time. 

“I can’t though. Not without seeing her.”

“Remember what the doctor said, love,” Jaime encouraged softly as she held Toni’s hand. “Tomorrow you girls can see each other again.”

“I got three hours of sleep last night, mom,” Toni reminded before she looked back at the nurse. “I can’t sleep because all I can think about is her. Please, I just need a minute.”

The nurse and Jaime shared a silent conversation. A moment of deciding if this was one of the moments worth bending the rules over. Yes, it was only another 24 hours until the girls could reunite, but Toni had been through hell and back those last few days with her rehab. She had worked herself to the point of exhaustion and it was paying off but it was clear Toni needed more incentive to keep going.

She needed to see Shelby and remember what her progress was helping her achieve. 

“Let me track down the doctor and see what she has to say,” the nurse finally relented before she turned to leave. 

Twenty minutes later, the doctor was entering with a pleasant smile on her face.

“How’re we feeling today, Toni?”

“Good,” Toni lied in hopes that a positive response would get her to see Shelby.

“And the honest answer?” The doctor asked as she used her pen light to check on Toni’s pupils.

“I’ve just got a small headache. I didn’t sleep so well last night.”

“That’s expected. Your speech sounds great, though. But I take it you don't want me talking about how you're speaking, huh?" Toni nodded, which earned a chuckle from her doctor. "Well, one of your nurses found me and mentioned that you wanted to see one of your friends from the island?”

“My girlfriend, Shelby,” Toni affirmed with a nod.

“Y’know, I would typically tell my patients to wait until I give the go ahead. But you aren’t a typical patient. You’ve gone through a lot to say the least. If seeing Shelby helps you sleep better then who am I to stand in the way of that?”

“Really?” Toni asked with the first hint of excitement in her voice in a while.

“Mm-hmm. I’ll have one of the nurses from her floor bring her up in a bit.”

It only took five minutes after that interaction for the promise to be fulfilled. 

Shelby, dressed in a hospital gown and wheeling an IV pole alongside her, entered Toni’s room and froze at the sight of her girlfriend.

“Oh thank god,” the blonde eventually mumbled before she took the quick strides needed to get to Toni’s bed. 

Toni pulled Shelby into her arms and cried her relief into her shoulder. 

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” Shelby whimpered as she too soaked Toni’s gown with her tears.

“I’m fine, I’m fine,” Toni reassured before she pressed Shelby back to look her over. “Are you okay? Nothing broken?”

“Nothing broken,” Shelby reassured through a wet laugh.

“Your hair,” Toni mumbled as she drew her left hand over Shelby’s buzz cut. 

“Is it bad?” Shelby asked as she sat herself next to Toni’s hip and settled her hands over her middle.

“No way. You look beautiful. You always look beautiful,” Toni promised as she rubbed her thumb over Shelby’s peeling cheekbone. 

“Fuck, Toni,” Shelby mumbled as more tears filled her eyes. “I thought I almost lost you out there.”

Toni nodded her understanding and pulled Shelby back into her embrace.

“I’m here,” Toni reassured as she pressed a kiss beside Shelby’s ear. 

“Don’t you ever scare me like that again, baby,” Shelby mumbled into the crook of Toni’s neck. “Don’t you fucking dare.”

It was Toni’s turn to laugh. “Never, Shelbs.”

xi.

The unsinkable eight made international news. They were being talked about on all platforms, and it didn’t take long for news outlets to hunt them down for their next top stories.

All girls were required to stay in the hospital for two weeks minimum - malnourishment and sun damage warranted that time. And while most of them were initially against the idea of being stuck for so long, they quickly determined that the hospital had its perks when they looked out their windows and saw the hoard of news outlets trying to get in. At least here, in the safety and privacy of their rooms, they were untouchable. No one could hound them for their stories yet.

On the fifth day, the girls were finally allowed to gather again. The nurses encouraged the regrouping even, which is what brought all of them to Toni’s room.

Her speech had made large improvements, but her movement was... upsetting to say the least.

“Maybe you can get one of those chairs like Stephen Hawking,” Fatin said from her spot at the foot of Toni’s bed. The comment earned her a deep glare from the girl who was huddled against Shelby on the other end of the bed. 

“That’s a dick thing to say, dude,” Dot said despite the laugh that escaped her.

“To be fair, she doesn’t need the speech pad,” Leah pipped up from her place on the room couch, earning some more giggles from the group.

“Well if you get one, I call dibs on first ride,” Rachel said from her place beside Leah.

“Hey, who said you could call dibs on first ride?” Dot protested.

“Call it a sympathy pick,” Rachel replied as she held up her right arm. Despite their best efforts, the doctors couldn’t save her hand. All the girls fell silent at the reminder.

It almost became awkward before Toni cleared her throat, “let’s be real, if I were getting a wheel chair - which I’m not - Shelbs would get first ride.”

The mood shifted back and the girls laughed once more.

“I see how it is, Taylor,” Rachel teased. “Hoes before bros, right?”

“Excuse me, I am not a hoe,” Shelby insisted as she grabbed one of the stacked cardboard bowls from beside the bed and chucked it towards Rachel. Her aim was for shit, though since her right arm was trapped under Toni and her left hand sent the bowl spinning towards Leah instead.

“Woah, not cool!” Leah said when she caught the bowl with her chin. She sent it flying across the room towards Martha and Nora - Nora was deeply invested in braiding Martha’s hair. Both of them had been quietly processing everything and seemed to take solace in each other’s shared decision to not speak as much.

That was until the bowl interrupted their peaceful interaction.

“You guys are gonna make Nora mess up my hair,” Martha groaned as she plucked the bowl from where it landed on her head.

Once more the bowl was sent flying back towards the bed where it landed back in front of Shelby and Toni.

Dani and Jaime happened to walk into the room as Toni shakily moved to send the bowl towards Dot.

“I see someone woke up from their nap and chose violence,” Jaime said with a chuckle as she moved to distribute the smoothies she and Dani brought back for the girls.

“Shelby started it,” Toni blamed as she allowed the bowl to fall back into her lap. “What’re the chances one of those are for me?” 

Dani smiled sympathetically at her kid and shook her head as she approached with a cup of rice pudding.

“Mama,” Toni all but whined. Unlike her friends, Toni was still facing some residual digestion problems. The doctors linked into to her head injury since she couldn’t keep food down those last few days on the island. But for that reason, they needed her diet to remain as plain and restricted as possible as to avoid more vomiting. 

So, Toni couldn’t have a smoothie. Or any good food really. Which was a fucking travesty because now all her friends got to enjoy the food they had missed out on and she got rice pudding.

“Here, sweet girl,” Dani offered as she extended a spoonful towards her kid. She had reclaimed the seat beside the bed while Jaime tasked herself with setting Rachel up with the drink in her left hand. 

“Can I try myself?” Toni almost whispered the question. She knew she shouldn’t be embarrassed by it, but she wanted to prove to her friends that she was getting better too. She wanted to prove to herself that she could handle a spoon still. 

Dani, ever the eager one to get Toni to do small rehab tasks, agreed and handed the spoon over.

The girls in the room tried not to watch as Toni struggled to hold the spoon still. They continued their conversations and didn’t let their gazes linger in hopes of giving Toni the privacy she needed.

The only people watching were Dani, Shelby, and Jaime. 

Toni steadied her breathing as she held the spoon as tightly as she could. Focusing all of her attention on the food it held, she tried to direct it up and towards her mouth.

She was getting there. Her hands started moving in the right direction. But it was at the halfway mark that Toni felt the ache return in her head. And suddenly it felt impossible. The spoon was too far. Her hand was too weak. Her head hurt too much.

But Toni was always too prideful to admit defeat. So, she tried to play it off.

“I’m actually not feeling too great,” Toni lied - but it wasn’t really a lie. Just a bending of the truth. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stomach this,” Toni said as she extended the spoon back to Dani. 

Dani knew not to push. Not now. Not in front of the other girls. Toni needed control and she needed privacy. She could give her that.

It wasn’t until later that night, after the girls were back in their rooms and Jaime had settled with Shelby two floors down, that Toni finally broke.

“I don’t want to be broken, mama,” Toni sobbed as she laid on her side on the bed. Dani, who was still sat in the chair but had shifted forward to rest her head on the bed, simply clicked her tongue and continued her loving combing of her fingers through Toni’s hair.

“You aren’t broken.”

“I can’t even feed myself,” Toni argued as more angry tears tumbled onto her pillow.

“For now. But you’re getting stronger everyday. It wasn’t even two days ago when you couldn’t form full sentences and now look at you.”

“Words are different.”

“How so?” Dani patiently asked as she brushed her fingers down Toni’s peeling nose.

“I don’t need my words as much as I need my body. I can’t live the life I want if I can’t control my fucking hands or legs.”

“Well I don’t know if it helps, but I missed your voice most. I mean, I missed you completely from head to toe, but your voice kept me up at night. So I’m gonna be selfish here and say that I’m glad you got your words back first. Because I will spend the rest of my life helping you do the things you need to do, but I never want to live in a world where I can’t hear you speak.”

Toni’s crying slowed a bit at her mama’s confession. She allowed the words to consume her and soothe the despair she felt towards her loss of body control.

“And, if it's worth anything, I know you’re going to get your movement back,” Dani added after a beat.

“How can you be so sure?” Toni sniffled.

“Because, I’m your mom. We just know these kind of things,” Dani reasoned before she shifted and pressed a kiss to Toni’s forehead. “Plus, you’re Toni Clayton-Taylor, and you never give up.”

xii.

The nightmares were expected. In fact, the psychiatrist who made his rounds with all the girls made it a point to mention to all the parents that the absence of nightmares would suggest greater psychological damage.

Nightmares meant the girls were compartmentalizing and it meant that they were coping. It meant they were healing.

For Toni and Shelby, waking up to either Dani and Jaime was enough. They could rely on the women to help them calm down from their panic and re-ground themselves to the reality that they were safe. 

But tonight, six days after their rescue, Shelby was inconsolable. 

It was Jaime’s night to stay with her, and the second Shelby started thrashing and making noises in her bed, her girlfriend’s mother was at her side.

“Cmon, Shelby. Wake up, love.”

The cajoling was working. Shelby was slipping away from her nightmare and back to reality.

But she still felt trapped in that moment when Toni started shaking in her arms. She felt the fear restrict her throat and she grappled at nothing in hopes of maintaining her hold on her girlfriend. 

When she was fully woke from her dream, Shelby kept crying. She kept crying and pleading for the memories to stop, and for the nightmare to end, and for Toni to stop seizing.

“Toni!” Shelby wailed as she grabbed the sheets around her.

“She’s safe, remember? She’s asleep in her room-,”

“No! Toni,” Shelby continued to sob. Her breaths started coming in short spurts and her eyes looked everywhere except Jaime’s gaze.

“Sweetheart-,”

“I want Toni,” Shelby managed to plead. Nothing in that moment would calm her except the sure sight that her girlfriend - the love of her life who was so close to death - was, in fact, okay and alive.

“We can see her in the morning,” Jaime tried to offer.

“No,” Shelby sobbed harder. “I need her!”

Shelby’s crying eventually reached the nurses station, and it wasn’t long before one of the nurses was entering the room.

“Everything alright?” The woman asked as she went to check Shelby’s monitors.

“I need Toni,” Shelby cried as Jaime continued to soothingly stroke a hand over her head.

“She’s had a pretty rough nightmare and wants her girlfriend,” Jaime explained to the nurse who was unlikely to be in the loop of the situation - or so she thought.

“She’s the girl we’ve got up in the NSICU?” The nurse inquired, proving that the state and location of all the girls had been circulated amongst the staff in the hospital. 

“That’s right,” Jaime agreed, her gaze briefly leaving Shelby so she could look at the pondering nurse.

“Let me make a quick call and see if we can do something,” the woman said before she slipped away.

Shelby continued her exhaustive pleas, but Jaime was thankfully able to wrap her in a hug at one point, which helped sooth some of the chest aching sobs.

Not five minutes later the nurse was returning with a wheelchair.

“So, I made a call to the nurses up on Toni’s floor and they said that she’s been having some trouble sleeping too. What do you say we go pay her a visit?” The nurse suggested. Shelby instantly perked up at the offer and nodded vehemently.

Jaime was a bit surprised with the leniency of the nurses tonight. They had been sticklers for the rules most nights and the second that the clock hit 8pm, all the girls had been forced to stay in their respective rooms. 

But tonight was different. Tonight they got to break those rules.

Jaime held Shelby’s hand as the nurse pushed her in the wheelchair. While Shelby could walk just fine, the nurse didn’t want her to make the trip in her upset state without some support. And while Jaime would expect Shelby to argue the suggestion, she was surprised that the girl agreed and sat herself down on the assistance chair.

It wasn’t long before they were entering Toni’s room. Sure enough, Toni was sitting up in bed while Dani brushed through her hair. 

The bandage, which was supposed to come off in the morning, had clearly been removed prematurely allowing for Toni’s long hair to fall down her back again. 

“Toni,” Shelby whimpered as she pushed herself off the chair and clamboured into Toni’s bed.

“Hey, what’s going on?” Toni soothed softly when her girlfriend fell into her arms.

Dani stepped back and allowed the girls their space. 

“I’ll be back for her in a bit,” the nurse promised Jaime before she slipped out of the room. 

Jaime moved next to her wife and offered her to go for a 2am walk around the halls to allow the girls some privacy.

Together, both women sleepily walked away from the room. Jaime grabbed Dani’s hand and raised her questions about the missing bandage around their daughter’s head.

“She couldn’t sleep. She was itching so bad, so they finally caved and removed them,” Dani explained before motioning back to the room. “And Shelbs?”

“Nightmare. She only wanted Toni.”

Back over at the girls, Toni was surprised to feel just how bad Shelby was shaking in her arms. 

“It was just a nightmare, baby,” Toni tried to reassure, only to earn a weak shake of Shelby’s head in response.

“It wasn’t, though,” Shelby sobbed as she pressed further into Toni’s neck. “It was real. That really happened and you...” 

“I’m still here. Thanks to you, I’m here. We survived, baby. We’re okay now.”

Toni might not necessarily believe those words herself. There was still a lot damage and healing to do, but they were alive. And Toni was holding Shelby. And she was kissing her head. And she was scratching her fingers over her buzzed hair that she endlessly admired when she could. 

And they survived. They did that. Which means that-

“We’re okay,” Toni reaffirmed as she pressed Shelby back slightly so she could meet her gaze. “We’re gonna be okay.”

xiii.

On the seventh day, Toni finally walked. It was awkward and weak and under the support of Jaime, but: She. Could. Walk. 

Jaime, who held Toni close as they slowly made their way to Dani a few paces down the hallway, felt herself starting to cry.

She knew it was selfish to think it, but that moment felt like they got to experience a first of Toni’s that they couldn’t before.

They never got to see their little Toni take her first steps as a baby. But here they were, Jaime supporting their daughter, and Dani encouraging her from afar, and they were watching her walk for the first time.

And the steps, much like a baby, were slow and awkward. They were clumsy and misstepped. But they were new and they were hard earned.

And Toni was doing it! 

So, it felt like a proper first. And Jaime couldn’t stop her tears of joy at being able to see it happen.

xiv.

Near the end of their hospital stay, the girls were all restless. They were practically crawling up the walls with how trapped they felt and all of them desperately wanted to get back to their lives in Vermont.

Thankfully (though, was it really something to be grateful for) Toni and Rachel’s rehabs required the participation of other people. 

Rachel was working on strengthening her left hand and getting acquainted with her new temporary prosthetic while Toni was working on her dexterity and trying to maintain a control on the tremors that coursed through her.

Which is what brought all the girls back to Toni’s room - well Toni _and_ Shelby's room. Toni had finally been moved from the intensive care unit and got moved into Shelby's room just a few days prior. 

Nora, Fatin, and Martha had taken a particular interest in handing Rachel various items and helping her adjust her hold with the prosthetic so then she knew how to get the correct supportive grasp. 

Meanwhile, Dot tasked herself with tossing a hackysack back and forth with Toni. All the while, Shelby and Leah cracked some commentary nearby and kept a steady eye on Toni who was standing independently next to her bed for the game of catch. 

“You’re aim is shit,” Dot remarked as she reached under the couch for a third time to retrieve the ball.

“I meant to throw it there,” Toni said past a laugh. Usually her shit aim would piss her off, but having her friends around made it easier to cope with her new reality. “I like watching you retrieve it like a dog.”

“Bitch,” Dot glowered as she shot the ball back at Toni with wicked speed. 

“Fuck!” Toni groaned when the hackysack clipped her hip and fell to the floor.

“Dottie, play nice,” Shelby warned as she watched her girlfriend wobbly reach down to grab the ball.

“Please, she has the worst arm for the most lesbian non-lesbian out there,” Fatin commented from her place by Rachel. 

“Hey!” Dot protested as she looked over at the other group. “I’ve got a great-,”

Before she could finish, the hackysack was hitting her head, snapping her attention back to Toni.

“Holy shit!” Shelby said excitedly as she looked at Toni who was also a bit shocked with her accuracy.

“Did you just hit me on purpose?” Dot asked, her words void of any anger.

“Fuck, I actually did. I didn’t expect to actually get you,” Toni said as a laugh broke past her lips.

“Atta girl!” Fatin cheered while the other girls joined in.

It was a victory. A small, almost insignificant one since Toni once had the best aim in the whole group, but a victory nonetheless. 

She aimed, tossed, and landed the hackysack where she wanted to. Which meant she was getting her control back.

“Do it again!” Dot encouraged as she tossed back the ball and motioned down her body as if it were a target board. “C’mon, Taylor. Show us what you got.”

“Hit her boob,” Leah encouraged.

“No! Face again!” Rachel said.

“If it’s not her throat I won’t be impressed,” Shelby added.

“Hit her pussy!” Nora said, earning some laughter.

“Get her elbow, Toni,” Martha encouraged.

“I now see only one of you loves me,” Dot said to the group before looking back at Toni. “C’mon, girl. I’m fair game here.”

Toni locked her eyes onto Dots elbow and reeled her arm back.

“I'm going for your elbow,” Toni said before she sent the hackysack flying. It wasn’t fast, or backed with any real power, but there was just enough push that the ball managed to fly straight and hit its desired target.

The room erupted into cheers again when Toni landed the hit, and Shelby was quick to wrap Toni in an embrace.

It felt almost reminiscent to all those times that Toni made a winning shot at a game and all her friends flooded the court. Shelby would grab her and hold her face and kiss her.

Which is what she did now. 

And while there was no basketball court, and no big game, or any real stakes on the line, this win felt just as good.

And Shelby’s kiss felt just as sincere.

“I’m so proud of you,” Shelby mumbled between a kiss as she ghosted her lips over Toni’s. “But seriously, aim for her throat next time.”

xv.

The arrangements to return to Vermont were made two days in advance of the girls’ being discharged from the hospital.

That meant they had two days to mentally prepare for the inevitable. Two days to process and think about what they needed in order to help them get on their flights back home.

For Leah and Martha, they both quickly determined that the only way they could fly was if they were sleeping. Which is what allowed for the psychiatrist to prescribe them some sleeping pills for the journey.

For Dot and Fatin, they agreed that CBD oil would do the trick. And while the Jadmani’s initially protested, Fatin managed to convince them to purchase the oil the day before they were set to travel.

Rachel and Nora claimed to be okay enough to fly so long as they had their music and parents nearby.

And Shelby promised that two melatonin’s and a movie would be enough.

It was Toni who refused to think about it. She didn’t want to process and prepare for the flight because she didn’t want to go on it. Period.

But they had to get home. Her therapist was waiting there for her, as was her new rehab arrangements. And driving was out of the question since her seizures were still in the process of being monitored by her doctors in an effort to adjust her medications until the right combination could be found. 

So, she had to take the plane because she was expected to be at her new doctor’s office the next morning.

But Toni didn’t want to. 

For the two days she downright ignored the very reality that she was going to be on a plane soon and it wasn’t until she was at the lobby of the hospital that she felt the dread fill her.

“Just keep your heads down, alright?” Jaime encouraged both Toni and Shelby as they prepared themselves to step out into the onslaught of reporters. 

“Wait, mom,” Toni tried to protest, but then their large group was moving, and the hospital security was trying to usher them to the vans waiting to take them to the airport.

And Toni was panicking. Because she didn’t get a say in any of this - at least she felt like she didn’t. And she wasn’t ready. 

So, by the time they got in the van, Toni was angry. She was angry at the reporters who wouldn’t leave them alone. At the security for pushing them around. At her moms for forcing her to do things she didn’t want to. And most importantly, at herself for being so scared.

Because this should have been easy. Getting in the car and going to airport shouldn’t make her feel sick.

But it was all so overwhelming. 

So entirely overwhelming.

“Are you okay?” Jaime asked once they had settled in their seats. The older woman reached up to wipe what looked to be a faint tear streak from Toni’s cheek, but she batted her off.

“I’m fine,” Toni bit back, her tone unintentionally harsh. 

Jaime retracted her hand and glanced at Dani who was in the midst of trying to calm a slightly panicking Shelby. 

Both women shared a shrug regarding Toni’s anger and decided to let her be for the time being.

Sometimes Toni needed space above all else, and the ten minute car ride was hopefully enough to give her that.

But her foul attitude remained. Because when she got scared now she apparently got angry too. And Toni didn’t know how to express that to her moms who weren’t trying to hover but wanted to be near her as they navigated the security at the airport.

It wasn’t until they were at their gate and ten minutes from boarding that Toni finally snapped.

“I can’t get on it,” Toni gasped as she felt the walls of the airport close in on her. She stood up from the seat she was in and started to aimlessly walk away from their group.

“I’ve got her,” Jaime reassured before she hurried after Toni who continued gasping for air as she hurried away. “Toni,” Jaime said gently as she reached for her kid’s elbow.

“I can’t!” Toni sobbed loudly, drawing curious eyes from passing passengers. Some seemed to recognize Toni from the news about the plane crash and kept walking for the sake of her privacy, but others seemed interested in watching whatever this meltdown was unfold.

Either way, Jaime didn’t appreciate the staring and quickly ushered Toni towards a private hallway that led to a staff only door. She stopped them short of the door and gently pushed Toni so then her back was against the firm wall.

“Arms up,” Jaime encouraged as Toni continued to gasp for air. “C’mon,” she eased as she helped Toni move her arms towards her head.

“I can’t,” Toni sobbed out again as Jaime started to guide her to the floor.

“Yes you can,” Jaime reassured as she demonstrated her exaggerated breaths.

“Mommy,” Toni practically pleaded. “I can’t.”

Jaime reached up then and held Toni’s cheeks. She held her gaze as she stroked the tears from her face.

“I know it’s scary,” Jaime whispered, which made Toni cry even harder. “I know you don’t trust it. But I'm scared too, baby. And your mama’s scared and so is Shelby, and so are all your other friends. We’re all scared too. But we can’t stay here forever.”

“But there’s cars,” Toni protested, which made Jaime shake her head sympathetically. 

“I know. And maybe if things were different we could have driven. But you are still-,”

“I’m not going to have a seizure in a car!”

“We don’t know that, though,” Jaime said softly. “And until we can get those under control, we can’t afford to be caught off guard on a highway miles away from help.” 

“I don’t want to get on the plane, mommy,” Toni whimpered out, her yelling stopping purely out of the realization that, whether she liked it or not, they were getting on that plane.

“What can I do to help you? What do you need?” Jaime asked as she shuffled a bit closer and pressed her forehead against Toni’s. Having their little space shrink even further seemed to help Toni take the calming breaths she needed. 

“I don’t know,” Toni managed to say as she shook her head.

And Jaime knew that was a fair response. Her kid was overwhelmed and on edge. She was also severely concussed and still a bit foggy. So, Toni didn’t know how to rationalize and make decisions about her own needs. Which meant Jaime had to help her.

“Let’s try this then,” Jaime said as she pulled back and started to tug off her hoodie. “Let’s swap,” she encouraged as she started to help Toni out of her crew neck.

It wouldn’t do much, but Jaime knew that Toni relaxed when she wore hers and Dani’s clothes. She always liked their smell. And smelling meant breathing, which Jaime needed her kid to keep doing.

“Smells good,” Toni mumbled when the hoodie was pulled over her head. She nuzzle her nose into the neck and shut her eyes for a brief moment to sooth herself.

“Good. That’s good. And when we’re on the plane we’ll get you something to sip on to help settle your tummy. And I’ll hold you the entire time, alright?” 

Toni hesitated to nod. She didn’t have a choice, but still her mom made it seem like she did. 

She made her feel like she had a say.

And while the thought of getting on a plane and going down again scared the shit out of her, Toni rationalized that at least her mom would be holding her the whole time. So it was okay. For now.

“We can go,” Toni agreed before she allowed her mom to help her to her feet.

When the two returned to their group, they were all ready to board. 

Martha and Leah were both close to sleep and relying heavily on their parents for support. Dot and Fatin were chilled out significantly. Nora and Rachel were lost in their own worlds. And Shelby was tucked in close to Dani who continued to hold her tightly.

“We’ll be fine,” Jaime reassured as she’s wrapped Toni under her arm and pressed a kiss to her kid’s head.

Toni nodded, but she didn’t believe it. 

xvi.

After her head injury, Toni found herself to be extremely sensitive to noise. Anything loud or repetitive gave her a headache, and during her time at the hospital she knew to avoid those headache triggers as much as possible.

Coming home made it harder to avoid the sounds. 

No longer was she tucked away somewhere isolated and safe. Now she was on planes that roared to life. And in bustling airports that never settled.

She was forcing her way through more crowds of reporters who had stationed themselves outside the airport.

She was holding her head as they drove through traffic to get back home because even the rumbling of the car’s engine was too constant that it made her already aching brain squeeze around itself.

She was hearing the rattle of Jaime’s keys as she tried to unlock the door. Her mom always kept too many on the chain and, while it never bugged Toni before, their jingle hit her ears the wrong way now.

And all the noise - the suffocating sounds that echoed through her exhausted head and never truly left her - should have melted away once they stepped through the threshold of their apartment. Their apartment that was four walls of utter peace should have been quiet.

But they entered the space and noise erupted once more.

Though it wasn’t the roaring or engines or the repetitive noise of endless movement. No this sound was different.

This sound was cheering, and crying, and relief. Sweet, welcomed relief that escaped her honorary aunt, uncles, and cousins. 

And while the noise made Toni’s head ache, the swelling and shared relief that flooded her heart won the war as Hannah wrapped her in an embrace and wept her joy into her shoulder.

And after Hannah came Owen. Then Henry. Then Miles. Then Flora.

“I’m so happy you’re okay,” Flora hand mumbled into their embrace. 

Toni wouldn’t tell her that okay was a reach. And that she wouldn’t be properly okay for a long time. But in this moment, surrounded by the family that had missed her as much as she missed them, Toni started feeling remnants of what it was once like to be okay.

“Me too,” she replied as she squeezed her cousin a bit tighter.

“I made a cake,” Owen pipped up, effectively drawing Toni and Shelby’s attention away from the onslaught of affection. 

“You didn’t have to,” Toni started to say, only to earn a laugh from her uncle.

“You two survived what I’m sure was hell. A cake is the least your deserve.”

Toni glanced at Shelby and puffed out a relieved breath. They did survive hell. And now they were home.

_Really home._

Toni grabbed Shelby’s hand and gave her a smile.

“Cake?” Toni offered, making Shelby smile back.

“Cake.”

xvii.

Sometimes the nightmares were bigger than anyone else. Sometimes they were all consuming, and breathtaking, and almost... murderous.

Sometimes they left Toni unable to catch her breath and blue all over. One time it led to an ambulance being called.

Tonight, a month after their rescue from their island, and two weeks since returning home, it was getting close to being a repeat of the week before when the ambulance was needed. 

Toni was lost in her panic. Sobbing hysterically as she gripped her own chest and tried to quell whatever force within her was forcing the painful cries out. 

And between attempted breaths, she was violently vomiting into the toilet where she had been stationed not a minute ago by a slightly panicking Jaime.

“We should call 911 now,” Dani stressed as Toni released another broken and breathless sob against Jaime’s collarbone as the woman cradled her on the bathroom floor. 

“It’ll only make it worse,” Jaime replied as she continued her firm rubbing of Toni’s back. She was hoping that with enough pressure and consistency she would be able to work her kid down from her panic.

“Look at her!” Dani insisted. She hated seeing Toni so lost in herself. So out of control. So in pain. At least the paramedics could sedate her and stop her pain temporarily. The same couldn’t be said for them here.

“Dani-!”

“Try a bath,” Shelby interrupted what appeared to be a brewing argument between the couple.

“What?” Dani asked as she glanced at the nervous girl who stood at the bathroom doorway. She had her phone illuminated with something, which she extended towards Dani.

“Baths. Sometimes the water helps to calm people. It’s worth a shot-,”

“I’ll try anything. Get the tub going, please,” Jaime said to Shelby who nodded and quickly went to fill it up.

Mid-way through getting the tub filled, Toni threw up again. Though this time her spew missed the toilet and landed over her lap and on Jaime’s flannel.

“It’s okay,” Jaime reassured as she watched her kid struggle to process an apology. “We’ve got the bath coming. It’s alright.”

When it was ready, Jaime helped Toni out of her pyjamas and mustered all the strength she could before she started to stand up with her kid still in her arms.

Dani stepped in and helped her wife get to her feet before they moved and settled Toni in the tub. The shock of being in the water seemed to work instantly and Toni gasped in a large enough breath that finally seemed to reach her lungs.

“Get in with her,” Dani encouraged Jaime when it was clear that their kid wasn’t going to be able to hold herself up. Jaime rid herself of her vomit covered top and got in behind Toni who quickly fell back into her arms.

It took three more minutes for Toni’s cries to quell and simmer down as she finally found some peace in the tub and in her mom’s arms.

“There we are,” Dani encouraged as Toni’s breathing _finally_ sounded like it was back in her control. “Deep breaths.”

Shelby busied herself with grabbing new pyjamas for Jaime and Toni. She didn’t want to interrupt what was looking like a very private family moment. Besides, she knew that Toni needed her moms above all else in that moment. Toni had woken up screaming for them, so Shelby wasn’t about to insert herself when she finally got what she needed most.

For the next hour, Jaime and Dani sat with Toni. They sat with her and held her and reminded her that this was just another hump in their new normal. 

Another hump that they would learn and grow from together.

xviii.

Toni had a love hate relationship with rehab. While she loved getting her strength back and re-gaining control over her body, she would sometimes hit an emotional wall.

Some days were too hard and too painful. All of her dreams that went down with the plane taunted her from a distance and Toni hated it. She hated being so weak and incapable.

Some days she hated rehab, and today was one of those days.

Dani had gone with her that day. She was usually best for Toni on her good days of rehab. Her support was positive and encouraging. She didn’t let Toni dwell on her pitfalls during her sessions and it was usually well received.

Jaime was solid, though. And she was strong when Toni couldn’t be, which meant that Toni liked to have her on the hard days. 

But they never knew what days would be good or bad. It was usually just luck that had Jaime on the days that Toni needed someone to be strong in place of optimistic. 

But today was one of the unlucky days that found Dani trying to encourage Toni through a bad bout of frustration.

“I can’t do it!” Toni exclaimed, her voice cracking with tears as she chucked the small exercise ball at the nearby wall.

Her hands weren't co-operating. Her fingers wouldn’t grasp the ball right and she had been stuck on the same exercise for twenty minutes now.

“Let’s try again,” her doctor encouraged as he retrieved the ball and re-set it in Toni’s hand.

Again, Toni tried to touch her fingers to her thumb one at the time while keeping the ball clasped between her touching fingers. Her hand locked up when her ring finger touched her thumb though, and she wasn’t able to make the change to her pinky.

“Fuck!” Toni yelled before sending the ball towards the wall again.

“Toni,” Dani calmly intervened. “You’ve got this, sweetheart. Just take a minute-,”

“I don’t need a minute! I just need my fucking fingers to work!”

Dani stepped back a bit from Toni’s outburst. The doctor glanced between the two of them and tried to decide if it was worth offering the ball back to the teen.

“Why don’t we take five, yeah?” The doctor proposed when he sensed that Toni would likely yell at him if he offered anything different. “I’ll go get you some water.”

“Thank you,” Dani mumbled as she watched the doctor leave the room. 

Once they were alone, Dani grabbed the ball that the doctor left on the nearby counter and brought it back to Toni.

“Try again-,”

“No.”

“Toni-,”

“I said no, mama. I’m tired and my hand won’t fucking work - so no!”

“And I said do it again,” Dani challenged. Toni reeled back a bit by Dani’s adamancy. It was Jaime who usually pushed her to keep going. Dani was more of a try if you can, but don’t force yourself kind of parent. Having her mama step up the way she was, was shocking to say the least.

Toni huffed and grabbed the ball. She tapped her index finger to her thumb, then her middle finger to her thumb. But her hand cramped up again and refused to make the change from her middle finger to her ring finger.

“Fuck,” Toni whimpered as she dropped the ball to the ground and started to cry. She dropped her head into her hands and allowed her despair to consume her.

“Try again,” Dani’s gentle voice said before the ball was being set onto her lap. 

“Mama-,”

“Please, Toni. Let’s try again,” Dani said as she ran her hand over Toni’s back.

Toni sniffled and sat up, her eyes locked on her shaking hand and the ball that remained on her lap.

“It cramps right here,” Toni mumbled as she stroked the line on her palm that separated her thumb from her other fingers. “And it hurts- it hurts too much to keep trying.” 

Dani nodded her understanding and took Toni’s hand into her own. She gently started massaging the aching point and smiled when she noticed Toni relax significantly.

“What if I never get better?” Toni whispered the question into the quiet that fell over the room.

“Don’t think like that,” Dani discouraged.

“But what if-,”

“Hey,” Dani gently cajoled as she tipped Toni’s chin up so the girl would look at her. “You’re having a bad day. But one bad day doesn’t take away from all the good ones you’ve had too.”

“But it’s taking so long.”

“It’s only been a month and a half. You’ve got to give yourself more time and credit than that, sweet girl.” 

“I don’t think I can do it, mama,” Toni quietly revealed. “I don’t think I can ever get back to the way I was before.” 

“Hey, listen to me,” Dani insisted, her voice firm as she stopped her massage on Toni’s hand and used both hands to cup her girl’s cheeks. “You can do anything, Toni Clayton-Taylor. You survived the foster system, you survived a god damn deserted island. You can survive this. You can get better.”

Toni sniffled and nodded at the words of her mama. It was hard now but she knew that she could trust the woman before her. Dani always had her best interest at heart - she would never steer Toni wrong.

“Okay,” Toni agreed as she grabbed the ball from her lap. “Let’s try again.”

xix.

Four months after the plane crash, all the girls seemed to be healing. Rehab was lessening for Toni and Rachel, and, with august coming to an end, plans for the future were being determined.

Fatin and Dot had decided to move to LA together; Vermont didn’t have much to offer them anymore and they wanted to explore the freedom of adulthood independently from the ghosts that lingered at home.

Leah, who had found herself pinning after Fatin due to all of their bonding on and off the island, accepted her admission to UCLA and decided to go study English over there while renting a place with her friends.

Nora and Martha opted to take a gap year; they felt safest at home where they could continue healing from their traumas.

Rachel was still torn about moving to either LA or New York. The UCLA diving team was offering her a potential assistant coaching role, something she was still unsure about since she wasn’t sure if she felt ready enough to pursue it.

Shelby also wanted to head over to LA to pursue acting - she had already planned the move with Toni back before the crash as her girlfriend had received a basketball scholarship to LMU. They were going to rent a place near their friends and were fully prepared to make the move.

But now, Toni wasn’t so sure about leaving. She, just like Martha and Nora, felt unsure and scared about making the drastic change so soon after their trauma. Not to mention, her basketball playing was definitely off the table. While her seizures were getting more under control and rehab had helped with her mobility, she still wasn’t the player she once was. It would take another year or two of training to get back to where she was, and by then she doubted anyone would want to recruit her.

This dramatic change in plans left Toni shaken. She had wanted so very little for her future. She just wanted to play basketball and figure out what degree would best suit her future desires. But now, she didn’t know what she wanted.

So, Toni wanted to stay home with her moms. She wanted familiarity and support and consistency.

Shelby wanted change and excitement and the promise of more.

But they were inseparable. Their lives were tied together with love and respect and comfort and... trauma. Trauma that made what they once thought was good seem almost tainted.

Which led to the fight. The fight that unfolded while Jaime and Dani were away at the shop.

The fight that involved Shelby screaming at Toni that she was scared of being trapped and Toni screaming right back that she was scared of losing Shelby and herself to the unknown.

It involved crying. Endless bouts of crying because they were both so frustrated and both so scared to let each other go.

It involved anger. At the world, at the universe, at themselves, for allowing their once incredible love to get tainted by the reality of their situation.

It involved Shelby admitting the truth:

“I want to go to LA.”

And Toni sharing her own:

“I’m just not ready yet.”

It involved Shelby sobbing as she pulled Toni into her arms.

“I don’t want to lose you,” she mumbled into the thick of her girlfriend’s long hair. “But I can’t stay here. Not anymore.”

“You should go then,” Toni conceded as she pulled away from the embrace. “Go to LA. Live out your dreams.”

“But Toni-,” 

“No, Shelbs,” Toni interrupted softly. Her hands went up to cradle the cheeks of the girl she loved. “This isn’t... goodbye for good. I just need more time to get back to where you wanted us to be. And maybe one day I’ll get there and we can go back to the way we were. But I think for now it would be best to just-,”

“Don’t say it,” Shelby pleaded in a whisper.

“I think we should take some time apart,” Toni revealed.

“What about everything we wanted? All those plans we made?”

“Maybe those can be our someday. But right now... I’m not okay enough to leave. If I go with you - I’m safer here than I am there.”

They were silent for moment. The reality had to settle and sink in. They had to come down from the level they once were at.

And when they were finally back down and grounded, when they realized that those last shared words were true, they knew what came next.

“I’m going to see if I can stay with Fatin until the move,” Shelby said into the space between them.

“I’ll help you pack,” Toni numbly replied before she moved to walk away.

“Wait, Toni,” Shelby said as she re-grabbed the other girls hand. “Promise to tell me when you’re ready. Even if it’s five years from now and we’re still living worlds apart... just promise to tell me when you’re ready for us again.”

Toni looked at their locked hands. She tried to memorize the way that Shelby’s hand fit into her own, and the way her knuckles felt as she stroked her thumb over them.

And when she felt like she had those feelings bored into her memory, she finally nodded.

“Okay,” Toni agreed as she looked back up at the watering green eyes of the woman she loved. “I promise.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me for that ending. The next chapter will go back to the time before the plane crash, but then chapter 13 will bring us back to post-crash. And that sad ending will hopefully be resolved. 
> 
> But this was another doozy to write. There was a lot of trauma that surrounded the crash that I didn't want to sweep under the rug, hence the exhaustive length (seriously, thank you for making it this far), but I was worried that a sped through the recovery too much. If there's elements to this recovery period that you'd like a focused chapter on, I'd love to write it. But for now, I hope this overview of the first two months after the crash satisfy your angsty needs and do the situation justice. 
> 
> Also, sorry to anyone who wanted Gretchen to make her appearance here. I wasn't about to play with that mess of an experiment. 
> 
> Thank you, as always, for the endless love and support.
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


	12. the one where toni makes a new friend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Toni's always had a soft spot for helpless things - they sort of remind her of herself.

One of the first questions Toni can remember Dani and Jamie asking her when she first got to their home was if she were a dog or cat person.

It was a random, totally out of the blue question during their second dinner together, and it left Toni stumped for a minute. Was there a right answer? Did they want her to pick a certain pet? Or was it a cruel trick to use against her? Did they want her to say she didn’t like dogs or cats? She was confused, so very confused, and she was sure that they could tell because Jaime quickly amended herself with a follow up.

“There’s no right or wrong answer. We’re just curious.”

_They’re just curious_ , Toni internally reasoned as she prodded the chicken on her plate. It was delicious; better than most meals she had, but Toni was still a bit hesitant to eat it for fear of them doing something different to her portion. So it was small bites and prolonged waits to see if there were any follow up effects.

“Dogs,” Toni eventually mumbled, making Jaime perk up and Dani groan a bit.

The groan got Toni on edge again; she thought that Jaime said there were no wrong answers.

“Told you,” Jaime smugly said to Dani who playfully shoved her. Dani glanced back at Toni and laughed softly in amendment.

“It’s a stupid game we play. When we meet new people we try to guess if they like dogs or cats more. I thought you were a cat person,” Dani explained, which made Toni relax a bit.

“What if they’re neither?” Toni offered in conversation.

“Well, are you neither?” Jaime countered, earning a shrug.

“I’ve only been in foster homes with dogs. I usually end up liking their pets more then the parents.”

“It was the opposite way for me,” Jaime offered her explanation. “I was in loads of homes with cats and they were all pretty shit animals.”

“Jaime,” Dani berated, but she didn’t miss the small smile and laugh that escaped Toni. “Cats are great. They just don’t seem to like you.”

“Oi, that’s not fair, Poppins.”

Toni smiled slightly at the banter and decided to offer her own pet horror story, “I once stayed with a family that had these massive birds in their garage. But they didn’t tell me, so I was terrified each night because these things would make some horrible laughing noises,” Toni said, making Jaime smirk and Dani frown a bit apologetically. 

“A foster brother of mine had a tarantula,” Jaime followed up with.

“Jaime, no. Not that story. We’re eating!” Dani insisted, but her wife was clearly not going to stop after she peaked Toni’s interest. 

Dani huffed and plugged her ears while Jaime continued.

“I thought the brother wasn’t half bad until he started leaving that massive thing on my bed. I got fed up after a while, so I put it in his shoe-,”

“Uh oh,” Toni mumbled.

“I didn’t expect the kid to shove his foot into his shoe that fast. Poor spider got smushed by his toes-,”

“Jaime!” Dani yelled.

“And he screamed about it for hours.”

“Did they find out it was you?” Toni asked, earning a slight nod and frown from Jaime. 

It was quickly erased by the comforting hand of Dani.

“Got shipped off to the next home after that. I take it you know the drill?”

Toni nodded and started to eat her food a bit more freely. She wasn’t having any adverse reactions. It was probably safe.

“There was this really mean dog,” Toni said after a silence fell over them. She wasn’t sure why she felt compelled to tell another story, but she wanted to share more with the two women in front of her. “Same house as the birds actually. But the dog was so mean that they had him chained up out back. I felt bad for him because it was March in Minnesota so it was still cold and it was raining a bit.”

“People like that shouldn’t own pets,” Dani grumbled, earning a nodded agreement from Toni.

“I got in a fight with a kid from that home and so they made me sleep outside-,”

“Fucking hell,” Jaime interrupted softly.

“Did you tell Marlene?” Dani asked at the same time.

Toni shifted uncomfortably in her seat. What was she trying to tell them again? Oh, right-

“I thought that dog was going to rip me apart. But then I realized he was just scared like me too. And it didn’t take long for him to realize that I wasn’t one of the bad guys.”

“Did he have a name?” Jaime offered, not wanting the girl to stop talking.

“Nah. Shitty owners don’t name their pets. But I named him Aries because I’m one and I was only 12, so-,”

“It’s a good name,” Dani reassured, stopping Toni from giving a tangent on why she named her dog what she did.

“How’d you get his trust?” Jaime offered next, making the girl shrug.

“I fell asleep that night under the porch to get away from the rain, and I woke up with him sleeping on top of me. I guess we both wanted to keep warm.”

“Dogs are a good judge of character,” Dani said, earning another shrug from Toni.

“Maybe.”

“You miss him?” Jaime asked, making Toni pause.

She had to swallow and set her fork down to stop the tears that wanted to fill her eyes.

“Every day.”

———

One of Toni’s favourite parts about working at the Leafling was their pet policy. Dani and Jaime loved when customers brought their pets in, and more often then not, Toni got to play with a customers dog while they browsed the plant selections.

She had grown particularly fond of a border collie mix named Billie who joined his elderly owner every Sunday. The old man liked to buy flowers for his late wife, and the old dog liked to turn into a puddle at Toni’s feet as she dished out some well deserved belly rubs.

Her interactions with the old dog were the first display of her gentle side that Dani and Jamie truly got to see.

Toni, past the grit and anger, was an extremely sensitive person. She was in tune with the feelings of others and she had a way with every pet that step foot in their store.

But Billie loved Toni with a ferocity that allowed his old tired bones to run to her every time he entered the store.

And each time Toni met the dog’s enthusiasm with her own in return. For ten minutes every Sunday, Toni would sit on the floor, scratch Billie’s ears and remind him just how good of a boy he was.

It’s what led Mr. Wilkes to bring a small wooden box with him a year after Billie met Toni. 

“He passed in his sleep two nights ago. I thought you might want a small part of him to remember him by.”

Toni cried in the privacy of the back room as she opened the box to find a small bag with some of his ashes and a photograph that Jaime had taken of Toni and Billie together.

“He was a good boy,” Toni whimpered to Dani as the blonde gently pulled her close.

———

It was seeing how hard Toni took Billie’s death that encourage Jaime and Dani to offer their newly adopted daughter to get a dog of their own.

The apartment was small, sure, but there was enough room for a four legged friend.

They thought Toni would meet their offer with enthusiasm. Most kids would jump at the offer to get a dog. But Toni shocked them both with her quick refusal.

“But you’re so good with dogs, sweetheart,” Jaime encouraged, only to be met with another shake of Toni’s head.

“Dogs get old and they die. I don’t want to go through that,” Toni refused, making Jaime deflate and Dani reach for her hand supportively.

Toni knew that Jaime desperately wanted a dog too. But they made their decisions as a family now. Either all three said yes or they negotiated a way to satisfy everyone. 

But Toni seemed dead set on no pets.

“Don’t you want a pet of your own, though?” Dani asked, hoping to peek Toni’s interest.

“I’m not ready for that kind of heartbreak,” Toni insisted.

“Okay,” Jaime relented as she gave a weak smile. “We trust you, though. And we know you’d make a great owner, so all you have to do it ask us if you ever feel ready, alright?”

Toni nodded her affirmation and reached for the basketball she left at her feet.

“Can we go play now?”

“Go destroy our kid on the court, alright?” Dani said as she nudged her wife.

“Please, she doesn’t stand a chance,” Toni snickered before she raced for the front door.

Dani slowed Jaime’s departure by pulling her back in for a quick kiss.

“She’ll say yes eventually,” Dani reassured her wife who nodded her agreement.

“Let’s hope sooner than later.”

———

Something Toni liked about her relationship with Shelby was that they could be comfortable with silence.

Having to drive 45 minutes out of town for their dates wasn’t ideal, but it was what they had to do to keep Shelby’s parents in the dark about their relationship, and subsequently keep Shelby safe. 

But usually after gorging on junk food and talking for three hours straight, neither girl was very chatty on their drive back into town. So they would sit in silence and enjoy the simple existence of one another. 

Today was different though. Today their silence was interrupted by Toni’s erratic demand for Shelby to stop the car.

“Whats wrong?” Shelby frantically asked as she pulled off the road.

“I saw something!” Toni insisted as she jumped out of the car and ran a few paces back.

Shelby got out but watched from a distance as her girlfriend went towards a small black thing sitting by the side of the road.

“Don’t let it bite you!” Shelby called out.

Toni just waved her girlfriend off and quietly made her way to what was slowly taking the shape of a curled up dog.

“Hey, buddy,” Toni said gently as she moved into a crouch. The dog, which was old based off of the white face that contrasted his dark body, lazily lifted his head and looked at her. “What’re you doing out here, huh?” Toni continued in her sweetest voice as she extended her hand out.

The dog gave her fingers a slow sniff and then eventually licked them, which was enough for her to reach up to scratch its head.

“Is it friendly!?” Shelby’s voice came from the car.

“Yup,” Toni lifted a thumbs up. She didn’t want to shout and scare off her new friend. “What do you say we get off this road, yeah?” Toni offered the dog. She tested her limits and ran her hand down its back. The dog didn’t seem to mind and even leaned further into her touch.

“Is it hurt!?” 

Toni chuckled at her girlfriend as she positioned herself along the dog's back. 

“Don’t mind me,” Toni said as she gently began to scoop the dog up. It was a medium sized mutt that could use a few pounds on it; lifting it was frighteningly easy.

When Toni got the dog settled in a cradled position in her arms, she stood upright and turned back towards the car.

“I take it you’re taking him home?” Shelby asked as she ran to Toni’s side of the car and helped her with the door.

“I’m sure my moms won’t mind,” Toni said with a laugh as she settled into her seat.

The dog looked up at her, all foggy eyed and sad. But somehow Toni knew that there was bit of gratitude behind the small lick that arrived on her chin.

“Does he have a collar?” Shelby asked once she was back behind the wheel.

“He’s a _she_ actually,” Toni corrected after she checked over the dogs underbelly for injuries. “And no collar.”

“Tattoos?” The blonde suggested as the car started moving again.

“Nope,” Toni said again after checking her ears. “Just a gnarly infection.”

“Maybe she’s chipped?” 

“Could be. But I doubt she’s had an owner for a while. Her hair is disgusting and her nails haven’t been trimmed in a while,” Toni explained. She realized that the dog wasn’t injured in any way she could see. Just old and tired.

“Should we got to the vet?” 

“My place first, please? I know you have curfew soon-,”

“I don’t mind being late.”

“Shelbs, it’s fine. Don’t get in any trouble cause of me,” Toni said before she reached over the centre console and gave her girlfriend’s leg a squeeze.

“You gonna name her?” Shelby asked in an effort to steer the conversation away from her strict parents.

“Dunno. What do you think she looks like?” Toni asked, adjusting her arm slightly so then Shelby could have a better look of the dog’s face.

“She looks like a Robert.”

“A Robert?” Toni asked indignantly.

“She has a beard,” Shelby insisted.

“Hey now, can’t blame a lady for growing out her facial hair.”

“Like you grow out your arm pit hair?” Shelby teased as she stuck her fingers against Toni’s side, making her girlfriend shriek and giggle.

“Shelby, no!” Toni insisted; she was ticklish and holding a dog. Shelby’s advantage wasn’t fair.

As if to back her up, Robert released a bark, which seemed to be what stopped Shelby.

“Well, it looks like someone has something to say,” Shelby said as she glanced at the dog who decided to lick Toni’s chin again. 

“Well, Robert is an opinionated woman,” Toni defended.

“You’re not keeping that name, are you?” 

“Dunno. Robbie’s a pretty cute name,” Toni said with a shrug before she looked back at the dogs eyes. “Robbie sound like a good name?”

And as if she could understand, Robbie allowed her tired tail to wag for the first time. It was answer enough for Toni to know that that was her name.

———

“Moms!” Toni called through the apartment as she kicked the door shut behind her with her foot. Robbie was still nestled in her arms but she looked around the new space with wide eyes.

“Bedroom, love!” Jaime’s voice replied. “How was your date?”

“Good,” Toni said, kicking her shoes off before she made her way to her parents bedroom. “Okay, don’t freak out,” Toni said as she approached the open doorway.

“Are you hurt?” Dani’s voice asked.

“No, but...” Toni trailed her words off as she entered her moms room and revealed the black bundle in her arms.

“Well, who’s this then?” Jaime asked as she stopped folding the laundry strewn on her bed and approached Toni.

“Robbie,” Toni said sheepishly as she watched her moms gently offer their hands for the skittish dog to smell.

“Is that her name or did you give it to her?” Dani asked with a knowing smile.

“Technically Shelby named her.”

“And where’d you find her?” Jaime went on to ask.

So Toni explained the state she found Robbie in. How she couldn’t just leave the old thing to fend for herself and that she was actually kind of in love with her already.

Dani and Jaime shared a knowing smile. But those smiles soon tapered off when they realized what had to be said next.

“She might have a family out there who’s looking for her,” Dani reminded, not wanting her kid to fall in love with a dog that might not stay with them for long.

“How could she? I mean look at the state she’s in. Her hairs matted, she’s so skinny I can feel all her ribs, and... she’s scared, moms.”

“I know, sweets. But maybe she got lost and has been on her own for a while,” Jaime said.

“Well if she does have owners it’s clear they don’t love her,” Toni huffed, almost petulantly as she nuzzled her face against Robbie’s.

“We’ll worry about that in a bit I guess. For now, it looks like she could use a good scrub and some food. Why don’t you take her to the bath while I call the vets around town and see if anyone’s reported a missing dog,” Jaime suggested. Toni nodded almost dejectedly and turned to go do what her mom said. But before she stepped past the doorway she paused.

“If she doesn’t have people out there... can I be her person?” Toni asked slowly, almost as if she feared the no that could follow.

“We’ll cross that bridge when we get there,” Dani said as kindly as possible. “But we won’t turn away anyone or anything that might need a home.”

Toni nodded her head in satisfaction. It was the reassurance she needed to continue moving forward.

———

Robbie had to stay the night on the account that no vet was willing to keep her overnight and Toni downright refused to trust the local pound with her.

“She’s old, mom. They’ll put her down in the morning.”

It was a tad irrational, but Jaime knew her kid would do nothing but panic all night if she had to entrust the dog with someone else. So they kept Robbie for the night.

And then one night turned to two. Turned to four. Turned to six.

By the seventh day, the posters they’d set up on the second day had received no callers. No one had claimed Robbie and the vet couldn’t seem to find a chip in her, so she was virtually ownerless.

Well, not really ownerless. Not with Toni.

Toni dotted on her new dog hand and foot. And in return, Robbie showered Toni with her gratitude. Everywhere Toni went, Robbie followed. Even in her old, limped gate, Robbie would stand right by Toni’s heels.

“Your little shadow,” Dani mused as she watched Robbie shuffle around the shop with Toni.

“She just knows who keeps the treats,” Jaime quipped, which made Toni turn and stick her tongue out at her before she reached down to scratch by Robbie’s ear. The face that Robbie made at the slight affection told Dani and Jaime that no, treats weren’t an element in this friendship. Robbie just loved Toni with all her heart.

———

Toni was prepared for forever with Robbie. She got her a collar after a week and a tag with her phone number on it in case her new friend wandered off (though she doubt that would ever happen). 

Robbie had a dog bed in the living room and toys strewn about. And she even had her own side of the bed at night - the right side, and she liked to have Toni hug her from behind. 

She ate meals of quality kibble mixed with whatever Dani felt like adding that day. And she went for daily strolls with whoever felt like doing a few laps around the apartment - typically it was Jaime and Toni, but more often than not Dani tagged along as well.

And for almost two weeks, Toni could imagine a forever. She could imagine graduating high school with her loyal friend at her side. She could imagine the summer road trip her moms promised to take her on between high school and uni. Robbie would ride right beside her and put her head out the window just like she liked it. 

Toni could imagine giving Robbie the years she'd lost.

She could imagine years.

But she only got days. 

Ten beautiful days.

Robbie woke up one morning and refused to stand up. And when Toni offered food, she refused to eat. Water was also ignored.

And through Toni’s denial that Robbie was just having an off morning, Jaime tried to gently remind her of a heartbreaking truth.

“She’s old, my love.”

“No!” Toni cried out angrily. But she saw the way it made Robbie flinch a bit, so she settled for calming down and apologizing to her dog for her outburst. “I’m sorry, Robbie. You’re okay.”

“Let’s just take her to the vet,” Dani suggested. A middle ground. A way to potentially fix the problem.

But the vet concluded what Jaime did. 

Robbie was too old and too sick to keep going. It was her time to go.

Toni wanted to scream. She wanted to cry and throw things. She wanted to hurt outwardly so then she could show the world just how angry she was at it for taking her best friend.

But Robbie needed her to be calm. She didn’t want her to be scared when she passed.

“I need to call Shelby,” Toni managed to say.

In the time it took Toni to get her girlfriend to arrive at the vet, Jaime convinced the vet to move the procedure outside. It was a sunny day, Robbie deserved to take her last few breaths in the fresh air.

So they arranged themselves on the small bit of green at the back of the clinic. Robbie laid on a towel, Toni rested right along side her. 

And the vet gave them the moments they needed to say their goodbyes.

“You were a good girl,” Dani whispered as she pressed a kiss to Robbie’s head.

“I hope there’s lots of peanut butter and socks up there waiting for you,” Shelby said as she fondly stroked Robbie’s white beard.

“Thanks for giving my girl the love she deserved,” Jaime tearfully mumbled as she nuzzled the dogs snout.

And then Toni was left. Still laid out in front of Robbie with tear tracks slipping down her cheeks. She had to say goodbye.

“I wanted more time,” Toni whispered as she stroked Robbie’s face. “You deserved more good in this life. You deserved more love. I’m sorry I couldn’t give it to you from the start. But you’re a good girl, Robbie. And soon you’re going to get to run around and eat all the peanut butter and jerky you want. And there’s going to be endless piles of laundry for you to play in. And you’ll get to be happy, okay? You’ll be happy...”

Toni broke down as she brought her face closer to Robbie’s. No one moved to comfort her, though. She needed her space to finish her goodbye.

“You can do it,” Toni whispered to the vet who held the injection. He nodded and pressed its contents into Robbie's IV line. 

Toni watched as the drug slowly took its effect. Robbie’s breathing evened out and slowed. Her hazy eyes slowly shut.

And eventually, the drumming of her heart that Toni felt from where she placed her hand on her chest just... stopped.

And before the tears could fully consume her, Toni managed to whisper out one final broken plea, “don’t forget about me, okay?”

———

Any conversation about a dog after that was instantly shut down. Toni didn’t want any other pets after Robbie. She felt like no dog could ever be as good as her first and only one.

But then the plane crash happened. And Toni lost a lot of her old life. She lost her control over her body, her ability to go to school, her basketball career. And as the cherry on top, she lost her girlfriend too.

Toni was a hollow version of who she once was, and Dani and Jaime were worried for her. How much loss was too much for their kid? What would be the breaking point for her?

“She needs something to put her energy into,” Toni’s therapist expressed to Dani and Jaime when they brought their concern to her after one of Toni's sessions. Even if Toni was now a legal adult, they felt like the only way they could go about doing right by their kid was by going to her therapist directly.

Thankfully, Shauna was open to offering some advice while keeping Toni’s therapy private.

“Right now she feels stagnant and that can be scary for a kid who’s spent her whole life running towards or away from something. It would help to give her something to wake up every morning for.”

Dani and Jaime tried to figure something out based on that advice. Toni was still rather limited in terms of activity. Her basketball playing was restricted to only rehab since she was still prone to seizures. Work was minimal and only provided by Dani and Jaime on a daily - task to task basis. And most of her friends had moved across the country for their first semesters of school. 

Martha and Nora tried to help by agreeing to a weekly hangout. But even those were too far in between to keep Toni motivated throughout the week.

The only thing Jaime could think of was a pet. If Toni had a pet then she’d have to get up everyday and ensure that the needs of something other than her self were met and maybe that would give her reason to keep on pushing through this hard period of her life.

But, Toni was still against it.

So, Jaime had to take matters into her own hands. She knew that Toni could say no until she was blue, but sometimes seeing what she was being offered could change her mind. If Toni just saw the dogs at the shelter then maybe she wouldn’t be so quick to decline the offer.

So Jaime and Dani drove Toni over to the shelter on a Tuesday under the guise that they had to pick up some seedlings from out of town.

The drive took an hour, which was just long enough to get Toni to fall asleep. And when they arrived, she was still too dazed from her nap to really process where they were.

The pieces didn’t click until they entered the shelter and Toni heard the barking.

“Seeds don’t bark,” she mumbled as she scratched her forehead and rubbed her eyes.

“Well aren’t you a proper detective,” Jaime teased before she led her wife and child towards the adoptable dog cages. “We know you’ve been saying no, but we wanted you to have a look at some of the dogs in need of homes. If you still decide that having another pet isn’t for you, then we’ll leave. But I want you to actually see some of the dogs.”

Toni, now far more awake than before, ran her gaze along the cages and the dogs that sat behind them. Well shit, first she said she didn’t want a dog and now she felt compelled to bring all of them home.

Deciding what she needed to do, Toni hurried away from the cages and back towards the main lobby.

Dani and Jaime, thinking that was their kids cue that she wasn’t getting a dog nor was she happy with the surprise attack, hurried after her.

When they got to the front, they were surprised to see Toni speaking with the front desk worker.

“Which dog is schedule to be put down next?” Toni asked, almost urgently, to the man who was in the midst of processing some information for a new cat that was brought in.

“Just a moment,” the man said before he looked through the files. “Agnes. Cage 4.”

Toni nodded her gratitude before she rushed back to the dogs with her moms close behind.

“So are you interested or...?” Dani trailed as she watched her kid approach the cage of large black dog.

Toni scanned the tag of the dog and found the kill date and time at the bottom. Agnes was scheduled for “removal” in two hours. 

“Her,” Toni said as she abandoned the rest of the information and crouched down to look through the cage at the dog hiding in the corner of it.

“Sweets, she’s 8...” Dani tried to gently remind as she also read the tag.

“Which means she still has a good few years in her. She shouldn’t get put down for that,” Toni argued as she made gentle clicking noises at the dog. 

“Big dog,” Jaime whistled when she read the 80lbs weight section. 

“And room to grow,” Dani added as she pointed out that the dog was a mastiff mix of some sort. 

To Toni’s surprise, the dog stepped forward and tentatively sniffed her fingers. 

“Should we look at the others as well?” Jaime offered, though it was hard to deny the sight before her. Toni, ever her loving and patient girl, was letting the dog take her time and dictate how the introduction played out.

And then, as though Agnes was picking Toni, she licked her fingers and nuzzled her nose against them. 

“No,” Toni mumbled in response to Jaime’s last question. “She’s the one. I want her.”

———

Agnes didn’t look like an Agnes. That’s was Toni deduced as she held the large dog's head on her lap as her moms drove them back home from the shelter.

Agnes wasn’t a fan of the car for the first thirty minutes, but she soon discovered that Toni’s lap was comfy enough to get her through. Her initial nervousness didn't go unnoticed, though, which is what led to Dani suggesting the name Tremble.

“That’s not a name for a big dog, mama,” Toni argued as she scratched between the dog’s ears.

“Yeah but the poor thing trembles,” Dani cooed as she turned in her seat to look at her kid.

“How about Fear?” Jaime offered.

“Inside Out, mom? Really?”

“Well aren’t we picky?” Jaime jabbed as she glanced through the rear view window. She couldn’t stop herself from smiling similarly to how Toni was.

“I’m sure we’ll think of something good. Right, girl?” Toni asked, tilting her head down a bit to meet her dog’s eyes.

Agnes (not Agnes) glanced up and met Toni’s gaze; her own way of saying yes we will.

———

“This is a basketball,” Toni explained as she sat in front of Name TBD and rolled her basketball towards her. 

The dog, who was laying in the corner of the living room, raised her head when the ball came near her, and sniffed unsurely at it.

“Someday I’ll take you to the courts and show you how to play, okay?”

From the kitchen, Dani and Jaime watched their child gently cajole the new dog to come out of her shell bit by bit.

First she tossed her cut bits of ham, though the big dog didn’t show much interest. Then she showed her a few of the toys that they had picked up on the way home. The dog only really cared for a tennis ball but quickly got bored. So Toni brought out the big guns. Her basketball which she had tucked into her closet a few months back.

While she didn’t want to see her ball until she could properly play again, Toni decided that it was worth trying to get her new friend to trust her. Besides, Robbie loved her basketball, so maybe this new dog would too. 

The dog bumped the ball with her paw, effectively returning it to Toni. This made her smile as she gently push it back.

“Y’know,” Toni mumbled as she adjusted to lay on her stomach across from the dog. “I was going to play basketball in California.” 

Toni huffed a little as she let her own words settle over her. “I wanted to play at UCLA. They’re one of the best ranked teams. My uhh... my grades weren’t too hot for a while though, so they didn’t take me. But LMU did. And I was planning on playing with them for a year so then maybe UCLA would take me on. It’s silly to think about now.”

The dog grumbled, which made Toni laugh a bit. It was enough of a distraction that it prevented her from dwelling too long on her emotions. 

“I had a plan. But then this happened,” Toni lifted her hand a bit to show off her tremble. "Now I doubt I’ll ever get to play like that again. But... it’s okay.”

Toni nodded a bit resolutely as she pushed the ball with her finger. 

“It’s okay because if I was there then I wouldn’t be here with you.”

———

Toni decided that her dog’s interest in her basketball was enough reason to put on a few of UCLA’s old games on the TV. She wanted to properly introduce her to the sport - besides, it’s been a long while since she’d allowed herself to enjoy the sport.

“It probably doesn’t look like it, but those girls are tall. The shortest one on last years roster was 5’6, which means she’s only got 3 inches on me, but still,” Toni spoke at random to the dog which now took up the space on the couch next to her. “My coach said my height is my greatest weakness and strength. I mean, when it comes to getting schools to notice me, I’m not first pick sometimes because of it. But if I play on the fact that I can get around other players swiftly then I can be one of the best out there.”

“She’s talking about it again,” Dani whispered fondly to Jaime as they set the table for dinner. 

“Her doctor said she’ll only need a few weeks before she can get back on the court,” Jaime reminded with a small smile.

“Well, our addition to the family might actually help her get excited for that.”

“It’s only smooth sailing from here, Poppins,” Jaime whispered surely to her wife in passing before she pecked her cheek.

Smooth sailing. Just Jaime, Dani, Toni, and their new dog that still needed a name.

———

“Think of anything good yet?” Dani asked as she set a pee pad down in Toni’s room while her daughter settled herself and her dog on the bed.

The unnamed creature appeared potty-trained, but just to be on the safe side, Dani decided to strewn a few pads in Toni’s room for overnight.

“Bruin,” Toni said as she looked her dog over one last time to be sure. 

“She looks very bear like,” Dani agreed thoughtfully as she went to sit beside her kid on the bed. 

“I might not ever get to UCLA like I wanted, but it would be nice to put a part of my old dreams in her.”

“That does sound nice,” Dani said as she brushed back some of Toni’s hair. “You come get us if Bruin needs anything, alright?” 

Toni nodded and allowed her mama to kiss her forehead before she watched the blonde turn towards her dog.

“Keep an eye on my girl, alright, Bruin?” 

Bruin, ever the grumbling giant, offered a small groan in response. Dani took that as her agreement and left the room with one last goodnight.

———

Bruin fit in nicer than anyone expected. Sure she was bigger than Dani and Jaime anticipated when they offered their kid to pick out a dog. Her once 80 pound frame was climbing steadily into the 100s as she filled out.

And while their little apartment was now very full of Bruin's bear like presence, there was no denying that every inch that Bruin took up was full of love and gentleness.

That’s what she was, a loving, gentle giant. When she learned that these new people were good and there to call her own, Bruin very quickly returned her loyalty to them by giving up snuggles and slobbery kisses. 

Within a month of her arrival, the family of four had fallen into their routines. Toni and Bruin would wake up at 7, go for a walk, come back for breakfast, and then go to work at the Leafling. Then it was back home for some basketball watching, a little bit of future planning, another walk after dinner, and then bed time. And within that routine, Dani would always be sure to remind Bruin to watch over Toni. 

Though no one expected her to loyally take on that task. 

Dani and Jaime kept their door open at night to better hear Toni. It came with the territory of having gone through something traumatic a few months ago. But Toni liked her door shut because open spaces reminded her of the island and a shut door made her feel secure.

So her door was shut; and while Dani and Jaime thought they could hear her if she needed them, they never realized that a seizure could hit so silently in the night.

Bruin, noticed though, when her owner grew stiff on the bed and started to convulse. It was new and scary. She hadn’t seen something like that happen before. So Bruin, ever the frightened giant she was, started whining and groaning to get Toni’s attention.

Her noises eventually elevated to barking, which effectively captured the attention of Jaime and Dani.

Both women, still a bit dazed by their sleep, barrelled into Toni’s room to find her seizing and practically choking on what could only be her own vomit. 

Quick as lightening, Dani turned Toni onto her side to help her expel the vomit while Jaime got the lights on.

“It’s alright, sweetheart,” Dani whispered to Toni who slowly de-escalated from her seizing state.

“Should I call an ambulance?” Jaime asked as she rubbed Toni’s leg. 

“Let’s give her a minute to come around,” Dani proposed. They hadn’t been around for the whole thing, so they didn’t know how long it went on for, but Bruin’s barking only started a few seconds back and Toni was already slowing down. 

“Good girl,” Jaime praised the dog softly when it dawned on her how close Toni was to choking. “You did a good job, Bruin.”

Bruin, still frightened by what just unfolded, did what she always did when she got nervous. She shuffled closer to Toni and rested her head on her legs. 

“She’s alright,” Dani promised the dog who waited dutifully for her owner to get better.

And Toni was alright. Her seizing stopped after three minutes and she came around to her senses ten minutes after that. 

She was in the midst of sipping some water as she laid back against Dani when she decided to ask how they heard her.

“Bruin was barking,” Jaime explained as she lovingly stroked Toni’s pale face. Her colour was always the slowest to return.

“It was a good thing she did,” Dani mentioned as she motioned to the nearby trash, which was now full of the paper towels Jaime used to clean up Toni’s sick. 

“I guess she does understand you then,” Toni said as she sleepily closed her eyes.

“Now if only she understood when I tell her to stop stealing food off the table,” Jaime teased as she watched her kid slowly fall asleep against her wife.

Toni managed a small laugh before her exhaustion fully caught up with her.

“We’re sleeping in here tonight, I take it?” Jaime asked her wife in a whisper as she watch Bruin nuzzle in closer to Toni’s torso.

“Climb in,” Dani said in agreement as she settled further against the headboard. Sure her back would ache like a bitch tomorrow, but at least she got to hold her kid through the night.

Jaime shut off the lights and climbed into Toni’s bed too. 

For a full size, it just managed to hold the three adults and the bear sized dog.

“Watch the legs give out in the middle of the night,” Jaime chuckled as she pressed goodnight kisses to the heads of all her girls.

“Not funny,” Dani said despite the laugh that escaped her.

“Moms,” Toni groaned in annoyance. Bruin mimicked her, which only made Dani and Jaime laugh a bit more.

“Your dog is just like you, gremlin,” Jaime whispered into the dark room. In the shadows of the room, she could make out the small smile that appeared on Toni’s lips in response to the comment. 

“Good,” Toni said resolutely as she scratched her dog’s head. 

Bruin huffed out her own agreement and curled closer to Toni for the night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Geez louise guys, it's been forever! I'm so sorry to have left you hanging like this. I got a bit of writers block and I had a bunch of my own writing to do for school, so it was a gnarly mix of chaos for the last few weeks. But I decided that tonight I was going to crack out a much promised chapter - though, the fluff I previously guaranteed sort of got lost in the angst. Oppsies. 
> 
> But thank you for your endless patience. I'll hopefully have the long awaited Shoni post-breakup part 3 up soon. I've got a screenplay I need to write by Monday morning, but after that I'm free as a flea for a few days. So next update next week. I swear on Shelbald's life. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed Toni loving on some puppies this chapter! Sorry if I made any of you sad. 
> 
> See you in the next update :)
> 
> Val


End file.
